Expectations too much? Mentally move on.

[Eggybreadlush]

Need some advice. So I have fallen for a friend. Or so I think, but not too sure it’s both ways. I get hot and cold vibes from him, but it’s a bit complicated.

Backstory - we both dated a few years ago for 6 months. Was again hot and cold. We broke up as I felt he was fading me out and life for both of us was complicated and busy. We didn’t prioritise each other.

Over the last few years we stayed in touch and would met up as friends, even when both had partners. We both became single just before December lockdown and bubbled up together.

We were Friends with benefits. Then he got falsely accused of sexual assault by his ex. Police investigation lasting 6 months where he couldn’t work and his mental health suffered badly. I supported him lots and we were in constant contact. I suppose we got to know each other better. He retreated from life and only saw a handful of people and said I was his rock.

No action was taken and the accused is now being charged for wasting police time and up to a fitness to practice panel with work. Evidence was found on her phone to a friend saying she was taking revenge. I Was there when the police told him.

Police investigation ended a few months ago and life for him returned. He is doing counselling and trying to get back to normal. We still text each day, but not as frequent. We see each other once a week for dinner and do act flirty. He does nice things for me, it’s like a relationship without the intimacy

We went out a few Saturdays ago for food and cinema and it seemed odd, like a date. He was reminiscing over when we were last at this cinema - when we were dating. He accidentally held my hand in the cinema and kept looking at me. Paid for it all and was very nervous - not like his joke self. It was like our first date.

However, last few weeks due to weekends away and commitments we haven’t seen each other. His texts are less frequent. I am going through a health scare, which his mum died of and he is not that supportive. He got really upset when I told him what I am being investigated for and shut down. He was upset and said his mum died a horrible death. I am sure I am fine.

He was talking about his counselling and said he wasn’t ready mentally to date and if he did was scared he would mess it up. His counsellor said he needed to take time out to repair. But kept asking if I was dating and said I should wait till I get the all clear.

So do I conclude that our friendship is fazing out and the closeness is going back to normal friends?

Or he is telling me he is interested and to wait till he is ready? He knows my expectations in a relationship and said a while ago I was perfect for him and he messed up.

Me - still dating as I don’t want him to pause my life and do the pick me dance . But I keep comparing guys to him so can’t move on.

How do I move on? I should tell him, but I don’t think he is mentally ready to form a relationship and it could ruin a friendship.

What to do?

The hot and cold cycle is very addictive. And very unhealthy.

Honestly I think for your own good, you should walk away from the whole thing. I'm not sure what you get out of the relationship.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Yeah, agree with pp unfortunately, walk away from this whole thing.

Am getting bad vibes.

He was telling you to stay single because even though he doesn't want to date you, he doesn't want other people to date you. Sounds like he is telling you to wait for him but I think that's bullshit designed to string you along in hopes of things being something more.

Bringing up his mum when you told him you were ill...spunds like he was making it all about him when he should have been comforting you. I mean, I could be wrong on that as I wasn't there.

But he gives me bad vibes op.
I'd give this one a swerve. If nothing else, he is far too much drama. Focus on getting yourself well again.

Bad news.
Walk away now.

Bringing up his mum when you told him you were ill...spunds like he was making it all about him when he should have been comforting you.

Agreed. It looks like it's very one-sided. You are there for him to pick up and put down when he feels like it, and when you're in need of support and care, he isn't there for you and in fact turns it into probably you being sympathetic and listening to him.

You deserve better.

You deserve someone who is all in and someone who sees you as a person - you're just useful to this man.

Would you say you have low self-esteem? Do you always feel you have to be the rescuer/the giver in relationships?

@category12 my self esteem is fine. Any other guy I would of walked away. Kicking myself why this guy. Not a rescuer. He is though.

@Pinkbonbon he looked shocked and upset. Gave me a big hug and told me it would be ok. Throughout I get hugs but not words.

It does seem one way support. I did say this to him but he said whenever I want to talk do he is here. He will if I mention it.

I Am not too sure if read signals wrong. Normally good at this. He just seems to have gone quiet since counselling. He says he is processing and keeping himself busy. He does have his daughter lots as his ex is finding her behaviour hard to manage

It does seem one way support. I did say this to him but he said whenever I want to talk do he is here. He will if I mention it

He's not though, is he? He says he is, but you talk about your health issue - and he makes it about himself.

Like I said upthread, hot & cold treatment is very addictive - it's the intermittent reinforcement that has the effect.

Do yourself a favour and walk away from the "friendship".

@category12 intermittent reinforcement?

When someone goes hot and cold on you, you never know when you're going to get the reward of their attention, and it's a psychological phenomenon that actually the inconsistency makes the person work harder for the reward from the other person.

"This same phenomenon (albeit much more simplistically) is displayed in the behavior of gamblers at slot machines. Despite the low chance of winning, gamblers become “addicted” to investing their hard-earned money just for the chance of a pay-off."

"It bears repeating that while this behavior may seem nonsensical on the surface, it’s because humans feel far less incentive to perform a certain behavior when they know it will always yield a reward. An inconsistent, unpredictable cycle of rewards, however, causes them to invest more in the hope for that ever elusive “win.”"

@category12 so basically ignore? You might be right. He hasn’t texted today, where he normally would. I know he has his daughter and is busy with her.

I wouid normally text, but resisting. Maybe if I go cold it might work with him😅

Are you the same lady who posted earlier in the year, about having feelings for a friend who was in a bad place mentally?
If it's you, I commented on that thread too.
It sounds like to me, he is majorly hinting; 'WAIT!' but is scared his feelings are not reciprocated.
I can tell you as someone who has been in a similar situation; when you're in the thralls of depression, you can't make sense of anything or trust your gut. You're incredibly vulnerable at that time, and you're petrified of more pain.
This guy, really sounds like he's been though it.

@duacheapa yes. He does seem fine now. He is off his meds and doing counselling. He says he isn’t depressed. Just keeps himself busy

It sounds to me like he is just scared that he'll lose another person he loves to the same illness and it's a self preservation thing on his part to put some distance between you.

I'd be fully optimistic in this situation and tell him how you feel as soon as you get the all clear.

Good luck and I hope everything turns out okay for you x

said he wasn’t ready mentally to date and if he did was scared he would mess it up.

I'd take this at face value. He's not ready just now. It won't be successful if he's not in the right frame of mind. I can't imagine it would be good for you to pursue something with someone who isn't quite there. I don't think it sounds like he's not interested, just that he's been through a lot and that it's had an impact mentally.

@Peach01 I agree which is why I haven’t said anything. It’s hard as I am subconsciously putting my life on hold. I am dating and trying to move on, but have that question what if.

Today I resisting contacting him. Hoping distance be will be good for me.