How do you split after years together?

[beautifulview]

I’m incredibly unhappy in my marriage and have been for years. I want a different life. New partner to have fun with. New city. Different life. We’ve had counselling and numerous make it breaks but it’s just not working. I feel unheard, unwanted, unloved, insecure and unhappy. I want my power and happiness back and I just can’t get it here. What do I do next? Im in a really shit position. Young school aged kids. No support system. Few friends. It’s lonely. My friends live hours away. In an ideal world, I’d move there with my kids, new school, start afresh with support. How do I do that? Am I stuck in this area until kids finish school in ten years time? I can’t see a way out but I don’t want to be here doing this anymore.

You don't say what your financial situation is. Do you own the house?
Do you work?

Also, it's unlikely your children's father would agree to you moving hours away with the children...surely?

Right in your situation right now.

Luckily had parents support to start again.

Feel exactly the same as you, exactly. I've had a massively stressful and depressing time for the last 3 months, suicidal at times but I've got through it and will be starting a new life soon,

I can't wait.

As pp said. Do you have own source of money and support. That is the deciding factor or Universal Credit.

All I'll say is this. I left with zero job prospects, zero money but some support from parents, everything was bleak, but I would rather be where I am now than in that previous relationships.

I have kids too, not teenagers but 1 is not far off, the other a few more years.

Unlike you though, I knew I wasn't happy but denied it.

I moved 150 miles away when I got divorced. Child was pre-school age but apart from that, my situation was very similar to yours. No domestic abuse but was extremely unhappy in the marriage, and knew I wanted a fresh start. My ex-h threatened to take a prohibited steps order out to stop me moving but my solicitor advised me he’d have no chance - it was moving a couple of counties away, not Europe or beyond, we just needed to coordinate contact in a reasonable way, which we have. The move was made easier as I knew he’d be a pretty useless co-parent in reality, so in other words, I felt it was down to me. Wanted somewhere different, with cheaper housing, good schools, the chance to live a new life. I moved knowing nobody here but I’ve worked bloody hard and have made a successful go of it. New career, bought my own house, made new friends, had relationships. It can all be done. Don’t underestimate the effort of it all but it’s your life - live it the way you see fit.

@Pogodog thank you. That’s great to hear. I’ve got some money. I’ve got a temporary job that is based a few hours away. Currently WFH so in theory I could move closer to work and make a go of it there. Just don’t know how to do it.

Have a look on Rightmove. See what you can get for your money. It sounds like the important stuff - work, income, some flexibility with your job - are all in place, which is a great help. Are your kids in school? How old are they?

This sounds tough.
Can I ask - you have been on the area for about 10 years (I presume) is there a reason you didn’t manage to make friends and build some support system?

Moving 150+ miles away has worked for the poster above. But in your case - with kids settled at school and the community - you can’t just move your kids unless your H agrees to it.
You need to divorce first and negotiate a child sharing arrangement. If your H actually goes for 50/50 time split - then your ability to move anywhere far would be limited. And for a good reason. Kids need stability. Especially as they are dealing with massive changes that are the divorce.

But even if you can’t change everything in one go, you can still start making changes.
If you are this unhappy in the relationship - divorce. And see if that makes you happier.
You can date and see if there are those new and exciting partners to have fun with out there for you.

Your post reads like a combination of genuine unhappiness and depression. When we feel this way - we tend to look for greener grass elsewhere. Or dream of escaping. You want a different life, in a new city with a new partner. This is very typical.

Before my divorce I was unhappy for a long time. Fantasies about another life somewhere else is very familiar. So, with a bit of benefit of foresight - I’d say - if you have decided you are done with the relationship - plan out your path. Do that before you inform your H.
Figure out your financials, talk to a solicitor to see what is possible/likely in your situation.

The poster above who says he just moved away three months ago, with zero plans or income and feels so much better now - left without his kids.

If this is something you can do - you could go try out living in a new place on your own. Personally, I couldn’t leave my kids for months, no matter how unhappy I were.
And in addition - it’d weaken your case if you and your H went to court over child arrangements.

To summarise - if your relationship has reached a point where you are so desperately unhappy after trying to fix it - i do believe divorce is the best way.
It’s going to take time and it’s a horrible process - so plan and prepare.
As attractive a dream of running away to a new life is - it may not be realistic. But the changes are still possible. And you can make your life better.

I moved about 5 miles away, so that DS could still be with both of is, but far enough away that I wouldn't bump into ex-h all the sodding time.

It has been hard financially, have lost friends but also found some along the way.

Two years later my life has never been better, and divorce has been a blessing.

