What traits do avoidant men have?

[Parkkks]

Especially ones who are willing to spend a lot/nearly all their spare time with you?

I took spending nearly all free time with someone as commitment but I’ve recently broken up with someone who I spent a lot of time with but there was no real progression of the relationship. It didn’t feel like we were committed as we didn’t do much other than eat and sleep when it was convenient around a working day, then some snippets of the weekend together but no real plans or talk of the future in any real way.

What should I be looking out for? What traits do avoidant men have?

@oreo2020

Very interesting to read. Have been dating someone who carries the traits of avoidant. We've been seeing each other for over a year, been exclusive from the start, for all purposes I would call it a relationship but nope. He's undecided. Firstly he was not in the right place as had no job. Then he lost his mum. Then work picked up so he had no time. Then he had to go to his home country and 'reset for the future' as he said. Then he lost his dad so now dealing with that so I cannot really push, nor leave him at this time as that would be cruel. So not easy on him, but we have been there for each other, so why? I was about to let him go a couple of times - he was adamant we are moving into the right direction and he imagined us as a family; houses and children have been discussed and agreed upon but never moved beyond this point. If anything he is not future faking. I've met some of his friends as 'a friend' or a 'special friend'.

I'd say totally avoidant but he did had a relationship before where they moved in shortly after meeting and then broke up after a year - it was stormy and didn't work and so he is afraid... but come on when we have been seeing each other for longer than his last relationship!! But maybe shows he can commit but I am not the right one for him?

Anyway our relationship (or friendship...) has been fantastic otherwise so I have held out so far due to his circumstances (family deaths) but it really does take toll on the self esteem.

@oreo2020 this is what happened with me, there was always a reason. Usually linked to stress or drama or something where he really needed time to focus on whatever else it was. Often his work but also could be family etc.

It meant we couldn’t plan anything at all. It was almost met with fear. I felt SO insecure. It was horrible and looking back I don’t know why I accepted it and stayed. I think it was because I believed or wanted to believe the excuses and reasons. I wanted to support him. But there was always something.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour is what I learned

They've never had a long term relationship
Often haven't lived with anyone
Tend to date people outside of their city often hundreds of miles away

@Parkkks wow. I recognise.
The only difference that mine did have a relationship that moved fast but didn't work out. I am holding onto the thought that he is actually capable of making decision when needs be.

@countesskay

Avoidants can spend time with you, say they love you etc, but when it's over in their mind it's over. Like a light switch, yesterday I loved you, today I dont.

Any signs of moving forward, moving in, having children, being official - may be met with hesitation.

They may not be 'emotional', talk about their feelings etc.

I dated an avoidant for about 6 months, he was a nice man, he didn't love bomb me or future fake. (I'm an anxious attached, so I do that myself!)

On reflection, he always had one foot out ready to run, one argument and he decided he didn't love me and that was it. I was heartbroken.

My advice - people like this are deeply damaged (I'm excluding narcissists and abusers here) and often aren't aware of how damaged are and certainly shouldn't be trying to conduct relationships as they have little emotional connection to offer.

Anxious attachers are of course the opposite end of this and 'smother' and 'attach' to feel safe, while avoidants disconnect. They tend to attract avoidants and via versa and the push pull relationship begins.

I've had a break from dating and therapy for the anxious attachment, I'm much more aware of my core wounds now. But I've seen many anxious attachers and avoidants in the dating pool.

Dating an unaware or untreated avoidant, might feel good at the time and you might feel like they can change, but in my experience it leads to disappointment.

Oh my goodness, I could have written this about my most recent ex. Always with one foot out of the door, threatening to leave me after minor disagreements, starting arguments or pulling away when it was time to make bigger commitments... wow, you’ve really nailed it.