Why did I do this?

[FourPostBed]

Was seeing someone earlier this year who became all evasive when I asked to define our relationship and said he felt we should finish as he’d end up hurting me in the long run. I was really hurt by this and confused as to why he’d be with me if there was no future.

Anyway we’ve kind of kept in touch and in the summer we met for a walk, had a lovely day, ended up having dinner and spending the night together. In the morning he was a bit cooler and said he still wasn’t sure what he wanted.
This happened one more time, only I didn’t stay the night because I could almost feel my heart breaking after dtd, like I knew what was coming.
Feel really down about it and annoyed with myself.

Hi OP. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's difficult to set boundaries when feelings are involved.

You really deserve better than his flaky behaviour. I would ring him or text him and say what you want from the relationship and then leave the ball in his court. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it.

He doesn’t want a relationship, he’s literally said that to you - I will hurt you= I want to have my cake and eat it. Delete and move on for your own sanity.

@FourPostBed I’ve been in a similar situation where the man was flaky at the start and although a relationship developed, it’s been fucking painful and confusing all the way through. Not easy to walk away when you feel something for someone but all I’d add is I wish I’d ended things months ago. Sorry he’s been shit, I’m not sure I’d even text him, just leave him alone, he sounds very selfish

It’s really painful… I feel used and played but he will then try to chat as if he’s my friend and that no feelings got hurt.

He finds it very easy to say no to me about a relationship/commitment.

I suppose I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to say it when I need to, possibly because I do have feelings and he doesn’t.

“just leave him alone”

Hats what I need to do.

@FourPostBed

It’s really painful… I feel used and played but he will then try to chat as if he’s my friend and that no feelings got hurt.

He finds it very easy to say no to me about a relationship/commitment.

I suppose I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to say it when I need to, possibly because I do have feelings and he doesn’t.

@FourPostBed I expect you did it hoping he’d change his mind. It’s not the end of the world and you can set a boundary now. Sorry you feel rubbish, it’s the worst feeling

It's ok to feel all these feelings, OP. It's a shirty situation, but we're emotional creatures with a craving for connection and that means we don't always make the wisest choices. Happens to everyone.

Try to channel your anger and disappointment into a resolution to never accept such treatment again. The first whiff of flakiness or commitment avoidance and you say "thank you, next". Trust me, the more you do it, the easier it gets. And it will save you so much heartbreak.

Be kind to yourself. And block and delete this dude.

Shitty*

You have feelings for him so it’s not easy to switch them off. Unfortunately he has made it very very clear he’s not interested in anything more than a casual text/hook up situation. The best thing you can do is just leave it. Learn from this experience and move on. He’s not for you. Don’t waste anymore energy on him. If he wanted to be with you he would, while you still hold feelings for him , he gets all the benefits and you end up with a brain and a heart in knots trying to work him out, get him to like you etc. Save yourself for all that. Make a decision to not see him again and invest all that in looking for someone who will make you happy. Onwards and upper wards

He’s trying to get a FWB out of you kind of via stealth since he went on a couple of dates with you and slept with you before giving it the not sure what he wants thing. By acting friendly and not making it explicit he’s just after hanging out and sex it means that he can get what he wants without any tricky conversations.

Honestly, these types can often carry on indefinitely in these types of ‘situationships’ - right up until they find someone they do actually want to date properly and then you’ll be dropped like a hot stone and he’ll be all ‘I never promised anything’ if you get upset and act like you’re needy and clingy for being upset. At least that’s been my experience with this sort of thing way back when, and it seems fairly common.

Block him, he doesn’t care about your feelings or he’d leave you alone.

Thank you all for replying and understanding. Your words are really comforting and I feel less of a fool.

I will delete everything and start moving on x

Salayes I think that’s what he’s doing.

@Salayes

He’s trying to get a FWB out of you kind of via stealth since he went on a couple of dates with you and slept with you before giving it the not sure what he wants thing. By acting friendly and not making it explicit he’s just after hanging out and sex it means that he can get what he wants without any tricky conversations.

Honestly, these types can often carry on indefinitely in these types of ‘situationships’ - right up until they find someone they do actually want to date properly and then you’ll be dropped like a hot stone and he’ll be all ‘I never promised anything’ if you get upset and act like you’re needy and clingy for being upset. At least that’s been my experience with this sort of thing way back when, and it seems fairly common.

Block him, he doesn’t care about your feelings or he’d leave you alone.

Bingo! It's definitely a very common MO among this type of men. Once you notice it, you'll never fall for it again.

I feel used and played but he will then try to chat as if he’s my friend and that no feelings got hurt

Well, feelings did get hurt, and for the same reason 'you did this': You hoped it would turn into more.

He's messing you about and taking advantage of your feelings. That's him behaving badly, not you. You have nothing to feel bad about, but if you keep doing it, he'll keep doing it.

It's really good that you're taking responsibility for your feelings in a 'short term loss for long term gain' sort of way. Your boundaries are strong, and your self respect holds them up; don't beat yourself up. You got into a situation, and you got out when you realised it wasn't good for you. That's healthy, and a thing to be proud of.

It hurts that he's trying to use you, but it's awesome that you're not letting him. There's a lot of people who wish they could do that, and you are doing it. Cry as much as you need, and keep strong.

I had sent a message yesterday before posting here, saying I wasn’t sure where things were going and his reply was a gif.
I ignored.
He later sent another meaningless message which I’ve also ignored.
Having the knowledge that this is a thing that some men do is so empowering as it’s saved me having to work out what he’s doing and why.
It would be easy to see the gif as humour/defusing/conversation starter about what happened but we’re not kids and this situation merits an adult conversation.

My question merits a response.

So, avoiding the issue and resuming “service as normal” won’t work a second time and I’m not going to be the one to bring it back around to my conveniently unanswered question.

Well done. Stay strong!

Keep ignoring him, now you know you deserve better than his treatment towards you, there's no going back.

Ignoring is now your super power. Please don’t stop. It will be hard but it is the best way. Don’t let him devalue you again.

@JustKittenAround

Ignoring is now your super power. Please don’t stop. It will be hard but it is the best way. Don’t let him devalue you again.

I would also add the phrase 'Silence is dignity', which was very helpful for me in a break up a few years ago, and I hope you can apply it to similar effect. Never once have I thought 'Oh, I really wish I'd opened communication again with that person who treated my like a nothing'