TW(Abortion) Will I ever have a normal relationship with a father like mine?

[lifeoverat27]

When I was younger my parents used to argue regularly, both problems with alcohol and substances. My mum used to physically attack my dad, but I never saw him do the same. One of my earliest memories is standing between them when they were arguing and trying to stop them getting to each other.

From the age of 18 I've been in horrendous relationships... physical violent, used for sex and cheated on. Most recently got cheated on by someone I bent over backwards to be nice to. He told me I was needy, cold and a bitch.

Whenever things like this happen, I just spiral. I always remember hearing my mum say in an argument to my dad (about me) "You and you're mother were pressuring me to get an abortion"

My dad's always hated me. Called me a c*nt from about age 12. Always defended ex-partners who treated me badly.

That comment replays over and over in my head. It's like I was never meant to be here.

I've had therapy since age 15, so 12 years. I know why I hate myself, I know it's probably why I have shit relationships. But I just can't change no matter how much I try.

I feel so hopeless.

Sorry that you're going through this op.

It might be wise to stay single for the time being. Something that will also help is learning the signs of how to spot abusers early on so that you don't get involved with them.

I don't think anyone can tell another person how to find peace within themselves as that's a very personal journey.

But try not to be so hard on yourself. Eat well, exercise plenty, find some hobbies to enjoy and maybe get yourself a pet to cuddle. Focus on taking care of you.

One thing that might also help as an exercise is, every day, look in the mirror and compliment yourself on something. I'd doesn't have to be physical. Or even just smile and say 'we're going to have a fun day today!'. Smiling actually tends to encourage more Smiling.

Be good to yourself more and in time you will be more repulsed by those who are not nice to you. And less likely to give the time of day.

Also, bit random but, you could maybe look to adopt a a faith. People who believe in something, tend to feel less alone as they have something to turn to when life gets extra tough.

And maybe you weren't 'meant to be here' but I think that makes you a miracle, not a mistake.

I'm sorry you had such an awful upbringing and your dad has been so emotionally abusive towards you.

someone I bent over backwards to be nice to. This jumped out at me. Don't do that, have good strong boundaries, you shouldn't need to bend and twist yourself into a pretzel for some bloke/to keep a relationship.