Long Relationship gone really stale and awkward. any advice

[Neoerna]

Together nearly 15 years.

I suppose gradually the past couple of years sex has went stale and repetitive between us. DC are past the young stage and we get regular time alone so it's not that.

We still really enjoy each others company, still laugh a lot together and have shared interests. We are still intimate - cuddling on the setee and in bed. But sex is just .. bleh. It's like scratching an itch.

Neither of us seem to have done anything 'wrong', but we kind of look at each other like 'can we be bothered', sometimes it's no sometimes it's yes but when it's yes it's like the same routine every time. He does want PIV as well but also asks for oral and I kind of resent it a bit because I have tried to bring up that we should be making more effort sexually but he will never talk about it or change anything.

It's making me feel really insecure like is it me, would he be different with someone new. I'm not sure if that's just me as I have a history of feeling insecure. I suppose at least we still are having sex. It makes me sad though that the passion we had for years seems to have gone out.

It's all a bit awkward, it feels cringy to suggest anything because it feels like we are too familiar to be doing 'that stuff', when years ago it would have been exciting. Is it that we are bored of each other sexually and have lost sexual intimacy but not companionship love and intimacy ??

I feel I'm not explaining myself well here, but does anyone know what I mean??

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Yep but I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe the relationship has run its course

It's not really about the sex though, is it? You're not being listened to, and he blatantly dismisses your needs. It's no wonder you feel insecure.

Relationship has run its course.

I've been there.

Get out before it turns shit and you feel like your wasting your life with someone.

No shame in realising it's just done.

or

Work to make it better. Not an easy task if you both feel like your done. Can't be bothered to leave, don't want to be on your own, can't be bothered to go through that dating/finding someone crap again.

I think if everything else is good you should try and make it work.

It would be a shame, not to mention stressful and expensive to split the family up. Obviously it's still an option but I'd try and make it work first.

Have you been to counselling? Have you considered a sex therapist? Cheaper and much more fun than a divorce!

I read your post with familiarity. DH and I have been together 13 years and it was sort of heading in that direction, sex is samey/ same positions (although he doesn’t ask for oral or expect anything specific) however the rest of our relationship is great.

I’m really surprised to have come back to this thread this morning to see nearly every post saying the relationship has run its course? I wouldn’t agree with that.

If everything else is great and you’re still close and have fun then this is definitely something you can change.
Have you got/ use toys? We have a few, nothing overly elaborate. Also, do you get chance to change the time of day you have sex? That was another big thing for me, it was always when we first got into bed (only time kids allowed) now kids are older we can sneak it in at other times of day, or if kids are at a sleepover.

Of course all these suggestions may mean having a convo with your DH first and make sure you’re on the same page. You might find he feels exactly the same.

We aren't married. I'd consider counselling even though I don't exactly relish the prospect, but it's an absolute no for him.

I cannot initiate anything because I feel like it'd be forced. He would definitely go along with it if I introduced new things or asked for something - I'm sure of that - but none of the change would ever come from him so I'd feel bad.

Argh. It's such a fraught issue isn't it??

I don't know if it's just my insecurities, but I keep thinking he's gone off me physically but loves me and our life together and doesn't want me to leave cause of that. He will either ask for oral or he will initiate sex but in a very samey and predictable routine and it all feels very perfunctory, and like he knows we both need sex and by default it has to be with each other, so we get on with it.

We used to be adventurous and connected.

Now he's not talking to me because I brought it up again.

He isn't talking to you? Well that's not great is it? Why does he object to you bringing it up?

If you can't communicate then the relationship is done.

What you are feeling now will just grow and grow until you either except it or choose not to anymore.

15 years is a long time and a relationship takes work, we can all become complacent.

Sounds like you want more. Nothing wrong with that. Will you get it and can he give it.

Life is too short to not live it how you want. You are responsible for your own happiness.

It shouldn’t be a fraught issue though, you should be able to discuss it with him without him sulking afterwards because you’ve brought it up? That would annoy me a lot more than the sex issue itself.

If I felt I couldn’t discuss something, especially something very important, for fear of him acting like a child, then I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

He's always been like this in regards to communication - just shuts right down and refuses to discuss. Don't know how we've managed to stay together so long.

If it's run it's course, then it's only sexually that it's run it's course and that is so sad.

I don't think it's fair for me to keep feeling so insecure after we are intimate because he refuses to discuss it.

Should I say discuss this or I will consider leaving?? He might (eventually) discuss it then but he'll just give placating responses - this happened when we've discussed it before. He is adamant nothing has changed, then he says this is just how I am (not for the first over a decade), then I am just comfortable..

Where are you at is the question. Don't say anything if you don't mean it. If you want to make it work, see if he can meet you in the middle. If he's not prepared to try and you are ready to bail then say that too.

I'm all for making things work but sometimes it gets to a point where you might need to just have time apart.

I and many other people try to make things work but they just don't. Things change, people change. We don't have to stay together until the end of time snd we shouldn't look at it as a failure.

15 years is a long time.

Yeah I know what you mean. 15 years is a long time. I have changed, he has changed. I was still a teenager (just) when we met!!

I think I could change things, if I tried. I know he will respond if I ask him for certain things, in that way I know it's not that bad. It's just that I want him to want to, without being asked. It's really doing a number on my already low self esteem. Me asking for change won't improve my self esteem because I had to ask.

I probably wouldn't leave over this, for several reasons, so I shouldn't make the ultimatum. I just get so frustrated when it's like speaking to a brick wall and he refuses to communicate openly or gives - to me - silly excuses.

Is "I'm just comfortable" a valid reason for sex to be perfunctory and limited?? I don't know anymore.

I think the core of the problem is that the way I view sex hasn't changed after so many years, whilst the way he views sex has changed.

I view sex as a pleasurable hobby, something to look forward to, and also as a way to connect with him - I'll admit I am a bit bored with the same person for so long, but nowhere near bored enough to really bother me. He used to be on the same page, but not for the last couple years. He now seems to view sex as an itch needing to be scratched, a physical need to be fulfilled, and whilst I don't think I repulse him, my body isn't what it used to be and he is also bored of the same person probably.

Ugh.

Don't just settle for something.

Decide if you can just continue like this because I imagine you got a lot of years left. Do you want to waste them, because you or he 10 years down the line might want to end it and you've possibly just wanted 10 years.

I know what you mean about not wanting to ask for change, but if you don't ask you don't get.

When it comes to sex, I'm a hypocrite because just like you sex became the same, it was good but I wanted more. There was no bloody way I could try and talk about that, instead of it being about my needs and feelings it would be turned into me making my ex feel shitty and I don't think, no matter how I approached it, she would have felt bad about herself. I felt I made most of the effort to spice things up and I got fed up of that and gave up.

I'd rather be on my own than unhappy in a relationship.