what do I say

[needmorecoffee]

dd(15) ran away last januray but kept in touch by IM till september when she announced we had emotionally abused her. No contact since. I dont know what to do. I've sent her emails telling her I love her but not got any reply. Am totally heartbroekn now but also angry. I don't deserve this. I didn't intentionally emotionally abuse her but inisted she do chores and insisted she tell me where she was going and wouldn't let her have parties here. Normal stuff to me. And yes, I shouted at her when she wound me up. I'm not perfect but no worse than most mums. I feel like she's punishing me because I was not like her friends mums. Apparently they handed out cash and never had rules and these women have been filling her head with this sort of parenting stuff and judging my parenting. Yet none of them have lived in my shoes, none of them have had to give birth to a brain damaged baby and spend 3 years struggling with that whle trying to stay sane with the other kids. Yet they pass judgement on me and also tell my daughter I obviously don't have the illness I have (I use a wheelchair outside) but am attentionseeking. It hurts that she listens to them, the very people who told me what a nuisance she was when she was younger and didn't want her to come play.
So I am angry as well as broken and I want to write to my daughter (again) but I don't know how to put it. No-one is telling her that running away and cutting me off is OTT given that I wasn't a bad mother.
Xmas without her will be unbrearable
Any advice? Any help to get through to a angry teen? How to I counter these judgemntal perfect people that she would rather listen too? Help

omg hun im so sorry i cant imagine how awful this is for you.

all i can suggest is that you keep telling her that you love her and that you miss her and you would love nothing more than to see her.

some people dont know how to mind their own without stirring it up.

I really hope she gets in touch soon

xx

You can't do anything. Not at 15. She won't listen.

All you can do is be the adult. Let her know that you love her and don't try to make her see your POV - she won't, not yet and you'll just get into an argument.

I'd advise cool, calm and kind. Send her an email wishing her a merry christmas and telling her that you miss her and are thinking of her.

Keep sending the emails, telling her you love her, but not desperate or pleading. Just stay light and airy and keep her up to date with what you are all doing, family news...imagine she is living overseas or something!

When she grows up, she'll view things very differently. I am sure she'll come back to your family, probably feeling very foolish and very grateful that you made so much effort.

Perhaps you could have some counselling to help you come to terms with all this?

I agree with Hekate. I think all you can do is wait till she grows up, develops some empathy, and realises what she is missing.

thanks Hekate. I'm having counselling but its like part of my heart is torn out and I know I'll never get this year back. I cant bear to look at photos or even see shops that we went into together. I really am pathetic. And so afraid she'll reach 16 and vanish

You're not pathetic. I can't imagine how painful it must be.

But the sad reality is - whatever will be, will be - you can't control what she may or may not choose to do. So you HAVE to find a way to get some form of peace and having faith that she will grow up, see sense and come home may just give you that.

and I'll admit to the anger. How can she hurt me so much? I was a good mum. Not perfect given whats happenend over the last 3 years. I could understand if I'd betaen her or something. It made me think of those poor parents who grounded their daughter, also 15, and she ran away and hanged herself. I suppose I'm lucky but why does this happen? Yet you see on Jeremy Kyle truly awful mothers and their daughters haven't run away.
Today I feel they would be better off without me. The counselling is just talking and doesn't help. It hasn't got her back or fixed dd2's brain. Dunno why I go.
I really am down and don't know anyone who has gone through this.

i cant give much of an answer now because i have a very irritable two year old on my case. But i just wanted to offer my sympathy and support. HAve you posted on here before about this because your post seems in the same vein as one i read before??

Do you know where your DD is?

I am in a similar (well not that similar) situation with my DP, she is 17 and basically very jealous of DD2. A healthy little girl, so no problems there. Right now she is living with her boyfriends parents, i dont like it, but i know where she is and he is good to her. I have had to learn to take a real step back and give her the freedom she needs.

Your post rang true to me in so many ways. My DD bigest problem was the fact i woudlnt let her hang around with crap people (druggies!) and basically do as she liked. Thank god her boyfriend isnt like this. I pushed her at school and she rebelled etc etc. So that part of your post i could have written. I too am not the perfect mother and we have had a rough couple of years.

Do keep sending the emails, make it clear you love her and always will be there for her. Ask her if she could just send a reply to let you know she is ok and ask her if she would like to come for xmas.

Please do not take this the wrong way, but sometimes when my DD gives me trouble i have to accept that actually it is not my fault, that she is being a manipulative and spiteful teenager. Sometimes it is sooo obvious too. It could be that your DD is playing a joker here and testing your resolve etc. Is it possible you could get in touch via a third party, even if the third partY is one of the arses that you describe in your post - needs must.

I do know how you feel, it hurts, but sometimes being a good parent is about stepping back and letting go. Its shit though

I have posted before. She is living with the in-laws who can buy her nice things. They also never discuss emotions nor have told her that what she has done is unreasoanble.
No way would she see me for Xmas, she wont even email or IM. In sept she promised (via IM) that she would email me and keep in touch if I would let her go to a party at a banned house (the inlaws sort of respect two places I have banned). She made all sorts of promises and like a mug I said yes. Hoping she'd see I wasn't nasty and evil and didn't say things like no just to be horrible. Not a peep since. No IM, no reply to emails except the one after the party to say she's decided that I emotionally abused her.
Her brothers want nothing to do with her ever again. This hurt them too. Her baby sister wont remember her (and that hurts too)

Hi, I don't know if this helps at all but one of my friends ran away from home at about 16, left school, went to live with a heroin addict - generally behaved like every mother's worse nightmare. A couple of years later she realised she was being an idiot, went back to college to do A-levels, moved back home, went to uni and is now very happy with a good relationship with her mother.

