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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do men only want me when they can't have me?

17 replies

HerRoyalWitchyness · 29/10/2021 19:39

My ex abused me for 12 years. We split almost 2 years ago and recently he's begun making comments to me again about how he misses me and he still masturbates over the thought of me Hmm

Since then I was with another guy for a few months until he said he wanted kids. I cant have anymore so that ended that. But now he's sending me dick pics.

And then there's guy number 3 who when I'm in a relationship will send me dick pics Hmm and beg to be with me but isn't interested when I'm actually single.

.I dont think I'm ugly but I'm also no supermodel.
What is it about me that makes them think they can play me like this? I've told all 3 of them to do one I'm not interested, but it doesn't seem to stop them. I've now blocked those I can but the 1st one is dad to my 3 kids. I've already blocked him on Facebook, Instagram and twitter. He only has my number.

What can I do to avoid this conundrum in future? I would like to find someone else eventually but I want someone to actually want to be with me, not someone who just likes the idea of me

OP posts:
ExcitedtoTry · 29/10/2021 19:43

They think they can get a quick shag.

Block them all and move on.

Original poster
HerRoyalWitchyness · 29/10/2021 19:49

@ExcitedtoTry I have blocked those I can. I am just wondering what about me gives off the vibe that I'm down for a quick shag? I want to change that because I'm absolutely not.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 29/10/2021 19:54

You. need to be more careful who you hook up with. Tbh, I have never, EVER had this to put up with! All this dick pick nonsense. I think you need a longer period of interviewing them first before you let them into your bed.

Pinkbonbon · 29/10/2021 20:17

Umm, report report to the police. Unsolicited dick pics are a crime. As are unwanted comments about masterbating over you.

What you are talking about are not men hindering after you when they can't have you, they are creepy perverts who seem to think you are a soft touch.

bluejoeythesailor · 29/10/2021 20:17

@Dillydollydingdong

You. need to be more careful who you hook up with. Tbh, I have never, EVER had this to put up with! All this dick pick nonsense. I think you need a longer period of interviewing them first before you let them into your bed.
@Dillydollydingdong

But even then, and despite rigorous vetting out cannot guarantee what the other person will do. A lot of men might see this as a challenge - a friend of mine due to religious reasons waited to have sex with a man for over 6 months: finally when they DTD the next morning he pulled up his trousers and went home.

Pinkbonbon · 29/10/2021 20:19

Also, I the case of your abusive ex-abusers only want things until they get them, then they arent happy with them anymore and make bloody sure you know it so that you feel 'not enough'.

Original poster
HerRoyalWitchyness · 29/10/2021 20:53

You. need to be more careful who you hook up with. Tbh
I think you need a longer period of interviewing them first before you let them into your bed.

I've only had sex with one of these men, the father of my children. One I was dating but never had sex with and the other I've never even dated.

OP posts:
Pegsonstrings · 29/10/2021 21:32

Because some guys love the chase, and if they text late at night, middle of the night, or just checking on you after weeks of silence, you need to not respond as they are really bad news. No decent guy will text you late at night or neglect you if they really like you.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/10/2021 22:42

What is it about me that makes them think they can play me like this?

There probably isn't anything about you.

Lots of men behave like that.

There are lots of sleazy, chancers out there.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/10/2021 22:44

Since then I was with another guy for a few months until he said he wanted kids. I cant have anymore so that ended that. But now he's sending me dick pics.

To be pernickety, that isn't him wanting you when when can't have you. He decided he didn't want a (serious) relationship with you because of the kids issue; but he's chancing his arm for a shag/nude pics/mutual masturbation/whatever.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/10/2021 22:47

My ex abused me for 12 years. We split almost 2 years ago and recently he's begun making comments to me again about how he misses me

Must be having a slow time with other women; so he's revisiting old stomping grounds..... if he had plenty of opportunities I doubt he'd be trying to draw you into reminiscing etc about your past relationship abd sex life.

On any case, once an abuser; always an abuser. Which may he one reason he's not in a steady fulfilling relationship.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/10/2021 22:49

he still masturbates over the thought of me hmm

Classy.

Tell him you're exactly the same; except in your masturbation fantasy he looks like Cillian Murphy/Tom Hardy/Jason Momoa.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 29/10/2021 22:50

I don't think you have to be giving off 'quick shag' vibes. They just try everywhere and hope they get some. They're so 'entitled'.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/10/2021 22:51

And then there's guy number 3 who when I'm in a relationship will send me dick pics hmm and beg to be with me but isn't interested when I'm actually single.

Whk knows what his deal is, bit the fact that he sends unsolicited dick pics to a woman ge has not even been involved with, says a lot about him.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/10/2021 22:52

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

I don't think you have to be giving off 'quick shag' vibes. They just try everywhere and hope they get some. They're so 'entitled'.
Yep, the scatter gun, chance my arm approach.
category12 · 29/10/2021 23:04

With your ex, can you put the phone down if he makes that kind of comment, or shut the door in his face?

It's sexual harrassment.

B1rdflyinghigh · 29/10/2021 23:05

I've had this issue too. I've not had too many relationships in 5 years, but the ones that I have had, who I've dumped, for their various disrespectful behaviours, have always come back. some even two years later!
One did it through my work e-mail. The general reason for doing this was because after chatting away to them, their goal was to have sex with me.
Some men aren't nice. I dont think you can avoid it. Call them out on it.

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