Advice on how to deal with the aftermath of leaving an abusive marriage

[iveleft40]

Because I'm petrified. And confused. I'm still not sure if I am in the wrong in all of this.

But I've left and am staying at my mums. The thought of going back to the house to collect more stuff scares me.

The thought of him seeing empty wardrobes scares me.

The thought of sorting finances really really scares me.

The thought of him seeing my son scares me.

I'm just so scared. The thought of having any conversation with him scares me. I know there's more to come where he's going to blame me for everything.

I can't go back and I won't go back but everytime I've left before, I've always gone back to avoid the leaving part.

I'm at my mums. She's great but also finding it difficult. We're squashed in her house with my 3dcs. I feel awful for putting this on her also. But I need her.

This feeling is absolutely horrendous and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel at all. Not just yet anyway.

Have you spoken to women’s aid? They’ll be able to offer some support, emotionally and ideas about practicalities. Hang in there.

I don’t have any advice because I am building up to doing the same, and also terrified, but I just wanted to say well done for making the first step and I completely identify with the fear and confusion you feel.

@SRK16

Have you spoken to women’s aid? They’ll be able to offer some support, emotionally and ideas about practicalities. Hang in there.

No I haven't but I will do. I'm just struggling - I have no idea wether it's abuse or not. I can relate to so many stores on here. I know it's abuse. But everyone loves H and thinks he's great.

I will speak to woman's aid thanks. I've also heard of the freedom programme which I am going to start doing also

@daysatthecircus

I don’t have any advice because I am building up to doing the same, and also terrified, but I just wanted to say well done for making the first step and I completely identify with the fear and confusion you feel.

Thanks - I feel so much for you too.

I look at my dcs and know we have to go. I can't raise them the way I want too. They don't particularly like him (2 of my dcs is from an ex partner so H is their step father)

I walk on egg shells all the time. I don't want to get old feeling this way and that I've wasted my whole life feeling scared and anxious

Well done for getting out. It’s admirable. You can do this

@beautifulview

Well done for getting out. It’s admirable. You can do this

Thank you, I feel like I'm suffocating right now x

Get support from your GP. I found anti depressants helped me. Don’t be on your own with him ever - ask someone to collect your things. Involve the police. Let the children’s schools know.

Take time for yourself, dont speak with him, contact can be via a 3rd party, any communication can be a dedicated email address. I would say I put my life on hold apart from work for about 3 years, I needed this . I didn't speak with GP but read extensively on domestic abuse and had some counselling - not da related but affirming that I had been treated appallingly. Best advice would be to try and stop trying to understand why he behaved the way he did, you will never get an answer

Can I just add, my life is great now ( despite currently having covid), I would never have believed how good it could be

But everyone loves H and thinks he's great.

Same. Life and soul of the party. "Surely not, but he's lovely, so kind and thoughtful". No, it was all an act for his adoring public. Only I knew what he was really like.

I didn't realise how anxious I was until someone pointed it out to me. I was terrified of his reactions. There was one time he sent a few angry messages, all in CAPS with lots of !!!!!!!!s. I was shaking like a leaf, fucking terrified. Phoned my lovely friend who pointed out that I had an alternative to whatever it was he was whining about and that helped me no end.

So much of the behaviour is designed to have you doubting, to scare you. If you watch from a safe space or think back you'll see there may well be not that much that he actually did, it's all about what he wants you to feel, if you see what I mean. I wasn't so scared when we were together but once we'd split up I was terrified, it's quite a common thing.

I can't recommend Women's Aid highly enough. They've seen it all. They are amazing. Keep strong iveleft. If you feel you are going to go back, wait half an hour then if you're still considering wait another half hour. The fear is a big and real thing but it will get easier, as time goes on and with the right support

Well done for getting out op!
And remever that even if it was not abuse, living with him still made you feel awful. Partners are supposed to make us feel happy and loved - or there's literally no point to them! And your children need to learn by example never to stay with people who make us miserable, so that they grow up knowing they are worth happy relationships.

Start divorce proceedings as soon as possible so that you can force the sale of the home and split the proceeds.

As for the house, is there anything you really need to go back for? Anything that can't be replaced in time? If so, consider letting it go.

If you must go back for some essentials, go when you know he is at work and take someone with you. And get in and out as quick as possible.

But everyone loves H and thinks he's great

Also same.

Same with everyone loves H. I only recently told my mom because I thought she would blame me for everything and think I was mad and unreasonable. Well you know what? She said 'I know, I've seen him do X and X while I was alone with him and you were out' and proceeded to tell me some things she never told me for fear of interfering in our marriage.

H has zero friends. Now there must be reason for that..... I've built it up in my own head that everyone thinks he's wonderful. Some people do.... but some people don't...

Stay strong OP. 💐

He's messaged me this morning. I was expecting abuse but he's text saying 'how are you today?' With lots of xxxxx

This I hate. I absolutely hate. I'd rather him be awful so I know to keep going.

On Thursday I lost it in front of him.. Told him my mental health was at an all time low. He didn't say much.

On Friday I called him at work crying. I knew he would be on his break. I said I just wanted everything to stop and I actually felt suicidal.

His response was:

'I can't believe you're calling me at work telling me this. This has gone out of no where.'

'I'm quite annoyed actually'

'I'm not the one for you to talk too'

'I can't be doing with this is if im honest'

I sent him a text and said I would never speak to him about my mental health again.

He lost his dad to suicide which I realise is horrible. He needs counselling for it. I need counselling because of him.

Op don't tell an abuser you are at an all time low! You are giving him ammunition against you!!!

