Finding porn and discussion after...

[Nglhl328]

A few weeks ago as my partner was typing in the search bar and I noticed autofeed of xx .....
I said I'd seen it he just laughed and said he didn't know any men that didn't look at porn, I hadn't to worry nothing weird he looks at.
Move on a couple of weeks, I open his phone, (yes he gave me his code ages ago) and on the double square icon bottom right lots of live chat sites were there. Now I'm ok with watching videos but this is a boundary for me. So last night I said do you chat to girls he said he'd never ever he was so adamant. I asked him to show me what he looks at which he did, I then pressed the icon and they all came up. He denied ever looking at these sites and got very upset and angry, I asked to look at his history but it must clear each day there was nothing. We had a two hour row and it was horrible, he found on Google where it's possible to get pop ups that you are unaware of through visiting sites so this was his explanation. He was mortified. Now I don't own an iphone but wanted to know is this possible it's a game changer for me...could this have happened??

Sorry if I'm being thick, what do you mean by the icon? As in its an app, or is it an icon on a porn site?

Porn sites used to be notorious for loading popups for cam sites when you browser them. I've not used them for years though so I don't know if it's still the case.

Whenever you use a porn site you generally get an extra window come up with a 'cam girl' website so most likely just that and he has forgot to click exit on it

Yes, you go to a porn site and a load of popups can open in the background, usually cam girls or cam chat sites etc.

Could this be that and he IS telling the truth?

When he showed you what he looked at, would it be what you could consider "normal" ?

Yeah, loads of sites open a 'pop-under', so the video you select opens in a new window but the original page gets sent to a cam site. It looks like you navigated there from the history, even if you've got no interest in the silly things.

Porn sites do tend to have loads of pop ups and they will sometimes be "live chat" type things so as he's admitted to light porn use that's very plausible.
I'm not sure what you mean by this though I then pressed the icon and they all came up.

If he's got a separate app on his phone for live chats he's done that himself - possibly just out of curiosity but an app wouldn't appear without him choosing to do so.

@MephistophelesApprentice

Yeah, loads of sites open a 'pop-under', so the video you select opens in a new window but the original page gets sent to a cam site. It looks like you navigated there from the history, even if you've got no interest in the silly things.

I understand now - If it were me I wouldn't worry too much about it if this is what's happened.

I think the icon the OP is referring to is, on the iPhone on Safari, you have a tab bottom right that shows background pages, it looks like a couple of squares.

I (not anyone else) haven't looked at any porn sites on my phone and I get pop ups for local girls who want to chat. I have no idea why?

Exactly what bypassed said.
Pretty much: If you've opened an app to see those chats, then he's installed this and he's being dishonest.
How do you feel about what he does? Is it impacting your relationship/sex life? How does it make you feel? Because that matters. You matter.

Thanks that's really helpful.
Not an icon for a site no, just the bottom right one on safari.
Yes The site he showed looked ok not that I'm an expert!

I think the icon the OP is referring to is, on the iPhone on Safari, you have a tab bottom right that shows background pages, it looks like a couple of squares

Yes! This! What does it mean??

That icon is just to show you all the tabs that are open, on mine it’s all the pages I have opened and it is also all the pop ups.
Both are plausible here they could be pop ups or he could have gone on them.
I close all my tabs I want to say if he had loaded them then surely he would have closed them not left them there?
Sounds like they popped up while he was looking at porn and he didn’t know?
Only you know if you believe him and what you are willing to live with.

Yes porn sites are covered in chat messages and it's quite hard to avoid clicking on them by mistake. Done it many times but I've never actually chatted to anyone of course. And my spam email consists almost entirely of Russian girls, penis extensions etc etc. Do not jump to conclusions here, if you have his phone code that is pretty solid evidence that he has nothing to hide.

Thanks, you are all talking sense, I'm glad I cleared it with him or I would have been forever wondering. . The fact he was distraught makes me believe him.
And the facts point to them being pop unders.
Thanks again x

This is interesting after the recent porn thread.

Honestly wheather someone chooses to watch it or not it is their own business but to start being invasive and controlling about what others watch isn't on. Its better a person is open and free and admits rather than feeling like they need to hide it and lie as its not their partners preference.

I think it's only an issue if it's affecting your sex life.

@BunNcheese

This is interesting after the recent porn thread.

Honestly wheather someone chooses to watch it or not it is their own business but to start being invasive and controlling about what others watch isn't on. Its better a person is open and free and admits rather than feeling like they need to hide it and lie as its not their partners preference.

I think it's only an issue if it's affecting your sex life.

She's not trying to control what porn she watches. She thought he was talking to girls. That was her issue.

