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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU to think it strange/rude that he brought up still being on apps?

24 replies

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 08:12

I've been seeing a guy for 1.5 months, we met on Tinder. We met when I was in another place for work which unfortunately has now changed & we are further apart than I'd like.

Anyway - he is attractive, intelligent (we have great, stimulating conversations every time we're together), we're having great sex & have similar values. But I don't really see long term potential due to his rock and roll lifestyle (smoking was a deal-breaker I've let slide since meeting him), lack of ambition & I'm enjoying having fun with him for now.

I was taken aback on the phone the other night when we got to chatting about general online dating experiences. He had said women don't tend to reply, which I believe is common. But he then said 'maybe I'll delete Tinder altogether & get Bumble' (IE. Because women message first).

Now this really annoyed me because we hadn't yet discussed where things are going & he so brazenly tells me this. I jokingly said 'why, are you not having enough success as it is?!' and he said he was convinced they threw him me at the last minute as he was about to delete & I'm 'wonderful'.

I admit I'm still open to dating others but find I don't tend to reply to others much since we've been dating. He phones me often & we visit each other weekly (both going to some effort with distance). The other night we came up against a challenging situation & he said 'well it's always a good test of a relationship'

Am I just annoyed because it is a dent to my ego to hear he is actively still looking for others to date or is it very rude/insensitive to talk like this to a woman you're sleeping with?!

OP posts:

Eesha · 31/10/2021 08:17

He probably thinks you are on the same page as him ie still available. Women tend to assume sex means exclusivity. Have the chat if you want that.

pennysays · 31/10/2021 08:19

He’s making it very clear to you that he is still in the market and that this isn’t serious. Which is just as well because you’re not serious about him either.

Either this is what it is and you can just enjoy it for the meantime, but in which case you should also be on the apps keeping your options open. Or you need to end the relationship.

And please make sure you’re using conforms.

AuntieStella · 31/10/2021 08:20

I agree with you it is unmannerly to talk about it.

But the actual action is OK for you so OK for him. Further proof perhaps that you are in the same page - fun for now but no desire for it to lead to anything durable.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 08:22

You don't see a future with him but you want him to give up on dating? That's a bit unfair.

Either talk to him about being exclusive, if you think this has legs, accept it's not exclusive and enjoy it for what it is, or end it.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 08:26

@AuntieStella

I agree with you it is unmannerly to talk about it.

But the actual action is OK for you so OK for him. Further proof perhaps that you are in the same page - fun for now but no desire for it to lead to anything durable.

This is it @AuntieStella ! You said what I was struggling to finds the word for, even he is doing it it is unmannerly to speak about it.

Yes I agree with you on the actual action. The problem is I don't think I'd be comfortable with him sleeping with others and me? And don't feel I'd be comfortable with him doing the same.

I am fairly new to casual encounters aside from the occasional ons. Would it be fair to want sexual exclusivity as long as we see each other? And then if one or both meets someone else/wants to explore that, then we break it off rather than sleeping with multiple people?

OP posts:

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 08:28

@girlmom21

You don't see a future with him but you want him to give up on dating? That's a bit unfair.

Either talk to him about being exclusive, if you think this has legs, accept it's not exclusive and enjoy it for what it is, or end it.

The way he was talking about it though was equivalent to how a friend might chat to me on the phone about a similar situation. No way would I discuss with him in reverse!

Of course I realise in practice it isn't fair to expect him not to date others. But we hadn't actually had the conversation about where things are going yet.

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2021 08:28

This kind of thing happened to me but we were about 5 months in and I had naively assumed we were exclusive, but casual/not too serious.

Turned out he was still on the apps and assumed I knew. I wish we’d had a chat about it a lot earlier. It felt like I was ok until something better came along and that’s not a nice feeling.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 08:31

@MargaretMorris I think that's your problem then. He thinks until you've had 'the talk' he's single. You think until you've had 'the talk' you should be exclusive.

I agree with you on that btw.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 08:34

The other issue that it was the very next day after that phone call that he made that reference to 'well it's always a good test of a relationship'. We have never said we were in a relationship and this is just after him making his single status clear. What is all about?

OP posts:

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 08:41

@Sunshineandflipflops eek, 5 months is a long time! That must've been hard. Do you mind me asking if things ended at that point?

For my part, I wasn't feeling emotionally equipped to deal with a serious relationship after a very difficult year. Something casual has suited me well & er, got me back on the wagon so to speak and I do enjoy his company.

Recently he asked if I miss him when we aren't together & I realised I do a bit, but not it any deep longing kind of way?

I wonder now if it possible to keep seeing each other casually without feeling like we are just waiting for someone else to come along. I've had serious relationships so it is more like I'm enjoying it for what it is rather than waiting for someone 'better'.

But I think that what you say is part of it - that HE is waiting for a better prospect. And regardless of the truth that doesn't feel good.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 31/10/2021 08:50

I am fairly direct, I used to have 'i don't do exclusives' on my profile when I was looking for hookups, and then when I was looking for a relationship my now bf made it absolutely clear from the start he was a one person at a time type.

