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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexless Marriage

5 replies

Querty1 · 31/10/2021 08:30

I'm a very loving person and am very attracted to my partner of 10+ years. We have a child and our own home.

We've had our ups and downs, lock down hit mental health hard which really took its toll on our relationship. It wasn't easy but I did everything In my power to support him, get him the help he required, listen to him without judgement and give him space so he didn't feel overwhelmed. It took a while but we got through it and things have steadily improved between us.

He a very low sex drive, whilst mine is much higher. I'm very attracted to him and am up for experimenting an trying new things to keep things spicy. Ive bought toys, outfits and told him id gladly do anything he wishes. I've compromised a lot in regards to our sex life, going from about twice a week, to one every 2 weeks. All when he wants it.

He has just told me he doesn't know If he wants me sexually anymore, but doesn't want us to separate.

I'm heart broken. I'm a fiercely loyal person who won't cheat. I'm also a loving person who will shower those I love in affection and do anything for them. I'm sat looking at my partner now, very attracted to him but doing my best to remain defiant and hold back.

He's told me in the past that he could have me anytime he wanted and I would never say no.

I don't know if he really means, he doesn't want me anymore, as this type of behaviour is a theme with his MH issue. And he has said he'd be devastated if I went with anyone else. Or am I being a fool.

We sit talk, go out, raise our child etc. But if I try to become flirty or a little more familiar, I'm met with him withdrawing and funny looks.

I just want to be loved.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 09:11

Tell him to make his mind up.

He's asking you to stay in a sexless marriage but he gets the perks of staying together.

Can't eat your cake and have it.

What do you want is the question, can you live in a sexless marriage?

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 09:14

There is another long thread on here recently about all this. Have a read to see how it has really effected people.

It's a recent one, but can't link it.

LanticLady · 07/01/2022 13:33

Sexless marriages come in many forms. I know because I too am in one.

Yours is an unhappy one, he does not want sex, you do.

You mention MH issues. Certain mental health matters, such as depression, can really kill a libido. Medication, such as SSRIs, can kill libido too.

Some partners have low libido and no interest in sex but are romantic, affectionate etc. Others are not.

Long term, a one-sided sexless marriage [one partner has moderate to high drive, the other low] can only work if the low drive partner is freely willing to allow the high drive partner to meet her needs outside the marriage.

Emmelina · 07/01/2022 13:36

I’d love to offer some sensible advice, but as you’ve posted before as the “man” in this relationship I feel I can’t trust this post is a genuine one. Who are you?

SunflowerTed · 07/01/2022 13:52

It’s more of a friendship. It’s a big decision to break up your family over it but it’s obviously not enough for you x talk to him again and tell him

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