@TowandaForever

Op don't tell an abuser you are at an all time low! You are giving him ammunition against you!!!

Never again. I know.

But I was desperate for him to change. To give me a hug and tell me he's there. I got the opposite

@iveleft40

Because I'm petrified. And confused. I'm still not sure if I am in the wrong in all of this.

But I've left and am staying at my mums. The thought of going back to the house to collect more stuff scares me.

The thought of him seeing empty wardrobes scares me.

The thought of sorting finances really really scares me.

The thought of him seeing my son scares me.

I'm just so scared. The thought of having any conversation with him scares me. I know there's more to come where he's going to blame me for everything.

I can't go back and I won't go back but everytime I've left before, I've always gone back to avoid the leaving part.

I'm at my mums. She's great but also finding it difficult. We're squashed in her house with my 3dcs. I feel awful for putting this on her also. But I need her.

This feeling is absolutely horrendous and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel at all. Not just yet anyway.

I'm 8 weeks ahead of you. The police removed DP 8 weeks ago today. I've had one phone call from him since then but he's blocked me on everything so I can't get hold of him.

DD and I are moving in with my mum in a few weeks too.

Be kind to yourself 💐

He's messaged me this morning. I was expecting abuse but he's text saying 'how are you today?' With lots of xxxxx

Mine did similar. All in writing stuff was oh so reasonable and caring, because he knew anything that showed the real him (apart from the one where he had obviously lost it) could be used against him.

He's never going to change, iveleft. If you need to talk about how you are we're here for you . Try and keep all communications about formalities now.

I've been reading up on dopamine and abusive relationships.

In short, he isn't always going to be abusive. If he's anything like my ex DP, he will love bomb too, usually after a period of abuse. Your brain gets used to this and so you keep going back for more.

Not sure if I've explained that very well as I'm still at early stages of working out how I feel too.

@FanGirlX

I've been reading up on dopamine and abusive relationships.

In short, he isn't always going to be abusive. If he's anything like my ex DP, he will love bomb too, usually after a period of abuse. Your brain gets used to this and so you keep going back for more.

Not sure if I've explained that very well as I'm still at early stages of working out how I feel too.

Absolutely- everything is always great when you go back. But before you even realise it, you're back to where you were.

H needs help. He needs counselling for the trauma and abuse he was given as a child. He refuses so there's no more I can do.

The last time I went back he admitted that he would be back to his old ways in no time and said I would have to tell him when it started. I was never strong enough to do that

In short, he isn't always going to be abusive. If he's anything like my ex DP, he will love bomb too, usually after a period of abuse. Your brain gets used to this and so you keep going back for more.

This is part of the abuse, it's what they do to keep you reeled in. If they were constantly horrible you would have been long gone ages ago but the lovely side that comes out when they need to use it is part of the manipulation.

They give a little, all is good ... then they push you away. You wonder what you've done, you're confused and feel a bit sad for a few days. Then Mr Charmy Pants comes back in to make you feel a million dollars again - you must have been mistaken, phew, everything's fine again. Then he lets you know you're ugly. Did he really say that? He's still all charming - no, you must have misheard. You're lucky to have him, don't you know, not many would put up with what he has to. You walk on those eggshells he's laid all over the house for you, don't do anything that you know annoys him. You make him his favourite dinner - urgh, what's that, I can't eat that. He looks at you like you shat on the plate and served it but he's charm itself to those around. What's going on? This goes on until you say enough is enough. You have a fall out. He leaves you stewing for a few days then turns on the charm again, promises he'll change (but it was all your fault really) and so it starts again.

It's a headfuck.

Urgh, I can so identify with this, why do they do it? How can anyone watch someone else hurting like that

So tonight I've seen him. I'm still at my mums, i haven't gone back and I don't plan on going back.

There was a group of us going trick or treating.He was always supposed to come.

He sent me a text saying he is missing our DS. He's 3 and this was his first proper Halloween. He asked if he could still come.

Because there was a group of us going and the rain was awful, I agreed as I didn't think we would be out long. Didn't have to walk with him as we were with others.

We didn't really speak. But as the rain was so bad, the kids ended up with not many sweets. We were waking past a shop and i noticed he went in but didn't think much of it as was chatting with the others.

He came out with a huge bag of sweets which he shared out with all the kids.

Our friends thought it was the best thing ever.

'That's so kind' is all they said. Looking at me and smiling as if it say 'you've got a good one there'

Eurgh I'm done. My head can't take anymore confusion.

What sort of things was he up to at home OP? It might help you to say more of it. I’m sure many of us will support your version of reality

Brave Lady, well done. I'm two years on from you. I remember my first few weeks, it was hell wondering how I was going to continue living whilst my ex bombarded me with flowers, lovely messages, cards etc. Everything that I'd never had in 28 years. He still denied abusing me, made me really question myself. He even tried to convince me that I had enjoyed him raping me. My advice, don't go back, you will be tempted. Don't contact him unless necessary and remain 'business like'. Contact via text not phone calls. Get a third party to act on your behalf of you can. Disconnect. You are entering the hard not now bit you have proved how brave you are by leaving so you can do this. My friend told me this " you have leapt off the island and you are now in the water swimming towards the shore. You can't see the shore yet so it would be easier to turn around and swim back to the island, even though you know what it means to be back there. This is the hard bit but keep swimming because every day you get nearer the shore. One day you will wake up and be able to see it. And one day you will pull yourself out of the water and step onto it. " It's taken two years, I'm on the shore now. I'm finding my kind of happiness, you will too. Keep swimming