The issue I have with staying where we are is we live in one of the most expensive parts of the UK. Life as a single parent will be hard because of this. Rental properties are crap and hugely over priced compared to anywhere else, if it’s possible to get one. We moved here for his work. Why should I have to be punished because of that? For what a small 2 bed apartment with no garden would cost me here, I could get a 3 bed detached house with garden in other towns. Also work. I’ve had to take a job several hours away from here. I’ve tried for years to get a job here with no luck. It’s over populated here and I couldn’t even get to interview stage for basic admin jobs. This is the worst place in the UK to live. For everything. Crowded, expensive, over populated. So how does any of that mean I get a fair life after divorce? Surely the courts would take into account where my new job is? Why does my husband get it all his way. I’ve followed him around for 20 years. There are schools everywhere. He works from home. Why does my life have to be dictated by him?

I live in one of the most expensive places too.

I had no choice to leave. Either leave and get sorted out or live in a situation which was absolutely awful and getting worse for everyone involved. I wouldn't be where I am now if I didn't make this decision, which was hard. I'd be financially screwed living in shared accommodation with very little hope of having them 50/50.

When I left they came with me for 2 weeks to start with for a holiday and I've been back and forth.

I wish I could have just ripped my kids from their home and taken them somewhere. Maybe I should have planned that, but that isn't right and would cause more trauma and personally unless in danger I think that is disgraceful.

What makes you feel that you can just take the kids. If my ex just moved out and took the kids I would be furious. What makes you think you can move 150 miles away without your husbands consent. Imagine a man just did that.

You need to talk and figure out your options. The children need to know what's going on too. My ex ripped her kids away overnight secretly from her ex. I think that did more damage than good. She was in a crap relationship but it wasn't dangerous and the kids loved their dad and were only 6 and 7.

Like I said. Imagine a man on here taking his children away. I just don't get why anyone thinks they have more right to the kids than the other.

Your husband could get a court order to stop you moving. A judge would put kids first not you. I know unfair but you made a choice to follow him around. He could turn around to you and say you did that for me so I'll move to where you are, but I doubt that.

Like another pp said, your kids might be settled in a school.

You need to look at options. Jobs, universal credit, housing list (you'll be waiting a while)

How bad is your situation. All I'm getting is you don't want it any more? Is he horrible to you and the kids,abusive, violent?

Not wanting it is fair enough, but this is what you are facing if you want out. Which is why a lot of people end up staying in miserable situation because there is no out. I wasn't prepared to stay in a miserable situation and as I explained to my kids, I will only be gone for 60ish days out of their lives.

You face little choice. Especially because things don't seem unlovable there, you have to tell your husband, tell the kids, move out or he moves out if you can afford to stay and get a divorce.

@beautifulview

Unfortunately, courts would not look at you desire for a life somewhere else as an important factor. Or the history of why you moved here. Legally it doesn’t matter.

Have you ever discussed moving areas with him as you tried to fix your relationship? If he works from home - would be possibly be open to it?

If you don’t think he’d want to move, then you need to face reality and plan with what you can afford given the circumstances. I live in London, an expensive and overcrowded area. Prices do differ by areas, even within an expensive area.

Talk to a solicitor to understand what you are entitled to. It sounds like you have a long marriage, and your H is a higher earner. So you are entitled to at least half of everything, including his pension. There is also something called a Mesher order that might allow you to stay in the marital home until kids grow up.

Step 1 is make an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options.

Once you know your options, it'll be much easier to formulate a plan.

It's not unreasonable for you to want to move to a place you have support, employment and reasonable housing. Have you discussed this with your husband ? Would he be amenable to compromising ?

I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Tell him it's not working and you want out. Ask him would he want the DC 50/50, or would he want EOW.

If the former, you're going to need to stay close to each other so you can both do school run on your time.

If he wants EOW then you've got a lot more flexibility. As long as you're prepared to do most of the travelling for that (eg pick them up from school on Friday and take them to his, then pick them up Sunday night/Monday morning.)

You might want to remind him that during his time, he'd be responsible for childcare costs etc.

What's your feeling on what he'd go for?

A lot of my friends went through divorces recently. From what I have seen it’s not very likely that he would start off agreeing to EOW and you taking kids somewhere far away.
And, frankly, this isn’t necessarily best for the kids. Being ferried around for hours to see a parent for a weekend is tiring. And eventually it’ll affect their relationship.

So, unless he is a particularly uninvolved parent, he isn’t likely to agree to it. And unless he is a really awful parent - it’s isn’t fair to take them away from him, to make you happy.

I am sorry you are in this place. You sound unhappy and really resentful of your H. And I think this may have prevented you from making a go at a life where you are.
You are in an urban area by the sound of it. There must be many places and opportunities for hobbies and making friends. As well as other things you can do to make yourself feel better.