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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling terrible as ex is with somebody else.

13 replies

Lajumelle1 · 30/10/2021 06:28

I'm feeling stupid and humiliated. Please help.Sad

I've done that age old thing of following my recent ex (broke up in April) on Facebook and have just seen a photo of him with somebody new looking all loved up. I'm heartbroken as I still really love him. Why do men move on so quickly? I will never understand it! The person I was with before him which was also a long-term relationship was with somebody else within 2 months. I don't get how they can say they love you so much up until you break up and then get with somebody else in no time at all.

I feel humiliated as it was his birthday a couple of weeks ago and I sent him a card wishing him all the best and saying I would always love him. Feel so absolutely stupid.

OP posts:
wtfisthisoneabout · 30/10/2021 06:35

There's nothing stupid or humiliating about expressing your feelings. It's a brave thing to do.Thanks

Why did you two break up?

jclm · 30/10/2021 06:40

We have all been there!! Don't feel bad for sending the card.

Lajumelle1 · 30/10/2021 06:45

Thanks so much to you both. I wish I hadn't said I would always love him but it is the truth. Sad Social media is a curse. Maybe best to delete Facebook for now. He very rarely posts but I have been checking from time to time and he was out with her for his birthday. I need to stop tormenting myself over this.

OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 30/10/2021 06:52

Probably best just to remove him or delete Facebook as you won’t find yourself on his profile. It’s hard but you will move on and be in a better position in the future

Nyxs · 30/10/2021 06:53

I get why you are feeling the way you are. Don't feel humiliated.

However, moving on doesn't mean you didn't love the person you used to be with. It means you have just moved on, accepted the last relationship is over. You can miss a person, but know being together wasn't working and move on.

Its not wrong that you haven't moved on. But it's not wrong the other person has either.

You don't need to delete Facebook. But you need to be strong enough to cut all contact and stop looking at his page.

And then work on getting yourself passed the break up. 6 months is a long time for it to feel so raw for you.

We're you hoping you would eventually get back together?

Lajumelle1 · 30/10/2021 06:55

@MimiDaisy11you're right as I'm looking at the photo and comparing myself to her.

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 30/10/2021 06:56

It sounds to me as though you love deeply and genuinely. I'm struggling to believe the two people you mention are as genuine if, as you say, they were declaring love right up until you broke up.
Were there any other signs, with hindsight, that perhaps they weren't always deeply honest? Maybe little inconsistencies between what they did and what they said?
I wonder because if they can declare love and then very quickly end the relationship that is a fundamental mismatch between words and deeds. From where I'm standing the new girlfriend doesn't have much of a prize that being the case.

I was with a bf before my now husband, the relatiinship had its problems and I told him I was unhappy, in fact had ended things but been persuaded to try again, so when I broke up with him it was no surprise. I then randomly met my now dh one week later and was in a relationship with him only 2 weeks after bf and I broke up. But my feelings had been dying for some time, I'd already emotionally let go of the relationship with my bf some time before so the moving on wasn't as quick as it looked. But then I wasn't telling my bf at the time I was happy with him!

I think if you can be with someone and notice if they are emotionally honest (do they say to their mates the same they say behind their back, do they do the right thing even if they think no-one is looking, are they open about it if they are unhappy so give constructive criticism kindly not leave to guessing or pretending it's all fine... etc etc), then you are in a better place to know that declarations of love are real and deep, not just being said cos it's what you want to hear.
But crucially you have to allow the other person to love you as comes naturally to them, some people can be coerced by emotional pressure to profess a love they don't truly feel. So you need to offer your love in the way that comes naturally but without requiring any particular return. If you can do that then whatever comes your way is freely given.

So if they are fundamentally true to themselves, not 2 faced in any way, and you accept their love as they freely offer it, and they love you in a way that is compatible with what you need then this situation you are suffering becomes much less likely.

