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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why this feels so weird

54 replies

Favouriteblue · 29/10/2021 19:56

NC for this.

I have been with DP nearly 1.5 years. Still live separately. The first year was amazing, I was treated well and was happy but the longer I am in it, the worse it gets. But maybe I'm too demanding, maybe it is me who is looking at things form the wrong perspective? I don't know what I want from this thread. I'm at crossroad and don't know where to go. There is so many negative things coming out recently and I'm so anxious about it all.

He doesn't have any friends, says he doesn't need people in his life
Fell out with his parents years ago, I still don't know what happened as he doesn't want to talk about it
There are times when he asks me something and stops me half way through saying cool I know what you wanted to say move on to another point or would say he doesn't care when I want to tell him something
When I come to his he wouldn't come to say hi, give me a kiss and when I ask why doesn't he do that he tells me to stop looking for problems
He tells me to tell him when he does something wrong because he might not realise. All fine but when I do that he moans that I make a big deal out of nothing. When I feel he said something disrespectful I tell him and then he replies that I should appreciate what I have and that I'm looking for a perfect man. He calls me Little Ms Perfect what I do that.

He doesn't take me out for dates any more. I don't remember last time when we were out on our own. I have asked but got ignored.
He has 10yo DD and takes her out for dinners whenever she wants. If I join them he considers it to be a date. It isn't.
We go for trips every weekend with his DD (he has her every Sunday and every second Saturday). When I say I would want to go somewhere just with him he is always tired and says I should know he is busy and tired. I know he is busy but do I not deserve anything nice?

Sex used to be amazing but it is not any more, it is now all about him and if I say anything he replies that I should appreciate what I have and stop looking for problems, that it is normal that sex changes. He asks me to go down on him which I (used to) do, but when I ask him to do it, he is always tired or not in a mood. I was trying to be understanding and kind of accepted that despite being upset. He has done it again a few days ago. I've told him it isn't fair and it feels like I put much more in sex than he does and I'm upset because it doesn't get reciprocated. He got offended and told me it is my fault because I haven't told him earlier that I was upset about it. He said he couldn't remember when he said he wasn't going to do it for me. The conversation was just awful. I cried, felt accused and felt like whatever I said wasn't good enough for him, like it was my fault. I feel drained, I feel like we were talking about two different situations, I don't understand him being angry. He never said he didn't mean to, he never said he is sorry. He said he doesn't remember and it is my fault and I should've said something sooner. Maybe I should but I felt humiliated.
He doesn't talk to me now. I feel like I shouldn't have told him anything.

We did have a few arguments and every single time these conversations look this way. No matter what I say is wrong, he always finds a way to misinterpret what I have said and twist situations, he tells me I have said something I haven't. I feel like I'm loosing a plot, like I don't know who I am. I keep forgetting things as if my brain was in some sort of fog. When we don't argue he is lovely, caring, we both have a similar lifestyle and just get on with it together.

I feel I'm not emotionally safe any more, I cry when we argue, I hate these weird conversations, they leave me drained. I have friends, lovely family and never have problems with talking to them, there is never a problem with them understanding what I'm saying.

I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I want just to get out of this relationship but then we still have a good times and I love him and miss him. I don't know how to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Favouriteblue · 29/10/2021 21:00

@Dery you can rean my mind, everything what I haven't typed, the way I feel you're spot on.

Thank you everyone.

I couldn't understand why he wants me to tell him when he is doing something wrong and then tells me I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It was never a big deal, it was always polite and gentle.

I have re-read my first post and if someone else had written it, I would say just move on and leave him behind. It is not so easy to see it all yourself in you are in the middle and someone tells you 'yeah our relationship is brilliant, I look after you, I love you, I do my best to keep you happy ' but you feel so confused, conflicted, sad and unhappy.

OP posts:
rumred · 29/10/2021 21:06

He's not walking the talk. Words mean jackshit without actions

dontblamemee · 29/10/2021 21:09

Couldn't read the whole post. He's a dick. Move on.

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/10/2021 21:12

He's setting traps for you by saying you should bring up anything he does wrong. He can then belittle and dismiss you, leaving you confused and wondering if it's you causing the problem. That way you learn not to bring up any issues about his behaviour, but he can claim to be open and trying to make things work. He gets to seem the good sensitive guy who is willing to work on himself and you're the bad one creating unecessary discord.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 29/10/2021 21:20

If someone has no friends and no family whom they have a relationship with, you have to ask why.

Even assuming he was nice to you, which he isn’t, is that the life you want? Sooner or later, he will stop you seeing your friends and family and it will be ‘us against the World’.

Move on sooner rather than later.

KintsugiForever · 29/10/2021 21:24

This was painful to read, I really feel for you. It's just going to get worse from now on. You're in love with the man he was at the start possibly, or who he portrayed himself to be to create the strong connection. Who he's showing now is the real him.
Your confusion is completely natural because he's messing with you and you're twisting yourself into a pretzel to get the 'old' him back. Please give yourself peace and leave the relationship before he causes any more damage.

LadyLolaRuben · 29/10/2021 21:26

OMG OP my blood ran cold reading this. The man is abusing you. If you continue with this relationship the brain fog will get worse due to the prolonged abuse. You will start feeling worse and the abuse will increase as he can get away with it more because your less able to defend yourself. Get out of this situation and take care x

category12 · 29/10/2021 21:29

The first year was an effort for him.

Now he's stopped making any effort.

