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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've left him....was he abusing me? I'm so confused

15 replies

iveleft40 · 29/10/2021 20:54

I've left my husband of almost 6 years.

My mind is that messed up that I can't figure out if he is an abuser. Deep down I know he is.

He's a gambling addict thought won't admit he has a problem.

He's shouted at me for things that wouldn't normally be a thing.

In the early days, my dc every now and then would say or do something that would really irritate him. And he wouldn't speak to me for days because I didn't punish them for it. It was never anything that needed a punishment and I don't agree with punishing children.

My mental health has been at an all time low. I called him yesterday crying to tell him how I felt. He said he was annoyed I had called him at work. He couldn't be there for me. He couldn't be doing with it and he wasn't the person to talk too. He lost a parent to suicide (a huge part of why he is like his is but refuses therapy) and this is his reason for being annoyed at me.

I don't work. Im a carer for my eldest dc. All he does is tells me he goes to work. He leaves the house at 7.10 and doesn't get back until 5.30. He does nothing to help me around the house which I don't expect as I'm at home but even things like taking his plate away. Everything is done by me.

He doesn't show me any love or affection. He asks me to rub his feet which I do. I ask him to rub my back....he won't. He's been at work all day and he's tired. He works in construction and yes it's a demanding and stressful job. He brings the money in. I don't expect what I get as a carer.

I'll probably fall asleep now - im so tired I haven't slept for days and I realise im projecting but just wanted to start a thread before I go to bed.

Im at my mums now. I've left. I hated the atmosphere at home. I hated him snapping at me. I hated that we have to watch football every single night. So I would go to bed and he would moan at me.

I felt so worthless even though I do everything.

I'll explain more tomorrow when im more with it x

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 29/10/2021 20:56

I think you've done the right thing. He sounds awful

iveleft40 · 29/10/2021 21:07

He made me cry days after I had a c section saying I shouldn't be in moaning about pain. He has arthritis and he has to deal with that all his life so I had no right to complain I was in pain - he did apologise for saying that after.

Recently I had been so 'off' with me. He accused me of messaging someone else. I haven't and wouldn't. I convinced him I hadn't but wasn't happy with being accused of cheating. He wanted sex. I said no. He flew off the handle again and told me I yet again I was messaging someone else and then said he was too!!

I was then met with apologies that he wasn't doing anything and he just said it out of anger. From that moment he promised he would change.

Nothing has changed.

I'm at my mums sharing a double bed with 2 out of 3 children. I've left everything but know I've done the right thing.

OP posts:
iveleft40 · 29/10/2021 21:13

He would constantly say he would stop gambling but he can't. It's never left us in financial trouble and we've managed to save money but he's wasted thousands on gambling. About 8-10k a year when I worked it out. He tells me the wins he gets make up for it.

He has a son from previous who I've done so much child care for. He's a complete Disney dad to his son. He gets everything he wants. He is never told off and isn't that nice to my dcs. I have 2 from a previous relationship and 1 dc with him.

Sorry this is so rambled. I haven't slept for days

OP posts:
pointythings · 29/10/2021 22:08

Oh sweetheart.

You've done so well.

Don't go back. Take the weekend to rest and be with your DC. Then on Monday start the process of divorcing him. Claim benefits, contact the CMS, start looking into housing for you and your DC.

This is the first day of the rest of your life. Once you are truly rid of this man, you will find your mental health improving massively. Congratulations on escaping.

iveleft40 · 30/10/2021 07:57

@pointythings

Oh sweetheart.

You've done so well.

Don't go back. Take the weekend to rest and be with your DC. Then on Monday start the process of divorcing him. Claim benefits, contact the CMS, start looking into housing for you and your DC.

This is the first day of the rest of your life. Once you are truly rid of this man, you will find your mental health improving massively. Congratulations on escaping.

Thank you. I'm doing better than I thought i would. I've left so many times before. Posted on here so many times before but I always went back. This time I know I won't. It's different this time.

My problem is I hate upsetting people. Even if they upset me over and over. So I always kept going back as it was what he wanted.

I always felt sorry for him as he has a horrendous childhood and some traumatic things happen in his adult life too but he refuses to get help and I finally give in trying.

He just drags me down with him

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 30/10/2021 07:59

His gambling addiction by itself is reason enough to leave him. He will just drag the whole family down with him if you allow it.

You are strong and brave and you did the right thing.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 30/10/2021 08:04

What a miserable life op , the only way is up now! Yes he sounds like he's had a sad life but its not your job to fix him , his way of dealing with it seems to be using you as an emotional punch bag , and that's not right .
Regardless of what kind of person you are ,.nor wanting to upset people etc , that really doesn't matter. What matters are your children and taking them out of this toxic atmosphere- hold onto that an diet that be your strength.
I also left an emotionally abusive and manipulative man , and after years of being worn down he would get inside my head. Always , I'd think of ds and doing the best thing by him , it always kept me strong.
My advice one step at a time.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 30/10/2021 08:05

Let not diet ! Autocorrect!

Weenurse · 30/10/2021 08:05

Well done 💐

GoodnightGrandma · 30/10/2021 08:06

You need to move on for you and your children. Go get a better life, as life is short 💐

iveleft40 · 30/10/2021 09:52

Thank you all. I need these positive words.

I keep going back and forth as to if I'm the problem. I know I'm not.

I keep thinking I should of been tougher and stood up to him more. I've always been the same, always let people walk all over me.

He hasn't got my best interests at heart. He never has.

I'm also struggling with the fact that it wasn't always like this. He wasn't always horrible. He can be loving and caring and affectionate.

You expect an abuser to be constantly abusing but when they have a nice side too, it's even more confusing

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/10/2021 10:00

You expect an abuser to be constantly abusing but when they have a nice side too, it's even more confusing

Think of it this way (I've seen this analogy used on MN): Imagine you have a delicious sandwich with all your favourite fillings. How much literal shit would you tolerate in it?

That's right. None. Same with relationships. All relationships have ups and down, but abuse should be zero tolerance at all times.

iveleft40 · 30/10/2021 11:26

@pointythings

You expect an abuser to be constantly abusing but when they have a nice side too, it's even more confusing

Think of it this way (I've seen this analogy used on MN): Imagine you have a delicious sandwich with all your favourite fillings. How much literal shit would you tolerate in it?

That's right. None. Same with relationships. All relationships have ups and down, but abuse should be zero tolerance at all times.

Yes very true. It's horrible what they can do to our minds.

I start counselling (which thankfully my mum is paying for) next week. It's so needed

OP posts:
BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 30/10/2021 11:42

You can leave a relationship for any reason you choose and you don't have to justify it.

I think the fact that you are at the point you are and where you are, tells you all you need to know at this time.

You can unpick the rest in the coming weeks through therapy.

Give yourself a pat on the back that you've acknowledged that you deserve more.

iveleft40 · 30/10/2021 11:53

@BirdyBirdyTweetTweet

You can leave a relationship for any reason you choose and you don't have to justify it.

I think the fact that you are at the point you are and where you are, tells you all you need to know at this time.

You can unpick the rest in the coming weeks through therapy.

Give yourself a pat on the back that you've acknowledged that you deserve more.

Thank you. It's just a scary process but I will be ok.

I just have to think about all the times I was shouted at when there was never really any reason to shout at me. It's just all horrible

OP posts:
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