Mother in Law

[Violetsky01]

Hey,

I could use some advice or just how you would deal with this mess.

I met my wife two years ago, she is Canadian. After a year of dating we got married. Her family didn't know she was gay, so it was a shock when she told them she was with a woman. And another shock when months later she said she is getting married. Her Mum didn't handle it well, her behaviour was disgusting followed by some racist comments (I'm black, my wife is half brown and half arab) my wife's Mum is known to be racist, and has said quite a few things to suggest she is.
Along side with that, I have tried to make an effort with her a few times, but it is always one sided. It was my birthday, and my wife's sisters were so lovely. With her Mum, nothing. No text, no card.

We are supposed to be going to Canada to visit her family next year, and will be staying at her Mums. I now feel like I don't want to go. This has caused huge fights with my wife and I. Although she understands, her view is just to meet her once, and if it doesn't go well then make it your last. My point is, why would I do that to myself and my daughter. Shouldn't there be warmth and effort before hand otherwise I don't know what I am going into, I feel like I need to protect myself and daughter. If things change I'd happily go but right now I don't feel it is emotionally and mentally safe to do so. I feel her Mum has shown me who she is, it is best I am at a distance.

What would you do?xx

If race wasn't an issue in this situation I'd say yes, go along. But the racism puts a different spin on it and, not having experienced it myself I'm not really qualified to advise on that.

If you're mental health isn't up to dealing with it, and considering the need to protect your daughter, I would hope your wife would support a choice not to go.

Has your wife been addressing it with her mum at all?

Each time my wife's mum has said something, my wife does correct her. I think because of how things are right now and with us fighting about it, my wife is planning to have a stern chat along the lines of " you can no longer say these things, it's unacceptable" and ask why she says these things.

Stern chat sounds good. If your wife insisted that her mum made an effort to be civil and drop the racism, and your mil made an effort, how would you feel about visiting then?

I'd insist you rent your own place for the visit and not stay with MIL.

Yes, if the conversation went well I would feel more comfortable going. My wife is feeling really anxious as talking to her Mum in the past about other stuff her Mum has done hasn't gone well at all.

Im not surprised the stressing out about it, the stakes are high even without her mum being difficult.

Staying somewhere separate is great idea if you do decide to go. And put yourself in charge of determining how and when you spend time with them. Establish ground rules as to behaviour etc.

Would it be helpful to work out between the two of you what you hope the outcome of your wife's chat with mil would be? And if you don't get the most desired outcome is their a way you can both find a compromise that you'd be comfortable with accepting from which to build up?

I'm not advocating that you suck up and tolerate racist behaviour, btw but if you're prepared to consider going with certain conditions that protects your and dhs mental health then you might be able to find a forward that helps both you and your wife.

I think the key is that both your wife and you support each other through this, or your MIL and her viciousness win.

I think you are so well within your rights not to want to stay with her and agreeing to go only if a conversation happens beforehand which makes you more comfortable, is really, really reasonable of you.

If not, can you afford air bnb or similar?

Go if you want to experience the country, but if you do don’t stay with the mum.
Otherwise, send her alone.