Am I being silly?

[Leftwonderingtonight]

I’ve NC as I don’t want this attached to my other posts.

I think I just need some perspective. I am engaged to a genuinely lovely man, whom I love very much. We are very happy and have been together 6 years.

In the first year of our relationship, he had a drunken one night stand. At that stage we weren’t event living together but we were exclusive and it absolutely devastated me as I had never been cheated on before and I knew even then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. However it was reasonably early days in the relationship.

He never tried to rationalise it or excuse it, and immediately confessed the next day. Essentially he was on a boys night out and just got really really (blackout) drunk.

That was actually the first time since I’d met him that he’d gone out drinking with the boys. He has mates and would have after work catch ups or day time activities, but that was the first evening ‘big night out’.

We broke up and took some time apart. It took some time, a lot of work but I did forgive him. I never in a million years thought I would be the person that could forgive a cheater but life is funny sometimes. We went to counseling, he knew that I wasn’t a fool and if it ever happened again then he wouldn’t get another chance.

So that was a very long time ago, he’s never every given me a reason to ever doubt him or worry. I never check his phone or try and catch him out in lies. I don’t need to because I trust him. He’s a wonderful father and my best friend.

But he’s never had another night out with the boys since. Why? Well… yeah I don’t know. Maybe he was a bit traumatised by the fallout initially so he didn’t want to and then he was probably trying to prove to me he didn’t need to go out and get drunk, that he was happy to stay home with me, to make me feel better i suppose. He still carried on with daytime/after work social events but no big boys nights out. Not mandated by me I’ll add.

And then we had DD who is now nearly 3 so like most people, our evening social lives went out the door for a while anyway.

And then the other day he just casually says he’s meeting his a mate for drinks on Saturday night. This mate was there on ‘that’ night. I just immediately knew that while he probably wasn’t planning a Big Night Out, it would nonetheless be a night out, when I wouldn’t know when he would be home, for the first time in over 5 years. And the last time that happened, my world was ripped apart.

So, dear reader, if you have stuck with my stream of consciousness this long, I do thank you. But this is what I am wondering. Am I unreasonable to be worried? When he’s given me no reason to worry? He’s never lied to me.
Is it normal to fret? I just have so much more to lose now.

Any wise words of wisdom would be appreciated and sorry for how long that was!

I don't think you're being silly at all, and I know I'd feel the same way. (I know though that I couldn't have stayed after the first time). The rational answer is.....you chose to stay, to forgive and move on, therefore you have to give him free reign, otherwise he's only behaving because he has no chance not to. The good thing (if you can call it that) is that he owned up the next day, not a lot of people would have done that.

6 years on, no other mishaps, I think I'd be totally honest with him about my fears, but give him the chance to prove to you that that incident really was a drunken one off, in the early stages of your relationship, years ago. I do totally sympathise though, I'd be exactly the same

Would it be worth telling him how you're feeling and asking for some reassurance? Me and my partner have a rule that if anything is bothering us, regardless of how silly or irrational it may be or sound, we talk about it openly and reassure each other

Thank you for the replies.

Yeah I think that’s totally valid, I should be able to tell him how I’m feeling. I suppose I was just aware of not wanting it to look like that’s where my mind went straight to after all these years (even though that’s exactly what’s happened).

I just don’t want to come across as controlling. He can of course come and he as he pleases and I don’t want to keep punishing him for one (big) mistake that I forgave him for a long time ago. He really did put in the hard yards for a long time to regain my trust and rebuild our relationship, I would feel terrible if he felt that just because he’s going out for the night that I was thinking he was going to do the same thing again.

Hence me posting here to work this out. Part of me thinks it’s all done and in the past now, I did chose to forgive as booboo says so I have to just work out a way to deal with this anxiety associated with him going out. It probably doesn’t help that he goes out so infrequently.

If someone's going to cheat they're going to cheat, big night out or not. You're both in a very different position now to where you were when he cheated on you. Appreciate that it's bringing back memories for you, but from what you've said I don't think you've anything to worry about.

Great point. And the logical side of my brain is definitely agreeing with you.

My neurotic side is saying yeah but he hasn’t been out with this mate in a long time and look what happened last time. And while he doesn’t get drunk often, when he does it’s just next level. As evidenced by his past indiscretion.

I don’t want to feel like this every time he goes out though. I do feel like this is ‘my’ problem.

There’s a line in Peter’s Friends where Emma Thompson says to Imelda Staunton - “your overreaction is completely understandable but it is an overreaction.”

I think that’s what’s happening now. He made a very serious mistake early on in your relationship but he confessed immediately (when he didn’t have to), went through losing you and worked hard to get to a place where you felt able to reconcile with him, build a relationship and in time start a family.

