I don't think he loves me anymore

[ProfPickles]

I've been living with my boyfriend for about 18 months now and things seem to have gradually got worse.

We were really close to begin with, I was extremely happy and he seemed to be too. I have mental health problems and it has made our relationship extremely difficult at times especially as a lot of it stems from sexual abuse and the way men have treat me throughout my life. So as you can imagine having a man living in my house can be very upsetting at times and sets me off even though it isn't really his fault.

The problem is I noticed he no longer said he loves me anymore. This was about January this year and he said he just isn't as affectionate as I am and that he does love me he just isn't like that. I knew he could be affectionate as he was fine in the start and I put it down to the new and exciting "honeymoon" phase of our relationship coming to an end.

Then every 2-3 months ish we seem to end up needing a talk. I always have to initiate it and it always seems to go the same way. I will say I've been unhappy and that I'm finding it hard having very few signs of affection from him and he will respond saying I'm always unhappy and that I make him feel unhappy. This then obviously makes me feel horrendous and we try talk through it and find a way to improve things.

My issue is, it always feels like everything is down to me. I'm the problem causing everyone to be unhappy and it's my job to fix it.

The latest talk has been that sex has dropped to less than a week now, and again it's been the same story of you're always miserable and it doesn't really get you in the mood etc.

I've told him I don't know why we bother anymore if I'm always so miserable why don't I be miserable by myself.

He just seems to want to carry on as normal and I feel lost. I desperately want things to go back to how they were when we were happy and when I felt close to him but I just don't see how they can when all he can ever say to me is that I'm miserable.

We had a day out with his sister and her husband the other week and it made me feel sad to see how they were holding hands and looking so comfortable together. At one point we got off a ride and my partner had rushed off without a second thought and his sisters husband was holding her hand helping her off the ride. It's just the little gestures like that that I want.

My partner did buy me a surprise gift the other week which shows he does think of me. It was a token gift but meant a lot. He isn't all bad as this post possibly sounds like. It feels a bit like I have really nice best friend who is adamant we're more than that but then doesn't show it?

I don't know if I can cope being in a relationship anymore where I know he will rarely ever say he loves me again.

I can't stand to sleep next to him tonight because it's breaking my heart

I'm not saying you are an unhappy person but you seem to be unhappy in this relationship. He doesn't sound that happy either from what you say.

Sometimes things don't work out and you have to cut your losses and move on.

Keep trying to talk, see what happens and how you feel, but if it's not working for you, if you don't feel like your having needs met. It's time to end it. We've all stayed in a relationship thinking it will get better but it doesn't and we just kid ourselves.

I feel absolutely gutted, at times he has made me the happiest I have ever been but I'm finding it soul destroying to be with him at the moment. All I want is a bit of affection and to know he wants me.

When we spoke today he said that the good thing is we've made a plan for next year to buy a new house and that it's made him feel better.
BUT I'm miserable all the time again.

I just don't understand why he's up for these long term plans if I'm apparently so difficult?

It feels a bit like he can easily point out my flaws but never says anything that he loves about me

Soul destroying
Miserable

These are not good signs. At least you have acknowledged how you feel.

People make future plans all the time. They say things you want to hear.

This sounds like you are in emotional pain and although he is not responsible for your happiness, he is making you sad.

Don't sit around waiting for him to make you happy. Sounds like you'll be waiting a long time.

Op. Are you actually unhappy a lot of the time generally or is it mainly this situation making you unhappy ? As a last ditch attempt I think I'd probably start going out and seeing friends more, take up things you like doing, improve your life outside of him....it helps you one way or another. If the issue is that the 2 of you are in a misery feedback loop one of you needs to break out of it, and if this relationship is just incompatible then you're one step further away from relying on him for your happiness.

This is a sad read OP. I have to ask though, are you unhappy or is he deflecting/projecting that on to you? Or is he even contributing to your unhappiness?
This stood out to me:
My issue is, it always feels like everything is down to me. I'm the problem causing everyone to be unhappy and it's my job to fix it
You seem to be aware of your mental health (sorry to hear of your abuse ) but I wonder how aware he is of his own.
Not all relationships last forever and maybe this one isn't quite right for either of you, but I don't want you to feel as though you should accept all the 'blame'.

Hi OP. It sounds like you're having a really crap time and nobody is really supporting you. Is you P even noticing how low your mood is? Does he care?
You mentioned sexual abuse and I wonder if you have ever had help with this? Trauma counselling or similar?
It may be you are not in the right headspace for a relationship at the moment, or it maybe this man just isn't your one 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I definitely wouldn't stay with someone when I felt so sad and unhappy though. Thats soul destroying.
Think long and hard before you buy a house with him.
You deserve to be happy 💜

A relationship is meant to be something that enhances your life, consistently. We all have our ups and downs, but when the downs become this prevalent, you leave. Neither of you is making the other happy. He seems comfortable blaming you for that, but he's not taking responsibility either: if he's unhappy, he should leave, rather than point the finger at you.

You weren't born to mould yourself into the right person for him. It's not your job. And he wasn't born to mould himself into the right person for you. It's not his job.

Each of you has a different job: Spend time with people/in places/doing things that make you feel good. That's it. If someone makes you feel bad, stay away from them. Don't spend time doing things or in places where you feel bad.

That's it. Stop looking at this relationship as something that needs to change to make you happy. It's something you need to take responsibility for removing from your life, in order that you have the time and energy to find what does make you happy.