Heartache..

[looneymum]

I have been married to DH for 7 years. We have two DDs aged 5 and 3. Just recently he has been working away (going Mon, returning Fri). It all got a bit much for me as he didn't call/text much and when he did it was between meetings/ pubs etc. Things have really changed now and he is thinking (because I have dragged it out of him) as to whether we are truly suited. We have had our ups and downs as I am very emotional and he finds it hard to talk about anything emotional. A little twist is a feeling that he may have played away during his time away - there are a few inclusive things but enough to make me wonder (he denies it obviously). I have pressed him to let me know what he wants to do as I hate feeling that he may just leave at any time and he says he is being honest by letting me know he is thinking things through. He has now said he will give it another go (although I think this could be because his parents stayed at the weekend and he was frightened I might tell his mother). He seems so very distant. I am scared and hurt and can't seem to function......

So sorry you are going through this. Please dont be scared to tell his mother you are having problems - it is the truth after all. You need all the support you need right now whether he likes it or not. You will be amazed how supportive people really are and do not just jump on the 'leave him' bandwagon.
Relationships are hard enough these days without all the added pressures of him not being around to do his fair share of the family chores.

You will not be seen as a failure for asking for help - in fact you will be seen as being so very strong and together that you are doing something about your relationship before it gets too bad.

Really thinking about you and know how you feel with reguards to lack of trust issues.

Stay strong.

Also wanted to say use this time to really ask yourself if you want things to carry on as they are and if not what you need to make you happy.

Also if he is having thoughts just make sure that you are well informed of your rights ect and dont let him just 'decide' whether things will continue or not.

Good luck.

Thanks Happy Woman. Just to add to my insecurities, he has just started a new job and I gather the person who I suspect may have something to do with his change of heart towards me is living and working in that new location. I am really struggling not to cry all the time, even though there is nothing really concrete to go on, I think it is the thought of what may come and how I will cope with my two lovely girls. It is hard to talk to him as I am so emotional and I don't want to push him further away.

I know exactly what you mean - part of you is scared to know the truth as it is really not what you want to happen iyswim.

I think the not knowing is worse as you make up all sorts of things in your head. Until you really think you are going mad. The one person you need to help you through this is the person who is least able to at the moment.

I think you are right not to push him too hard at the moment as it will only make you out to be the 'evil nagging wife'.

What i did was to look at myself and make myself the best i could - i still have no regret about this. I looked at things i had let slip a little (things he could use to critisize me - and i changed them). Some may see this as being weak but i was dammed sure he was not going to leave me and be able to justify it to himself.
It is not easy but i just never gave him anything to complain about. It sort of had the effect of making him feel even guiltier about it and eventually telling me all. She also had her nose put out of joint as i made sure we had the best holiday we had had in a long time.

You cant make him stay but you can make sure he knows for sure what he is giving up and that he has all the guilt that goes with breaking up a family.

You can at least hold your head up high knowing that you did everything you could to keep your family together.

I really feel for you and it is such a common problem that is just not disscussed enough. The taboo element just makes it all the more exciting to be in.

Good luck and try and look after yourself and not over think it all. Although i am sure it is in your every waking moment right now.

Happywoman, thanks for your advice. In fact, I am really trying to be happy and upbeat etc. Luckly I don't have much appetite because of all of this, so this should help with a little weight loss - every cloud...! More advice needed though... DH is for the moment travelling home each night and is already saying he will be booking into a hotel as it is too much so let's wait and see. He also said in no uncertain terms that he has a great time when away, watching football and drinking with chums. I feel like I am losing a battle as I think he really wants to go so he can carry on with his single life. I so want to challenge with him the fact that we are no longer a team and there is no communication but I fear he will say if I feel like that he should go.... I find it so hard to hold my tongue but how long can I go on with this not knowing and him not really speaking... who knows?

looney - i have no wisdom at all really but would just say that your dh is not being at all fair to you, by leaving you hanging all the time he is surely manipulating you. Do you ever get a chance to have time together alone when you listen to how each other are feeling without it becoming angry?
you say that you are "emotional" and he is not - my dh and i are like that too, but thanks to some very wise advice and counselling from an older couple at the beginning of our marriage we really learnt to try and see things from each others POV.
it is not wrong for you to be emotional, it is part of who you are and your dh married you knowing that. As you clearly realize, a happy marriage takes work and effort and perhaps your dh needs to have a hard think about what his priorities are in life: is his job so much more important than you and your dc?
It must be heart wrenching for you, i am so sorry.. thinking of you x

Hi Fairylights - what wisdom and advise were you given from an older couple? I would love to hear it. My DH basically says that we probably shouldn't have got together as we are so fundamentally different and he says every argument focuses on me saying how I feel and him being unable to respond. I have suggested counselling but I know that would make him uneasy and he would prefer to bury his head or just get out if he feels our marriage isn't right. We do have time to chat in the eve after DDs are in bed, but he is reluctant, defensive and quite pessimistic about the whole thing, hence reinforcing the feeling that he wants out. I do not want to push him or give him the to tools to make it a joint decision for him to go but am at a loss. Thanks very much for your comments, it really helps just getting stuff off my chest.

the wisdom and advice we were given took quite a few days and evenings together so wouldn't want to try and condense it here - wouldn't explain it well! But this couple (i worked with the wife and we became v close friends) had spent a lot of years teaching and doing family and relationship therapy so had a lot of good things to say - probably the sort of things you might get at Relate i expect.I often think now that Relate style counselling should be given to couples BEFORE they get married..!
I am sorry your dh seems so negative about the marriage and doesn't want counselling - i know it might make him uneasy to start with and you might have to drag him along but if he would maybe just consider a few sessions, he might actually find that he does have things he wants to share. They may not be easy to hear but at least it would get things out in the open? Your dh says that he doesn't think you are suited to each other, but maybe you need to be helped to think about the reasons you did get together?
The couple i have mentioned said that they had often worked with men who had a hard time sharing emotions but really it was because they had learnt so many ways to NOT show them, and once they felt able to show them it was often like a flood.
One thing that they told us, which i often reflect on now that i have kids, is that a lot of our behaviour in relationships is learnt from our parents and we have to work out if those are the way we really want to be, or if there is another alternative way we would rather be.
Sorry don't know if any of that is helpful and i know i have seen other threads where people have recommended books that saved their marriages (!), might be worth looking fr some of them. Keep talking though, we are listening!

Thanks for all you advice. Had a bit of a reprive last night as DH seemed to have reverted to how he was before he started to work away. Anyway, I am just glad to have a day when I don't have to cry and worry. xx