Is it the football or me??

[FootieWidow36]

NC because I think I’m being pathetic.
DH has a football season ticket and attends all the matches with his 2 brothers. It costs £350+ each year and we struggle to afford it.

DH drives to every match, it’s about 30 mins away. His one brother needs a walking aid and due to the location of the ground, limited parking facilities and his brothers walking sped they have to leave really early.

They leave at 9.30am for a 12 kickoff and he doesn’t get home until 5pm as they have to wait for the crowd to disperse and his brother to get back to his car. (His other brother only attends a few games a year as his work often clashes with fixtures and he lives locally so can walk to the ground).

Over the years I’ve expressed my annoyance at the cost but still helped pay for the ticket. However, we now have a DS who is 3. Now not only is the cost starting to feel like a bigger burden, but the fact that just going to the match takes 7ish hours and I’m fed up.

Next week on my non working day he’s working 9-6, going straight to the football when he’s finished for a 8pm match and will be home by 11ish. Then another one on Saturday and will be gone more or less 9-5. So DS will spend the entire days asking for DH and getting upset while I try to distract him.

Am I being unreasonable in being fed up and annoyed? It’s the only activity DH does so I feel bad about complaining. DH’s answer is for me to do something social around my hobbies. I joined a club on Saturdays but DH works or has football that clashed with a few of them so I didn’t get to go to many, then COVID hit and they’ve been cancelled since. (They were free, just a place to chat.) It’s impossible to find any club that I can do locally to fit around his schedule and childcare.

Apologies for the long post but I need impartial ears!

Let him carry on.
It's more than football.
It's friendship, a release from life, time to catch up with mates, great for mental health etc etc
Insisting he gives up will not mean he suddenly wants to play happy families.
Just insist that eg Sunday's are family days.

Get him to take DS too.. he can sit on his knee!!

I agree with pp - when the kids were younger it was annoying however as they got a bit bigger there was kids for a quid etc (he took them by himself) and now they are bigger still we all go together! As long as you get to do stuff you want as well i think its fine

Find something you can do during the week in the evenings. It’s unfortunately something he will never put above you or your child. You will have to accept you will be the bottom of the list. I have personally never dated a football fan as saw so many of my friends struggle with your situation. Find hobbies and friends for yourself or you may need to re-evaluate if you are happy coming below a football game for the rest of your relationship.

Oh @litterbird how ridiculous! Going to footie doesn't mean he puts it above his family

How did you weed out all the sports fans?

@FuckyNel but he is that’s why the OP feels this way, she is bending her life out of proportion to accommodate the football rather than family time and trying to accommodate the cost….look at her MN name @FootyWidow36. It’s important to acknowledge how the OP feels and she feels she is being put below her needs as a family unit. It’s not ridiculous it’s seeing it as it is and allowing the OP to look at her life as it is now and how to build her life up for herself rather than being dictated to.

You will have to accept you will be the bottom of the list

Er, why?

It is usually a difficult adjustment for both parents when a child comes along, especially if one can socialize or do a regular hobby when the other can't. I agree with unknown story that there are a lot of benefits around DH going to the match. However these benefits are equally important to the op so I don't agree with him carrying on with the matches every time if this severely limits the op's own options. He will simply take it for granted that his needs trump hers everytime. There are 2 parents here and it seems that all of the adjustments regarding having a young child are being made by one of them.

I would find something to do myself op, even if it's just a bit of shopping in town. Arrange the odd lunch out with a friend or go yourself if Need be. You will enjoy the break and your DH will have more understanding of what it's like to he constantly alone with a child at the toddler stage. Don't worry if your arrangements sometimes clash with his. His season ticket doesn't mean he always has to be available for every match. Don't be deliberately awkward about it, but if, for example, your friend can only see you on the match day occasionally or you can only get tickets for something you want to do on that day, it's only fair that your rare occasion should trump his every week expectation. He may be able to sell his seat ticket that week or give it as a gift to someone else. Maybe a friend of his brothers. In any event be clear that you can go out too if necessary on those days. Of course it is better if you have a different day but women often find it hard to pencil something in because invariably their men's hobbies ext come first.
Ask yourself what your needs are and value yourself enough to ensure that one way or another some of your needs are being met. Good luck

I'm struggling to understand why it needs to take so many hours out of his day. He arrives in the town at 10am for a noon kickoff. So his brother who has a walking disability has to walk for 2 hours? Don't the club have disabled parking provision? That would presumably cut down his time out by a couple of hours at least.

Does he only go to home matches? So once a fortnight on a Saturday and then an evening once a fortnight?

It's wrong to begrudge anyone having a hobby (and it sounds like he would encourage you to have one) - it is unfortunate that his takes him out for so long when he goes, especially when you have a little one.

I think I could put up with this if a) he pulled his weight around the house and with childcare generally (ie so I wasn't being cinderella while he was always enjoying hobbies) and b) I got time to do my thing while he was looking after DC, and c) there was still enough family time.

@unknownstory

Let him carry on. It's more than football. It's friendship, a release from life, time to catch up with mates, great for mental health etc etc Insisting he gives up will not mean he suddenly wants to play happy families. Just insist that eg Sunday's are family days.

So OPs mental health doesn’t matter? The fact that she’s unable to do the same thing, doesn’t matter? The fact that every time he goes, he’s dictating that OP will be caring for their joint child all day and therefore deciding how her time is spent, doesn’t matter? Money stress, doesn’t matter? The child missing spending time with their dad, doesn’t matter?

Wow, to be born a man….

I don't think he is being unreasonable particularly but I think you need to ensure that you are getting an equal amount of leisure time too.
As pp have said it won't be long until ds can go with them.