You’re both in a completely different place now. So while I understand the knee-jerk emotional response to this, I think you are overreacting. Perhaps share your fear with him as someone suggested upthread or perhaps the most loving thing in this instance is to act like you trust him fully and assume he will behave appropriately.

If it requires a reminder from you to keep him honest, then your relationship must be hanging by a thread. But of course, it isn’t. Sounds like you have a great relationship, OP, and like he wants to preserve it as much as you do.

Ask him to keep in contact with you through text, update when he changes bars, make sure he knows to text back when you text him etc. Just tell him it's unsettled you. I had this too and I got through it and it took a fair bit of time but I eventually learned to trust again and now I don't even bother texting him when he's out.

I know all about the neurotic side of the brain. It actually convinces you that the thing you fear will happen unless you ward it off by worrying. It feels like insurance against the bad thing happening.

But worrying has no bearing. All you do is torture yourself unnecessary. I’m evangelical about this because I’ve only really just understood it myself (and I’m early 50s): you’re allowed to not worry. You’re allowed to relax. A big one for me (literally and figuratively): you’re allowed to enjoy flying!

You’re allowed to trust that he’ll behave himself (sounds like he will!) and if he doesn’t (sounds very unlikely) that’s on him. It won’t be because you didn’t worry enough.

Give yourself and him the gift of believing it will be fine. Plan something nice for yourself too. Perhaps a film once the children are in bed. Or host a gossipy evening with a close friend. Relax and enjoy his evening out!

I can completely understand why you feel the way you do.

Thing is, if he's going to cheat again he is going to cheat again. You can't be with him all the time.

You either trust him or you don't, he either breaks that trust or he doesn't.

Not much you can do about it, especially because he hasn't done anything wrong and projecting your insecurities on to him will just make your relationship worse.

If it were me, I probably say 'have fun. Try to to shag anyone this time. Joking...but not joking'. So he knows it's playing on your mind a little. Then maybe he'll be able to reassure you by saying he will be home by 1am/not drink much/strop you a message at some point or whatever.

If you are depressed you are living in the past.

If you are anxious you are living in the future.

If you are at peace you are living in the present.

Lao Tzu

Easy to say that though.

@Pinkbonbon

If it were me, I probably say 'have fun. Try to to shag anyone this time. Joking...but not joking'. So he knows it's playing on your mind a little. Then maybe he'll be able to reassure you by saying he will be home by 1am/not drink much/strop you a message at some point or whatever.

. . . Don't bloody say that. Way to make him feel bad. Which he already did.

Don't get him to give you specific times either. After a few beers, he'll lose track of time and might want to stay out.

Just let him have his night out. Me and ex had to agree not to txt. I would not hear phone go, or try for hours to txt back but get distracted and she'd get annoyed.

I understand why you feel this way, but you chose to forgive and forget. So you need to get over your neurosis I am afraid.

Thanks for the replies everyone, you’re all making me feel better. I do know deep down that it’s not going to happen again, I’m just annoyed I’ve been transported back in time to that horrible place.

I should have mentioned, I’m in Australia so he’s out now, it’s nearly 10pm which for us is quite late . On his way out he came and gave me a kiss and I said something like have a nice time! And then there was this awkward silence. So I think he kind of got it? I dunno, hello overthinking.

In saying that, he’s not texted or anything and he’s been out since 5pm. Hardly scandalous I know. But then I was out last night and I only text when I’m on my way home. I go out way more than him though. (Out, not blind drunk I should say).

But thank you again, I am getting some perspective.

👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

^
Dery
I know all about the neurotic side of the brain. It actually convinces you that the thing you fear will happen unless you ward it off by worrying. It feels like insurance against the bad thing happening. ^

Absolutely this!! Brilliantly put

Just a quick update: he came home a bit past midnight and did text a couple of times near the end (‘one more and I’m on my way!’).

Not even that drunk too because he was barely snoring. So yeah, lesson learned!

And it’s my turn for a lie in today (we alternate Sundays) but I hadn’t mentioned it. He only went and set an alarm for himself, got up, fed the dog and is now sorting DD breakfast.

I am very aware of what a good man he is, and I know I’m very lucky. I’m not going to say anything to him about how I was feeling because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s done nothing wrong and I feel dredging everything up from the past will do absolutely no good. Next time around I don’t think it will be an issue (fingers crossed).

Thank you all again.

👍🏽

Lovely update OP. It sounds as if you’ve got a good one there. Hopefully now that you’ve got past the big “first” if he goes out again you won’t feel quite so (understandably) anxious.