Be glad you found out what he's like before your lives were more deeply entwined - and leg it!

Bellyups · 29/10/2021 21:31

Come on OP. You must know this isn’t right????

litterbird · 29/10/2021 21:35

OP, listen carefully, you need to exit this relationship very very quickly. You are in the verge of being sucked into an abusive relationship. You know it’s wrong, your body and mind are screaming at you. Finish it as soon as possible and move on. It will be hard as he wants you just as you are, no effort needed as you seem to accept all the crap he gives to you. Just get out.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 29/10/2021 21:50

Fuck it, he sounds awful. Dump him.

Pinkbonbon · 29/10/2021 22:09

Ick. Fuckity bye to him. Asap. He's a prick.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/10/2021 23:15

OP. You aren't happy with him.

It's that simple I'm afraid.

Only a year or so gone though I know it's still shit at the time.

Don't waste more time, end it because you aren't happy. That's reason enough, always.

Themadcatparade · 29/10/2021 23:16

Being confused, brain fog, feeling desperately frustrated like you are going around in circles - all signs you are a victim in the hands of an abuser. I've been there. You can't see it until you get out of that situation.

You will never win OP. Not unless you get yourself out of there. That's the way you win.

Salayes · 29/10/2021 23:18

Dery’s post is excellent. I’d just add that cognitive dissonance can cause the feeling of anxiety and brain fog you describe. Because his actions and your feelings are showing one thing loud and clear (it’s him, not you, and he’s treating you like shit) but he’s convincing you with words (or trying to) that your experience is not valid, not happening, or wrong - and if he did do anything wrong it’s your fault. It’s an extreme headfuck which is why you feel tired and confused.

He’s not a good man and he isn’t being loving. Please leave him. Flowers

daysatthecircus · 30/10/2021 09:50

@Dery is spot on. This is classic of abuse, especially the brain fog and wondering if it’s you. It isn’t you. Someone gave me the advice to think of the child you once were— would you want her to feel like this? You have a duty of care towards her (you!)

layladomino · 30/10/2021 10:15

he says he loves me and he is trying his best for us to have an amazing relationship. He really thinks our relationship is amazing and he keeps saying there is nothing he could complain about

Well it might be amazing to him as he has everything his own way. He rules the roost. He tells you how things are going to be, and if you tell him what you want he accuses you of being unreasonable, spoiling things, not understanding....

Forget for a minute the nice things he says (those are only words, and very easily said). Look at his actions. Do they back up his words? Do you feel loved? cherished? looked after? important to him?

I think not, as his every action (and some of his words) tells you that your feelings and needs are not at all important to him. Whether it's having a night out, when you're having sex, trying to discuss an important issue with him, he repeatedly tells you - and shows you - that he simply doesn't care.

He wants everything his way. He doesn't value you or your feelings. He is happy to manipulate and coerce you in to never questionning him, doing everything his way. He is gaslighting you.

You know that you are a decent person. A good communicator. Reasonable. You can see that in all your other relationships. He is 100% the problem here. And he won't get better. He will likely get much worse.

He is showing you who he is. Expect much more of the same if you stick around. And you will slowly lose sight of who you are. You'll stop disagreeing with him as it isn't worth it. You'll stop calling him out on bad behaviour because he gives you too much grief (or sulks). You'll stop expecting a good sex life because you'll know he's only out for his own selfish needs. It is a recipe to a miserable life.

Please leave now. Please get away from this abusive man. You will find a much happier life beyond.

Goawayangryman · 30/10/2021 10:19

He sounds very narcissistic and actually quite dangerous. No friends and severed family ties is a huge red flag.

Bortles · 30/10/2021 10:21

Only addressing one issue and not looking at the whole thing OP, as my answer would be much the same as pps. But the communication thing - people who argue like that, gas-lighty, unempathetic, scared-to-be-the-bad-guy style - it helps to write your thoughts down Give them a letter to read with fucking bullet points. If every point is addressed with 'I don't remember/this didn't happen' they'll start to see how stupid they sound and you won't get confused or mislead in the conversation.

Mischance · 30/10/2021 10:22

Ditch him. Life is too short to waste.

PinkSyCo · 30/10/2021 10:31

Good God OP you should still be on your honeymoon period 18 months into a relationship, especially as you don’t share the drudgery of living together You sound lovely, but it seems to me that he is just keeping you around for the sake of having someone there when he can be bothered with you, but doesn’t actually care about you at all. Get rid of this rude, emotionally abusive man now before he chips all your confidence away.

Time40 · 30/10/2021 11:22

I agree with pps - he does actually sound potentially dangerous. When you dump him, do it by text, or tell him in a public place, OP, just in case he turns violent.

Original poster
Favouriteblue · 30/10/2021 13:39

Thank you everyone. I find it really helpful to write down it all. When I start to convince myself it isn't actually that bad I go back there and have it all black and white. There is more to it. I downloaded diary and written it all there last night so when I have a wobble I can read it all again

OP posts:
Amdone123 · 30/10/2021 13:52

@Dery - post is excellent. If you have any wobbles op when it comes to ending it, reread that post 👏

CactusLemonSpice · 30/10/2021 14:00

You don't feel emotionally safe. This relationship is not right for you. You deserve to feel safe and respected. That is the baseline for any decent relationship.

I think his behaviour is a bit gas lighting to be honest, telling you he doesn't know when he does something hurtful and you have to tell him, then he gets annoyed as if you are making a problem. That isn't okay and will undermine your confidence.