It's less than a pound a day, & he's not being unreasonable in that he's happy for you to do something solo too (quite rightly) so I say let him carry on but see if they can go a bit later...

@unknownstory

Let him carry on. It's more than football. It's friendship, a release from life, time to catch up with mates, great for mental health etc etc Insisting he gives up will not mean he suddenly wants to play happy families. Just insist that eg Sunday's are family days.

Agree.

Especially as it's his only activity, and he may take DS when he's older, good for bonding with father and uncles.

@FuckyNel

Oh *@litterbird* how ridiculous! Going to footie doesn't mean he puts it above his family

How did you weed out all the sports fans?

Actually it does . I have been with a football fan for ten years and he never ever puts us / his family before it. Football will always come first . Iv been tempted to leave over it too .

Forgot to mention he's gone again today so he left an hour ago and he won't be back until 1am ! That's a whole weekend gone because he goes to end early Friday gone all day sat and Sunday he's just dead

@gotalovemesomeseahshells

Forgot to mention he's gone again today so he left an hour ago and he won't be back until 1am ! That's a whole weekend gone because he goes to end early Friday gone all day sat and Sunday he's just dead

This sounds miserable 😞

What a selfish shit parent and dad to see you as so disconnected from his free time.

You could meet someone who wants to spend quality time with you, who balances their free time between you, family and friends.

Don't waste your life with someone who makes you feel that you, their life partner and mother of their kids, comes second at all times to a fucking football team.

There's such deep rooted misogyny in frequently essentially taking a whole weekend off family life, simply assuming you'll sort out said family in their absence because as the one with a vagina you're the default parent with ultimate responsibility.

It's so horrible

I have a season ticket for rugby, my new boyfriend knew it when he got together with me.
I go for weekends away, 16 home matches and cup finals etc.
I will not be adjusting my hobbies if he decides I'm not available enough, this is (as PP Said) my hobby, my social life and memories with people I love.
If he stopped you pursuing your own hobbies and family life then he would be unreasonable, this sounds like a family thing to me though. It'll breed resentment if you stop it in all likelihood.
Get yourself a weekday or Sunday hobby, get out and enjoy yourself too.

@Ducksareruiningmypatio

I have a season ticket for rugby, my new boyfriend knew it when he got together with me. I go for weekends away, 16 home matches and cup finals etc. I will not be adjusting my hobbies if he decides I'm not available enough, this is (as PP Said) my hobby, my social life and memories with people I love. If he stopped you pursuing your own hobbies and family life then he would be unreasonable, this sounds like a family thing to me though. It'll breed resentment if you stop it in all likelihood. Get yourself a weekday or Sunday hobby, get out and enjoy yourself too.

She's tried. She's having to fit around his hobby schedule. It's as if he gets default dibs for life and she gets whatever time suits him for her to do something for herself, no flexibility.

I joined a club on Saturdays but DH works or has football that clashed with a few of them so I didn’t get to go to many, then COVID hit and they’ve been cancelled since. (They were free, just a place to chat.) It’s impossible to find any club that I can do locally to fit around his schedule and childcare.

He's unilaterally dictating how her time is spent. It's shit and both partners social lives should equally adapt when a baby arrives, not just the mum's life, whether one partner is really into a sport or not.

Jesus at all the football apologists on here.

The OP's husband is taking the absolute piss. They have a child together FFS. Priorities should change. And if the OP did magically manage to find a hobby that aligned with his (and read the OP - she has tried and failed), what about time together as a family?

Thanks for the replies.

To clarify he works shifts in the week on a rotating basis so he can finish anywhere between 4 and 6.30 on any given weekday and half days on Saturdays 2weeks out of 10. I’ve looked into classes associated with my hobbies but they tend to be set times, once a week so I would be paying for 10 weeks but likely missing at least 2/3 just due to his work pattern let alone the football. The only days he is always free is a Sunday. Not many classes on Sundays and that’s the only day we can all spend together. As @cheeseismydownfall said, I want family time too.

He didn’t attend football matches regularly when we met, he went to one or two but that was it. The season ticket came after we’d been together a few years and were living together.

@layladomino I’ve asked about blue badge parking etc. Apparently there are only a few of those spaces, they cannot be reserved and are on a first come, first served basis so they’d have to be there just as early to get one. They go so early so he can get street parking before the roads are coned off. Parking is such a problem his friend rents a local homeowners driveway on match days. It takes them a long time to get home as his brother likes to wait for the crowds to clear a bit so he can get out without holding up the crowds or getting knocked.

My only solo time is the 2 and a half hours DS is at nursery once a week on my day off. As most people probably end up doing, it’s spent cleaning.

I’ve never begrudged him going to do something fun, I helped him (and his brothers!) pay for their tickets on more than one occasion. Pre-COVID, he’d go to the cinema with his mates, escape rooms etc. I think he forgets that the last time I went to the hairdresser to have a colour done he called asking where I was as I’d ’been gone ages’

My DH did this pre DC but once we had dc he realised as fter a few months it was grossly unfair on me -hed be out all week and leave me all Saturday again to deal with everything and often take the car. He dropped his season ticket with the assumption that he will at some point get one again but he will wait until he can take DC.

No we do family things every weekend and the DC go to lots of clubs too. It feels far fairer.

I also eventually got him to drop sky sports! Not having old men wittering away in my living room all day about sport is a revelation!

So when the other brother doesn’t go, he can take DS can’t he?
Then you can do your hobbies on those days.
That seems fair.
I agree it’s a bit shit he’s going to games so often, leaving you with basically zero you time. He needs to compromise a bit. Taking DS with him on occasion would be a good start.
Good luck.

@Santastuckincustoms

How did you manage to get him to drop sky sports? I need to know the secret to this one!