Always interesting to run up against the non-Mumsnet world. Trying to help a friend; her DH cheated several years ago, they got over it at the time. It helped that they launched, at the time, into a different life experience, in a different place, with a different crowd of people. Now they're back to their same environment, and he has cheated again. Same pattern: someone at work, someone younger, someone not at all like my friend. Someone he now pretends to have no feelings for, but to be honest, I don't really care about him or his motivation.
She’s not a mumsnetter, has never heard of us(!). I have been quite frank in telling her that there is a certain (mumsnet) point of view that at this point would say, LTB. Would say all the mumsnet things: get your ducks etc. Would say: don’t do the pick-me dance. Would say: respect yourself.
I have, in one way or another, and thanks to mumsnet, said all of these things. But i really see how nuanced real life is: her pick-me dance is not un-thinking, not-unknowing. She has her reasons for wanting to preserve a 30-year relationship. Seeing all of this, I have tried to refocus the discussion as being about her; that whatever steps she takes personally or professionally, they have to be about her and her alone. But it has opened my eyes to how subtle all of these arguments are, and how subtle relationships are. How much cultural expectations, however muted, however removed, might play a role. As far as I can tell, her husband wants something else, doesn’t know what, has resorted to affairs to ‘find’ it, whatever it is, but finds life at home more comfortable ultimately than all the questing. And there are a lot of reasons, beyond the obvious ones, as to why this has hurt her. And yet, and yet, regardless all of the hurt, she’s still at the point of wanting to make it work.
Oh, and he’s refusing counselling. And her attempt at personal counselling meant she landed on a counsellor who said (!) “well, they can have steak every day, but sometimes they want lasagne.” Literally. WTF.
Of course I would say run a million miles, and I’ve tried to, at least by urging her to finally put herself at the centre of whatever she does next (as well as finding a much better counsellor!). Of course you would too. But what do we say to those who still think ‘making it work’ means they need to somehow fix the relationship their ‘D’P ruined? How DO you talk someone out of the pick-me dance? (Even more difficult, because sometimes ‘pick-me’ doesn’t mean ‘I will acquiesce and accommodate you endlessly!!’. Sometimes it means ‘we need to talk about what your affair means for me!’ And they might be able to talk about it, but if it doesn’t lead to understanding or apology or concrete action to heal things, it’s really a bit pointless.)
Anyway, looking for guidance from people who have gone through things that were not cut and dried, that were murky, who couldn’t immediately LTB, who couldn’t see what sunk costs were. How do you shore up someone to put themselves first and foremost?
(I guess, as well, that part of this post is, how do you come to terms with someone not taking your very best advice? I know, of course, this isn't my problem to solve, and my advice is only worth what it's worth, but it is sometimes difficult when you think you know what might help someone but they can't/won't take your advice! Hard to subtract yourself from the equation, even if you didn't belong there in the first place!)