Anxious vs avoidant attachment styles in relationships

[victoria2222222]

Hi,
I am just wandering if anyone has any experience on the above and whether this should be avoided at all costs or whether two peopel can actually make it work?

I think my ex was avoidant. I didn't know about it back then but I always felt that there was something missing in the way he "attached" to me. It destroyed my self esteem and I wish I'd listened to my intuition sooner.

I would be classed as avoidant and an anxious attachment style would not work for me at all I'm afraid.

People aren't just one attachment style, and they are also more than their attachment style, so yes, I think it can work (in fact, I expect it's a quite frequent pairing). But whether it works happily and helps both partners thrive really depends on how willing they both are to listen to the other, reflect on the relationship, change a bit...

It really depends how aware each person is of their attachment style and whether they can communicate and compromise. If I had to make a generalisation though I’d say no.

My dad is avoidant and my mum anxious. They drove each other absolutely nuts and are now divorced.
I'm avoidant and definitely could not cope with an anxiously attached partner.

I'm anxious and my ex was avoidant. Personally I believe it can work but only if both sides are happy, willing and able to understand why they have those attachment styles and how they can complement one another. This takes communication, and from my experience, avoidant attachment styles generally aren't often able/want to have those lines of communication.

Doubtful, the anxious person will usually require far more reassurance and contact than the avoidant person will be comfortable supplying. Conversely, the avoidant may feel crowded by the requests and unable to reciprocate, then retreating and so on.

I wonder if I'm both. Anxious when I'm the interested in the Avoidant, but Avoidant when I have someone Anxious interested in me.

My ex was avoidant and that made me much more anxious than I am with the new guy I'm seeing who answers calls/messages/sticks to arrangements etc.
I don't blame my ex too much because he's happy being him, I think.
But it made me feel needy/unhinged and I'm not at all, we just weren't well suited. Since we broke up, I don't really recognise who I was then and I think attachments styles which complement each other matter hugely in whether relationships work.

@Getbehindme

I wonder if I'm both. Anxious when I'm the interested in the Avoidant, but Avoidant when I have someone Anxious interested in me.

I have wondered that too!

Some studies suggest the attachment style can change
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/attachment-styles-cant-change-can-they

You can’t. I have an anxious attachment style as a result of being with someone avoidant for 10 years.

Im now secure/anxious with someone of the same type and it just works. Highly recommend reading attached by Levine x

@Getbehindme

I wonder if I'm both. Anxious when I'm the interested in the Avoidant, but Avoidant when I have someone Anxious interested in me.

Yes you could be. It's called Fearful Avoidant attachment and is a combination of anxious and avoidant styles.

I have really Disorganised attachment (a mix of avoidant and anxious) and tbh it’s a real headfuck for everyone. I’m avoidant when someone is ‘too into me’ and anxious when they’re not. Gotta love that childhood trauma I don’t think they pair well having been at both ends.

Awareness and avoidance of this dynamic is a sign of a burgeoning secure attachment style.

Working hard to make this dynamic work is a sign of an anxious attachment style.

Pretending that this dynamic doesn't exist in your relationship is a sign of an avoidant attachment style.

You must be more on the anxious side of things, OP, to be posting this. Step back and look at it from further away; from why you are even asking the question, rather than from wanting to know the answer to the question.

Well, a long and unhappy marriage is a common outcome of such a relationship. So, no. I think it’s best avoided.

I’m anxious/avoidant. My ex is textbook avoidant and it nearly destroyed me as a person. I was a shell of my former self by the end.

I read lots about attachment styles and why we are the way we are. I’m also codependent due to childhood trauma.

I’ve stepped away from relationships for the moment to work on myself and get myself into a secure attachment style. I may never get there but even if I do I will never entertain an avoidant ever again.

There are some excellent YouTube videos on the different types of attachment styles too.

@Getbehindme

I wonder if I'm both. Anxious when I'm the interested in the Avoidant, but Avoidant when I have someone Anxious interested in me.

There's a name for it. It's fearful avoidant attachment.

Ah sorry, I missed that someone had already posted this.

These types are best matched with someone with a secure attachment.

@Fijiwater

I'm anxious and my ex was avoidant. Personally I believe it can work but only if both sides are happy, willing and able to understand why they have those attachment styles and how they can complement one another. This takes communication, and from my experience, avoidant attachment styles generally aren't often able/want to have those lines of communication.

This. Often anxious-avoidant relationships are stable (in that they are likely to continue, not that they are 'secure' and happy) but people in anxious-avoidant relationships tend to have pretty low relationship satisfaction. But I do believe that with love and commitment to communication etc, it's possible for an anxious and avoidant person to have a good relationship. But it would take a lot of work on both sides.

For the record, I'm anxious and my dp is avoidant and it's been a fucking mess really :( and my attachment style with him specifically has gone from anxious (preoccupied) to fearful avoidant (my general attachment style is still anxious).