Absolutely bun..... Thanks x

@BunNcheese

This is interesting after the recent porn thread.

Honestly wheather someone chooses to watch it or not it is their own business but to start being invasive and controlling about what others watch isn't on. Its better a person is open and free and admits rather than feeling like they need to hide it and lie as its not their partners preference.

I think it's only an issue if it's affecting your sex life.

Yes OP wanted to know if he was talking to girls but IF a woman does not want to be with a man who supports an industry well known for having illegal and underage content, demeaning women and she doesn’t want it in her relationship , then she is well within her rights . It’s not controlling at all It’s up to porn users not to lie about their usage as so many do ) and allow women to make choices about they type of relationship they want, not trick them , lie , hide it and gaslight with ‘ all men do it ‘ Porn users who hide their porn use from partners who state very clearly they don’t want someone who uses it who’s are the controlling ones . Or men ( usually ) who say things like I assume she knows I use it ) If both parties are ok with it that’s between them, as it seems the op and her partner are It’s Not only a problem if it affects the sex love . It’s a problem if partners are not in agreement that it’s ok !

@Pinkbucket. That’s the closest anyone has ever posted to how I feel. My DH has totally lied to me about his use of this (virtually every day, multiple times a day if I’m away overnight ) — he doesn’t know I know though, I just asked if he watched it and how often in casual conversation— as it happens I am more annoyed by the lying than if he had been ‘occasionally’ watching - consequently he’s pretty much killed his sex life as far as I’m concerned — it’s like being married to someone who isn’t the same person I married in terms of truth/morality etc — I am not keen on sleazy men, would rather be on my own at my age— for me it killed sexual/romantic attraction , an odd bit occasionally I could have lived with but it’s way more than that. — so I am busy saving , as we don’t own a house etc.

@tarasmalatarocks

Yes I know exactly what you mean , been in the same boat myself
I’m not sure exactly what a woman can do to ensure she not lied to .
Regardless of whether porn is a dealbreaker for her or not it doesn’t seem to make much difference to a lot of men
They just feel entitled to lie and hide it.

OP I'd suggest you sit down with him and have a clear chat about your boundaries regarding porn use, what is acceptable to you and what is not. For example, regular standard porn use if you are okay with him tell him so but with live chat, camming, exchanging messages etc and other things if this is too far then let him know that's where you cross the line.

This way your standards are clearly set with him and he is aware. You won't be worrying too much then over what he is 'up to' and if he does go on chats or something then he can't blame it on you for not making it clear.

On the back end of what other posters are saying as well I think it can be quite standard to men to lie about their porn use, I think it's quite shameful for some to admit to. Porn is an extremely personal thing. I think a lot of people are ashamed of admitting what really turns them on. I used to work in the industry, a lot of people I spoke to openly admitted that they would never let their girlfriends or wives know they were using porn, particularly the type of porn they use and their fetishes because they didn't want to get rejected or ridiculed. It's much easier to admit it to an anonymous stranger. It's a shame really and it's sad that men can't do this and it causes all sorts of problems. I know I wouldn't want anyone looking up my search history and mine is very very very infrequent, but I'd be well embarrassed!

I do not agree with anything other than occasional porn use in a relationship and would not tolerate anything but honesty in mine. I think I would try to understand though if my own partner tried to hide his regular usage due to shame. He'd see his arse if he ever tired using chat or cam sites though. It sounds like your DP is quite comfortable with admitting that he uses porn especially if he's laughing about it he seems like he has sees it a normal thing to do. Fine if you are okay with it. I wouldn't worry too much about the other things, sounds very innocent with the pop ups.

@Pinkbucket to be honest your point isn't invalid. Your tone alone is very jumpy and hostile.

Can you see how someone may feel uncomfortable or shy to admit? They do watch it. The way some are making such a huge fuss I think I'd be embarrassed to say I watch on the odd occasion. Do not confused someone being some type of sex pest just because they watch porn now and again. There's a huge huge difference.

@BunNcheese
No not meaning to sound jumpy or hostile . If I do it’s most likely because of past experiences
Although I totally get that people might feel uncomfortable and I certainly wouldn’t ask to see someone’s history I just think the blantant lying I’ve experienced so often from men had made me incredibly frustrated
It’s when I’ve made it clear that it’s a deal breaker for me and they still lie that I have a huge issue with
I’m not interested in trying to change anyone not them trying to change me and that’s exactly why I’m upfront
I consider it incredibly deceptive when they lie . Technically people could feel uncomfortable about disclosing many things about themselves but if one knows that the other person absolutely wouldn’t want a relationship with you then it’s really just lying and controlling them into be with you under false pretences