I feel like a freak

[Sosad1111]

In short, in the last two years my younger sister has married the man she was with age 19 (she’s now 32), has bought a lovely new home and had a child.

In contrast, I am mid 30s, had an awful situation where I lost pregnancy very early as no fetal pole and ended up having to take medication as bleeding wouldn’t stop/hadn’t miscarried and my partner left me weeks later. I took a year off dating then met someone I thought was absolutely wonderful (it took a lot for me to get back out there and date). He said he loved me and I was the best thing in his life etc etc. A month ago he started behaving horribly saying he was stressed and unsure of us and ended things. Not heard from him since.

I don’t feel jealous of my sister as such. It’s more a horrible, bitter reminder of everything I don’t have. I have tried to be supportive and sent her and the baby things, we speak intermittently and I think my family know things are hard for me. But I feel like I have had terrible luck (or maybe I made terrible decisions, or both) and I am so low.

I try and smile and be happy for others but almost every week I hear of a new engagement or marriage or child through work or friends. It’s so hard to stick a smile on my face and buy yet another card to congratulate others. I sound like a nasty bitter person, I know.

I’m in therapy and it helps a bit. I’m just so sad that I haven’t had any of these things I wanted. I’m not even close to them. I’m lucky I have a house but so sad I’m here again on a Saturday night alone. Not sure why I’m posting or what I’m asking really but I feel awful tonight.

Also I fear any potential men will consider me damaged now, after the pregnancy. That scares me and puts me off dating a bit. I’m so low.

Hopeful bump

You don't have to tell other men about your pregnancy, or dating history, especially not early into seeing each other. It is easy to fall in a trap of feeling envy for others who seem to have it all, when life isn't going so well. Therapy may help with those feelings. For perspective, I had a terrible accident in 2020 that nearly killed me. I am 50. I have had four rounds of surgery to save my life since then. The first operation went wrong leaving me with life-long disability I wasn't planning for. A parent died unexpectedly and my daughter was diagnosed with a serious condition. I already had serious health conditions and needed surgery on other parts of my body (unrelated to accident). It is unlikely I will work again in my career due to the nature of my conditions. Has this stopped me finding a good man? No...I met someone after my accident who adores me, and has supported me through the surgeries etc. He is a star. My disability is not an issue to him, and if it were then we would not be together. My point to you is that dating is all about mental attitude. You have to be robust not to settle for bad treatment. Stay single and get professional help. When you feel better then you will be equipped to deal with men, your feelings about others lives etc.

You’re not bitter or nasty, you’re sad because life isn’t where you wanted or hoped it would be.

I’m not sure what you mean about being seen as damaged by the pregnancy you sadly lost. It’s not something you need to share with anyone.

You're not a freak

I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your sister experience everything you want too, I'm sure its really difficult for you.

You have had nad luck with your last two relationships, no doubt about it and I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, such a trauma to have gone through.

If anyone would think you are damaged after that, they wouldn't be worth knowing. I had a similar miscarriage (no fetal pole present) and after I (eventually) miscarried I then went onto have a healthy baby very soon afterwards so nothing to say things wouldn't be the same for you.

I think it's important to focus on the positive and try to find some peace within which will calm you and put you in a better frame of mind to move forward. You have suffered a lot of trauma, do you feel that you have adequately dealt with it and are ready to move on, healthily?

Thanks @scoobydoo1971 and I am so sorry to read what you have been through. You sound really strong and positive and I’m not surprised someone wants to be part of your life!! It is a mentality thing and I just can’t seem to move forward at all :(

@AnneLovesGilbert I think I just feel like I’ve had this thing happen to me that wasn’t very nice and I’ve also had a couple of traumatic break ups in my past too. I just wish I had met someone like my sibling did in her teens. I feel like a broken mess with a broken past really. If I meet someone then I’ve had these things happen to me and they have shaped me, no doubt. I’m not a blank canvas am I.

@Sassypants82

You're not a freak

I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your sister experience everything you want too, I'm sure its really difficult for you.

You have had nad luck with your last two relationships, no doubt about it and I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, such a trauma to have gone through.

If anyone would think you are damaged after that, they wouldn't be worth knowing. I had a similar miscarriage (no fetal pole present) and after I (eventually) miscarried I then went onto have a healthy baby very soon afterwards so nothing to say things wouldn't be the same for you.

I think it's important to focus on the positive and try to find some peace within which will calm you and put you in a better frame of mind to move forward. You have suffered a lot of trauma, do you feel that you have adequately dealt with it and are ready to move on, healthily?

@Sassypants82 thank you so much. I think I’ve got my head around things mostly and I know what I want. I just feel so so much older now and exhausted by it all. I can’t bear thinking about other people sharing lives with others etc. I don’t have it in me anyone to celebrate anyone else. I find it really hard. I’m absolutely dreading the build up to Christmas alone. I feel sick and sad thinking about it. It all feels very very lonely …and I have lots of friends and things to do so I’m not actually alone. But inside I’m so sad.

You are not broken. You are feeling sad for the things you want and that is absolutely fine. I would suggest that you are suffering a low point right now like many other people have experienced. There will be joy in the future I'm sure.

Not a freak at all. I am in a similar situation (I didn't have the terrible miscarriage but I do have a disability) but have decided to never give up hope. I do think it's a bit of a "not with that attitude!" thing! Hugs x

You sound lovely.

You have had a lot of hard things to deal with in a fairly short period of time and it's no wonder you're feeling down. You're not a freak by any stretch of the imagination. You are a human being who has suffered hardship - in common with 99% of other humans!

Any man who would see you as "damaged" for having lost a pregnancy is looking for a brood mare, not a life partner. Is this something your ex partner put in your head? Or an association you have made based on the timing?

You said you've had therapy in the past and that helped - could you access it again now? Also have you seen your GP? Anti depressants can be very helpful for helping you through times when you're feeling really low.

Christmas can be a very hard time. What are your plans? Will you go to your parents? I can absolutely promise you that loving parents will not be sitting there thinking "oh dear sosad111 does not have a partner, what a disappointment". More like "yay we only have to entertain close family!"

Lastly, I do relate to what you say about feeling bitter and resentful and not liking yourself like that. I felt like this both after finding I had infertility and after my marriage broke down (the two were not related.) For me, I found that a campaign of self affirmation and self love, specifically focused on my negative self beliefs (eg "I am worthless as a woman as I can't produce a child") was the most effective way of losing those feelings. Once I stopped hating myself, I stopped hating others.

Sounds like this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4289685-Struggling-with-jealousy-over-everything-they-have

Did you NC OP? I could swear you posted something very similar before. If its you, and I think it is, you seem to be really struggling with this. Imagine your sister found out you held this kind of feelings towards her..
You need to look after your own MH. Get any help you can