I actually don't think this guy has done anything particularly wrong. He has said quite clearly that this is not exclusive and for him it's obviously not the case that sex = exclusive. (Though there's nothing to say he's actually seeing anyone else).

Id agree the way he's done it is a bit in your face. You have an absolute right not to want this but it's worth knowing that many people on apps will feel differently. I'd also say that I'm sure you are right that you need time before a relationship as such. Perhaps you should distance yourself a bit from this guy if he is bruising like this.

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2021 08:51

It did end but then we ended up seeing each other again but I had my eyes fully open that time. It then ended again anyway!

PermanentTemporary · 31/10/2021 08:59

Oh I hope you didn't find the whole thing too bad and have been able to enjoy seeing others!

Mermaidwaves · 31/10/2021 09:01

I think he has been rude here, casually telling you he's still hunting on the apps, it's just bad form. You do need to confirm if its exclusive because if he's still looking presumably he could be sleeping with others.

This is why I hate OLD, it just seems to be full of men who are happy to sleep with you but spend their free time looking for other women, other options. I know there are exceptions to this and posters will tell about their positive experiences, but all I've ever encountered is the sweet shop mentality.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 09:15

@Mermaidwaves I agree - it's bad form. To be honest it was a turn off to hear about it. Even if it the case, I don't need a rundown! I have wondered if he is on the spectrum at times as he can be very direct. But perhaps he was just rude.

The thing is I don't really want to enter into a serious relationship with him. I don't think that level of compatibility is there. But I enjoy our time together and don't want to sleep with someone who is shagging around either. I think essentially I need to either:

say I'm happy to keep seeing and sleeping together until the situation changes for one or both of us. Not happy to sleep with someone who is sleeping with others.
break it off.

Right now he has told me he isn't seeing or sleeping with anyone else but of course that can change - and same for me!

OP posts:

StormBaby · 31/10/2021 09:17

At least he’s open about it and not lying to you! You both want the same thing

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 09:19

No @StormBaby he tends to be very honest. Too honest in this case perhaps...

OP posts:

TedMullins · 31/10/2021 09:31

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I had an FWB and sometimes after sex we’d lie in bed discuss the other people we were dating! There were no deeper feelings there so it wasn’t an issue. If you’re not comfortable with it though that’s your prerogative and you should say something

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 09:35

@TedMullins yes you're right, I'll need to mention it.

I don't have deep feelings for him but I do have some feelings for him. We tend to spend multiple days together so there is an element of closeness there. I just found it disrespectful.

Clearly other people see it differently which is valid. It is up to me to exert my own boundaries.

OP posts:

me4real · 31/10/2021 12:09

I am fairly new to casual encounters aside from the occasional ons. Would it be fair to want sexual exclusivity as long as we see each other?

As I understand it, most people on the apps have The Talk. They at some point discuss whether they're going to be exclusive from then on.

With OLD, sex in no way says they are 100% exclusive unless The Talk has been had before it.

Incredibad · 31/10/2021 15:30

I’d assume he isn’t being rude actually, I think he’s being in your face for one of two reasons:

1 - He wants to test how upset you are with him still being on the apps because he’d potentially like something more exclusive with you (the do you miss him question, using the word relationship)

2 - He is making it very clear this isn’t an exclusive thing for him

Only direct communication with the other person will solve this either way.

todaysdilemma · 31/10/2021 15:43

Not sure what the problem is here. You don't want a relationship with him, and don't see a future. Why would you care if he's seeing other women? That's the point of casual sex...

As for sexual exclusivity, you could certainly just ask him if he'd be ok with that. I personally would never agree to sexual exclusivity to someone I don't see as a bf - and miss out on the chance to date and do what I want. But he might be ok with it. You definitely do not get the right to be annoyed - you don't like him enough, and it's an ego thing for you which you need to deal with.

Seems like both of you are waiting for someone better to come along, no shame in that. But if you think you might start getting jealous or upset of him seeing other women, don't go down the casual sex route. That is best saved for men you don't see often or talk to regularly - you just meet for a drink/a bit, then shag, maybe a cuddle at night and then you go your separate ways in the morning. You need to be detached and a bit distant to make casual sex work.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 31/10/2021 15:45

I think I've been afraid to broach it @Incredibad in case he says he would be up for trying something more serious. I don't want to lose what we have currently.

Yes he has said he misses me a few times. He phones during the week in between seeing each other and we talk for quite a long time. So we do get on, it just comes back to having very different lifestyles.

I think a direct conversation will have to take place now as I am questioning things and he has talked as if we are in a relationship.

OP posts:

KiaOraWasTheBest · 31/10/2021 15:54

Unfortunately I think it's fairly normal

I used to assume people weren't exclusive with me until we had had the chat

Everyone has different expectations of early dating and it's always better to clarify these I find!

1.5 months is v early days - if you're only seeing each other every week it's probably only 5/6 times you've seen each other

Still a horrible feeling though!

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