Online Dating Dilemma

[itsnotyouitsmeagain]

I have been using online dating off and on for quite some time. This is my pattern - I go on dates, finally meet someone I like, they seem keen and then lose interest after a short time and then I'm dumped or ghosted.

Is this just me?

I'm not stunning but I can look OK for my age, I'm a nice person and can be funny (as in ha ha). I don't wear really sexy clothes but wear heels and don't look frumpy.

I don't chase men. Contact by messaging is usually equal and they do the first asking out.

It's making me think I am unattractive or just not relationship material.

There will probably be suggestions to meet men through hobbies but I've only ever met a man once that I liked this way and he had a partner so that was no go.

I'm independent but would like a partner.

It's not just you, my thoughts are men are less likely to want to settle down into a relationship than women, play the field for as long as possible until they find someone that puts up with them.
I've had one marriage and which lasted 18 years and to be honest I just surrendered and let him control my life, either side of the marriage I've not been able to stay in a relationship long, the older and more independent Ive got, the less the men like it. I would like to find a long term relationship but I've made peace with it if I don't find the right compatible one then I'd rather be on my own.

I think if you accept that being dumped a handful of dates in isn’t really a personal rejection of you, it feels easier. You’re probably quite nice and good company. The men you’ve been on dates with probably, in the main, think you’re quite nice and good company - but that’s not what a relationship is built on and so they don’t want to string you along further. It doesn’t mean you’re unattractive or boring or not relationship material, just that you’re not the right relationship material for these particular individual men.

It’s obviously dispiriting the more it keeps happening (and ghosting is rude - but equally, doesn’t mean the person who does it finds you unattractive or awful, but is just too cowardly of awkward to come right out and say they don’t want to see you again) the reality is that 97% of the people in the world won’t be right for you and vice versa. You’re looking for the small percentage who will and often that takes time. It helps if you’re quite selective about who you pursue things with from the off - so rather than just chatting to somebody and accepting a date because they seem nice think about whether you have deeper things in common and whether you’re likely to be able to get beyond a couple of dates.

Unfortunately the rejection does dent my confidence. A few years ago I dated someone for a couple of months and got emotionally involved. There was someone else in the picture as there usually is.

I am more selective now about who I date because as I've got older I know the type of person I click with. If I don't fancy someone and they ask to see me again I politely let them down. Much better than ghosting.

It's a numbers game. Don't take it personally.

Be very clear about what you're looking for, and don't invest until you're sure.

Lots of people use dating apps because they're too lazy to go out and look in the real world, so there's more filtering to be done if you're looking seriously. There's always time wasters. Learn to spot the signs and move on.

It’s a bit of a numbers game unfortunately. It is easy to take it personally. I once was chatting to an amazing guy who was high up in pharmacology career wise, was politically astute and funny. We went in a date and I was like mush. At the end I asked if wanted to go on another date and he said he’d be enjoyed himself but only wanted to meet up again as friends! We never eat eyes on each other again and at the time it really dented my confidence. I took a little break and then met my h2b!

*Set eyes not eat eyes!

Unfortunately the rejection does dent my confidence

The bare fact is that most people are not compatible with most people. Not because there's anything wrong with them, but because they're too different.

If you can think of compatibility in the same way as trying to find someone who looks like you, you'll see how hard it is. It's just rare, and different people will see it in different ways. And there's nothing wrong with you if you don't look like the other person!