In June, I met a man on Tinder. We dated throughout the summer. There was a slight age gap (he is 27, I am 33). To me it wasn’t a problem but he brought it up a lot– ‘are you sure you don’t mind the age gap? Don’t you want a man who is more settled in a career? etc.’ At the time, I thought he was thinking of me because he was working long hours in hospitality and wasn’t where he wanted to be in life, whereas I am more settled. I assured him it wasn’t a problem.
He seemed unsure about being in a relationship, said he needed time. I was understanding of this because he said he’d been single 5 years and it was a big adjustment for him. Looking back, I should have just ended it but I liked him so much that I ignored the red flags. He was so attentive and lovely, always texting me sweet messages and taking me out for dinner. I was lonely and had been single for several years, so I enjoyed dating again.
We were intimate quite quickly and I spent nights at his place, where I met his housemates. As he worked long hours, we only met up once a week. In late August, he began to distance himself, not texting back for hours until eventually he disappeared. Stopped contacting me and didn’t respond to my last message. I half-expected it because there was something off about him – he never introduced me to his family or friends or added me as a friend on any social media accounts. I found out that he was still on Tinder, as a notification came through the last time I was at his house. At the time I wasn’t sure because I didn’t see it properly, but the notification icon was red and it didn’t look like a normal messaging app. I was really upset at how disposable he made me feel. He’d slept with me, I’d become emotionally involved and then he didn’t even have the courtesy to break it off properly.
I went back on the dating apps and have since started a relationship with another man, who I am very happy with. However, I was on Instagram this week when I saw the profile of the man I dated before on my recommended followers list. When I clicked on it, I was shocked.
It was obvious that he had lied to me from the start. There were photos of him with a woman who seems to be his long-term girlfriend. They went abroad together in September (he mentioned to me he had some time off and was going away with his male friends). They have been together since at least 2019. Her account has pictures and videos of them, she posts that she loves him, he’s her other half etc. Her friends write what a nice couple they are. She is 10 years younger than I am, so now his obsession over my age makes sense. I was just sex and an ego boost for him and it makes me feel awful. I am so angry with myself that I trusted someone who was such a blatant cheat and a liar. No wonder he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. He was already in one the whole time.
His girlfriend looks like she has a lot of money and travels a lot. I think she is some kind of influencer and isn’t in the country all the time, which is why this man is able to live a double life and date other women without her noticing. On Tinder, he was using a false name. He told me it was because he’d had a bad experience with a woman and she’d stalked him at his workplace so he was now wary about using his real personal information. Clearly it was because he was aware his girlfriend might find him on the app and he could lie and say someone had stolen his pictures and set up a fake account.
I don’t care about him anymore, I am happy in a new relationship but I am angry that someone can be so deceitful and get away with it. Part of me wants to message her from an anonymous account and tell her what he’s doing. If it was me, I would want to know if I was in a relationship with a man like this. I have texts and photos to prove it but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. There is every chance she wouldn’t believe me, blame me or that he would tell lies about me and she’d believe him.
I told my sister, who advised me to stay out of it because I’ve moved on. He’ll probably do it again and get found out eventually. But I hate the idea that he’s doing this to other women and to his girlfriend, putting their mental and sexual health at risk. It disgusts me but I don’t know what to do. Should I message her or just leave it?