I met her after all this happened and didn't believe her when she first told . If you met her now - busy mum, good relationship, active in the community you wouldnt believe it either.

I know this probably doesn't help much now, but in a few years she will probably be so horribly guilty for treating you like this. I know I am for the way I treated my mum and that was just the usual teenage tantrums.

needmorecoffee, i feel for you i really do. I have lots of points i want to make but im a bit crap so bear with me.

My situation is clearly much different to yours as my DD2 doesnt have any physical problems. (Sorry, i dont know the whole deal with your baby). But the jealousy from DD1 is terrible, i can see she loves her sister but it eats her away. She is being ridiculous, i love both of my children the same, but of course DD2 needs so much more attention just now. I can only imagine this is ten fold with your DD. I also think that it is very common for siblings of SN children to feel left out as their brothers or sisters need so much of mums time. Have you posted on the SN board for peoples experiences?

You would think, that being 15 (which is how old my dd was when DD2 came along) they would be mature enough to almost be a second mummy to the new baby. The amount of times people say to me, ooh i bet DD1 is a great help. This really hurts and my DD1, although she clearly loves her sister, cannot get past her jealousy and hardly has anything to do with her, my DD2 doesnt recognise her as part of her family because she bearly sees her. So, you would think your DD would be the same, and even more protective because of the little ones extra needs. But the thing is, and i have to remind myself of this, being a teenager is shit, i was as bad, if not worse than my DD1 at her age. No, i was definately worse. You really need your parents, but you darent admit it to yourself, you think you know everything, you are totally confused by all your thoughts and emotions because you are hijacked by hormones. And talk about being self absorbed, it was definately a case of me me me me me. Then, along comes another child to take all the limelight when the whole entire world is supposed to revolve around you. I hate to describe my DD as selfish, but she is, terribly, horribly selfish. It doesnt stop me from feeling like shit about the way things have turned out.

Sorry to blather on about me me me, but im hoping by explaining how i feel and try to rationalise my own DDs behaviour, i can help you understand yours, or at least stop beating yourself up over it.

Do you get on with your inlaws? ARe you still with DDs dad? sorry i know you have probably posted all this but i have a bad enough time remembering my own shite

Firstly though, you did not and are not emotionally abusing your child. Sorry but your DD is trying to emotionally blackmail and hit back at you for something she is angry about. (might it be that she is deeply upset about her sister being poorly and has to target that anger somehow?)

You mention that your inlaws can buy her nice things etc, that can be a big pull. My DD was here today and i said that i thought she should come home (more to see what her reaction was) You want to know what she said?? She said, no mum, ive got a kingsize bed at DPs mums house, ive got Sky, a TV AND computor in my room and we are getting a 40" plasma screen for the wall. Whoopdefucking do - honestly, that child does not live in the real world .

Sorry there is no real structure to this, im typing as i think, and im not to strong on either

You also said your inlaws don't discuss emotions, well that is also nice and easy for DD, no facing up to things she might not want to face.

Incedentally, what about school, does she still attend school? The only reason i ask is because i think there could be some potential in talking to her teacher with regards to setting up some counselling for her. You say you have had some, and it wasnt much help, but it may be more help than you think (im in counselling just now too, fwiw). Also, although i do understand you might not want to involve social services (i dont have a particularly high opinion, however i do know that they can provide things like family counselling which maybe after some counselling on her own, your DD might be interested in.

Don't give up on your daughter, you will always be her mother and she knows this deep down, and deep down she knows you love her and she LOVES YOU. I would quite happily take your DD and mine and bang their fecking heads together, one day, they will see how shit they are behaving.

I dont know what to advise you to do. But, you know that your DD is safe (she has your inlaws and as much as it must hurt, they will look out for her) and you know that she knows your door is always open. I have had to let my little girl go, i am basically watching her screw her life up, but i can do nothing but hope that one day, when she grows up, she will settle down into something that makes her happy. Its the hardest thing i have ever had to do, but i do know that it must be worse for you because i do stil have contact.

What i would say is this, my DD and i are the same person, we clash terribly and i can feel myself having to sit on my anger when we are together. We dont get on, but that doesnt mean we dont love each other - i miss her so much, but i just have to hold on to the fact that she will be back, one day. I feel very strongly that your DD will be the same. It might take time, and im sorry to say, it might take a long time, but one day, i promise you.

I dont know if this has helped or not.

Another thing you can do, is write her a letter, not email as email is easy to delete. Write her a letter, on nice paper, tell her everything, right from the day SHE was born and how you felt about her, and how you feel about her now. She might not answer, she might not even read it straight away, but im willing to bet she will keep it.

Being a mother is the most heartbreaking job in the world isnt it? I do hope things work out for you i really do.

OMG what a long, waffly post. I hope it makes some sense at least.