Old diaries

[DrFoxtrot]

I've been clearing out old papers and things today and came across my old diaries from 1998-2000, around the time I met my XH. He was controlling, both emotionally and financially abusive, which I didn't fully appreciate until a Relate counsellor pointed it out during the marriage breakdown in 2013. I've come a long way since then and am now in a very supportive, stable relationship with DP.

Reading some pages of the diaries today though has been a massive shock. I knew he'd been abusive from the very beginning but reading it in black and white was like seeing my pain and distress from afar and not being able to do anything about it. I can't stop crying.

In one entry, he owed me (a student) £400 and was supposed to be paying me back £50 a week. He didn't pay and I had only bread and beans in the cupboard. I drank cups of tea to stay full. He shouted when I mentioned money. I was too frightened to ask for it back. He shouted when I simply looked in my purse once .

I thought about swallowing my engagement ring and needing hospital treatment. I asked his permission to attend a university dinner, and he threatened to go to a lap dancing place when he thought a male stripper might turn up. I asked his permission to take part in a student play. He questioned me when I went on a placement and home visits alone with a male psychiatrist. He had minor surgery and I looked after him but he accused me of not caring enough when I had to revise. I can't bear to read any more.

Through it all, I 'loved' him and I was clearly desperate not to lose his love. I grew up with a father who was very similar and I learned that the woman must always please the man.

I've collected the diaries ready to burn. I just didn't think I would feel as upset as this. I thought it was going to be a heartwarming, nostalgic read.

Youre happy now op don't let him upset you more than he already has

You're probably upset because you've learnt a life lesson. Burn them, but before you do that, buy a lovely bottle of wine or whatever your weakness is and raise a toast to getting rid of the past.

You’ve come a long way since then

That’s the important thing to take away from this

I think a ritualistic burning is needed. Buy yourself something nice, be it food, booze, a book, a bath product. Burn the diaries outside; cry. Then consume/use said product and treat yourself with all the love that young version of you needed and deserved.

PS Same situation with my father and I understand the pain that causes and what we will put up with in the name of "love". You deserve to put this bastard behind you and treat yourself how you've always deserved.

Thanks everyone I thought I was going to read about him being a bit of a knob, the odd disagreement, but it was pages and pages of clear abuse. It's awful to think that I thought this was how relationships were supposed to be.

I know where you are coming from. I found a journal I had written in about when I was with my XH, and I was thinking about getting help then. He constantly told me I was sick, loony, needed electric shock treatment and needed locking up. Every single day he told me a variation of this, or shouted at me for being unable to do simple tasks, not done the housework correctly, or something. Reflection told me that it was his gaslighting and behaviour that made me feel I was mentally ill when I wasn’t. I had scenes with him of course, but looking back at the beginning when I first started seeing him, I didn’t display any argumentative tendencies with him at all. That only started when he went on about his exes to try and make me jealous and started trying to control me. I thought I was unpleasant to him because I was mentally ill when in fact it was a reflection of all the goading I got from him, which eventually makes someone snap and they then accuse them of all the things they’ve said they are. I was never mentally ill but he was always a twat.

That sounds really painful. I think it’s a good idea to let yourself feel sad and distressed for the younger you who went though so much. Lots of compassion. And then yea sounds like a great idea to burn them or do something similar, remind yourself how far you’ve come and how wonderful it is you are now in a healthy relationship.

I read about 30 pages out of the three diaries and they all had the same themes of me writing that I was going to show him I was worthy, he could trust me, how could he think I'd ever hurt him, etc. When he owed me £400 and I had barely any food, I wrote that he was worth starving for WTF?!

I am devastated for my younger self and shocked that I couldn't see what was happening at the time. I must have rewritten the early years in my head, thinking it wasn't so bad, there were good times...but it's all there on paper, I can't see any good times!

Getting my thoughts out here is definitely helping.

I think the more shocking it is, the better. I know it's hard, but at the same time, if you weren't shocked, it'd be because there'd been no change. It shows how far you've come, how much you've learned, how much healthier you are now, from your younger self.

What will you do with them? Are you going to get rid of them, or keep them?

That's a very good point, I hadn't thought of it like that - I am shocked now as I'm reading after years of lived through experience and healing. And my self esteem is healthy now.

Im not sure what I'm going to do yet, I don't think I could keep them to read again. I will probably burn them.

I started a diary when I was with my abusive ex but got too scared he’d find it so I threw it away. I wish I’d kept it but I imagine I’d feel the same reading.

@ValerieCupcake all the times that I thought it was my behaviour that was causing him to get angry! What did you do with your journal?

@SameToo . Thanks everyone

Thanks @DrFoxtrot for you too. I hope you’re ok.