I'm sorry you are hurting, and I can see why you regret sending the card, but you won't do that again. It is hard when you have a lot of love with nowhere for it to go, so be forgiving of yourself, it shows you care deeply and when you meet the right person they will be lucky to have that.

Seek the honest guys and see how they offer love without trying to influence that then you'll know where you stand.

WTF475878237NC · 30/10/2021 06:59

Six my is no time at all if you've been together several years...there's no time limit on mourning the loss of someone or your hoped for future. That being said, perhaps he was one of those men that can check out but still say all the right things up until the last day, so it seems they move on quicker than they do. He might also be someone who needs someone new in order to get over a breakup.

It won't hurt forever. Keep going.

Lajumelle1 · 30/10/2021 06:59

@Nyxs thank you so much for your advice.

Yes, I was hoping we could reconcile but obviously that's not a possibility anymore. I really did/do love him but we clashed a lot of the time, I suppose. He was like Wikipedia and didn't like of I called him out on his 'facts' being incorrect.Grin

Maybe he has only just got with her which I suppose is a reasonable amount of time. I think I'm still scarred from the last ex moving on within less than 2 months.

OP posts:
Lajumelle1 · 30/10/2021 07:04

I don't spot inconsistencies maybe as when I tell somebody I love them I really mean it and don't understand why you would say it if you didn't. Sad

OP posts:
Nyxs · 30/10/2021 07:10

[quote Lajumelle1]@Nyxs thank you so much for your advice.

Yes, I was hoping we could reconcile but obviously that's not a possibility anymore. I really did/do love him but we clashed a lot of the time, I suppose. He was like Wikipedia and didn't like of I called him out on his 'facts' being incorrect.Grin

Maybe he has only just got with her which I suppose is a reasonable amount of time. I think I'm still scarred from the last ex moving on within less than 2 months.[/quote]
I am sorry you have spent time hoping for reconciliation and have now realised it was false hope. That must be painful.

Again with you ex that moved on in 2 months, how did that break up come about?

As a poster said above, my marriage was emotionally over way before it physically ended. I didnt cheat or anything. But sometime relationships are over a long time before they end.

Or you realise or wasn't right. Or you date as a distraction. I had been left my husband 2 years before I got in another relationship. But I did casually date. Even though my marriage was over for a long time I had no intention of having a long term relationship. But casual relationships helped fill my time when the kids weren't around. It was a distraction from everything that was going on. Obviously all the people I dated knew it wasn't going to be serious.

You need to try and reframe things. People moving in quickly is not a reflection of your worth. You deserve to be happy and you need to start moving on from this ex. You deserve to.

TopCatsTopHat · 30/10/2021 07:14

I agree, I could never say I love you if I didn't mean it, but there are people who do which is why it's helpful to know if their behaviour is authentic in all areas of their life. If not then you have reason to doubt them. Usually if someone is disingenuous it leaks out in other areas of their life.

GrandmasCat · 30/10/2021 07:26

OP, I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. It is undeniable that men find it easier to move on and find new partners but that may be directly related to the fact that, unlike women, men have more free time for hobbies, meeting new people and rebuild their life (I know that this can be said of women if they have no kids but then most of their female friends will do and it is not possible to go out as often as men can).

The thing is, this has not become a race to forget each other. I would suggest you give yourself permission to love him until you don’t as trying to fight these feelings will make you feel more miserable and may extend your misery. What you resist persists, don’t fight your feelings, they will eventually fade out.

It is true you cannot control how you feel but you can control what you think, so it is always helpful to try to distract yourself the moment you start missing him, do not wallow in the feeling, just turn the TV, ring a friend, read something, gets in mumsnet to avoid thinking about him too much as the more you think of him the more attached to him you will become.

It is also important to write a list of why the relationship ended, I am sure that even if he was the one who ended it, there will be a long list of issues about why it wasn’t working. Keep the list on hand so everytime you start to idealise him (it happens when you miss them) you can get back to the list to remember they were not really that great.

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