I am so alone and tired of it all

[Tiptoptum]

Name changed.

I started a divorce against a spiteful, abusive man and he has been all the things he could be. I am 30k down in Solicitors fees just to reverse him giving his business and belongings away and I’m still not anywhere near done. He is self employed and has managed to wiggle maintenance down to almost nothing, he blatantly lied on his Form E, meaning I had to go to court to fight him and financially I am drowning.

I’m about to start the custody battle from hell as he attempts to continue his abuse of me via the children who, up until divorce, he had no interest in, but now are “his world” and a way to turn the thumb screws on me.
I’m going to litigate myself for this, as I’m out of money.

I’ve borrowed some money off family for the divorce and I know they have found me needy, but after a row during which a sibling was really unpleasant to me, they are now ignoring me.
I know that people who are going through shit are irritating, but this is my family.
I have almost sole responsibility for our children, I am renting and working full time and I’ve used what I had on the divorce, plus what I’ve borrowed.
I’m literally on a knife edge financially and god it’s hard on me! Over the last few years I’ve had a huge, life threatening illness which rocked my world, become a DV victim, left home and started again from scratch.
I don’t think they can even begin to understand where my life is and that I can’t “just not think about it”.

I feel like it’s all imploding around me.

I’ve discovered that divorce, no money and a lot of worries draining your personality away means that friends drop like flies. I see nights out and meet ups that once I would have been invited to and I’m not included. No one messages to see if we are ok, and if I message it’s days (if at all) before I get a reply.
It’s like I’ve ceased to exist now my life has derailed and that’s hard.

So now I have a situation of a half done divorce, custody battle, no money, no friends, no family, no support.

I feel like just giving up. Telling him to keep it all, I’ll just live on nothing with the kids forever (I will never own a house or get off top up benefits without a settlement)

Half term has been awful, no money, sick children, we have been stuck in all week and I now have Covid so will need next week off work (work in a school) so I’m worried that work will get pissed off at me.

I don’t know what I’m saying really. I’m lonely, so lonely and I feel so abandoned by everyone, I’ve so much on my shoulders, just so much, because if I can’t get a good settlement from ex then all of this was for nothing, I will have let the children down. I’m awake early every day just thinking about all of it, I drive myself mad.

I often think I did the wrong thing leaving. Are we happier now? I don’t know?
Am I happier now? Probably not. My marriage was lonely and could be scary, but at least I could easily pay our bills and afford to do nice things for the children.

Self indulgent, self pitying shit I know, but I’m just on my knees really. I’ve had to fight so hard just to get to this point and I don’t know how much is left in me

If there's been domestic abuse could you apply for legal aid

It says a lot about my life that I have to put this on here. That I can’t find a real life person to say this to, because they will either read it and not answer, or, in the case of my family, they will tut and eyeroll and probably say something to me.

I earn too much for legal aid

You poor thing, you have been through the wringer. This divorce won’t last forever though, you will get through it and come out on the other side. It can be hard to see the wood from the trees when you are in it but you have got this. As for family and friends situation, you really know who cares for you when chips are down. I’d take note of these reactions and when you are on other side, I’d be keeping these people at arms length. Also I would advise only confiding in one person if you need to talk about what’s going on. Sad to say but most people are self absorbed and are not interested in other peoples problems and would only gossip about them etc. I know you can’t afford to go therapist right now but I think you may have anxiety over everything that has happened. Could you do online meditation? Sorry to hear about covid. That probably has tipped you over the edge. Hopefully it’s mild and is gone quickly. Such a cliche but the only way is up from here. How long before divorce is gone through?

OP, Ive been where you are. My divorce from my emotionally abusive narc exh cost me over 30k and took nearly 2 years. There were times when I was on my knees in tears, ready to let him have it all just so I could move on with my life and find a bit of peace, but I persevered. It is really hard to see the end when you're in the middle of it all, but you will get through it and you will be free.

Would you consider getting support from woman's aid? I know it's not financial help but they helped me so much throughout my court case with my abusive ex

I am also going through similar. Trying to keep my dignity but that just seems to make him look like the perfect person! Like you OP my friends and family were there initially but that has dwindled and I can go days without hearing from anyone. I have found half term so lonely and I have been so sad. Not much advice but you are not alone

Why are your family so unsupportive?

How long have you been separated?
Does your husband have the children. Things sound very hard, how old are the children, are they ok?

If you have covid everthing will seem overwhelming, hopefully you will feel stronger soon.

Take care

I am just tired of telling the story and getting sympathetic noises, but it turning out no one can do anything.
I potentially will need another 30-40k to see this divorce to the end, the solicitor is hopeful of getting a loan for me to do this, because otherwise I don’t have the money to carry on.

On top of unhappiness is rage. No one can make him do anything. I’ve only got as far as I have because I had savings and borrowed off family, the legal aid limit is so low barely anyone is eligible and I have had to pay to get him to do anything

I’m about to have CAFCASS enter the arena due to him taking me to court over the kids, and I see a huge list of things I mustn’t say to them, which reads that I can’t actually be truthful about who he is and what he does in case it goes against me, meantime he can decide to manipulate earnings to avoid too much CMS and leave us on the breadline and that’s all ok, he’s still a great parent.

I’m on my knees just looking at everything. I’m scared to look at my emails because it’s endless shit. I don’t remember the last time I really laughed, or had fun, I can barely concentrate at work, I pretend to be someone else whilst I’m there, but when I get home it all just goes back to how it is.

That sounds absolutely grim, @Tiptoptum, and so gruelling. It’s really shit that you have almost no support from family or friends. I’m sorry. I guess it’s just one step at a time until you’re through the legal battle?

The children live with me. He has minimal input with them, but is still trying for shared custody.

To be fair to my family, they have been supportive but I think I am just too much, I’m too down and too needy and it’s all I talk about.

I can imagine it’s very wearing if it’s not you it’s happening to.

The kids are fine, they are happy with how everything is, it’s him who has decided he needs to go to court and upset everyone because he wants his own way, regardless of what the children want.

Kids are 14/10/5

It’s actually like life is repeatedly punching me in the face.
I’m in a new job and now I’m off with Covid and will probably get sacked, I’ve got to represent myself in family court which I’m terrified of, whilst trying to stop him being allowed to wreck the Childrens lives, but without telling the truth about him because that’s negative and makes me the bad parent.
We’ve been trapped at home for all of half term due to one of the DC having Covid, all I have is my thoughts, and my thoughts drive me insane.

I can be anxious anyway, but I am an organised and intelligent anxious person, but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with it all.

Now I’m fighting financially in my divorce and I’m about to start Childrens court.

It’s a lot on one persons shoulders isn’t it??

I'm in a similar situation in many ways and can sympathise with you so much. I've spent £20k so far and we haven't even got to court yet, it looks like it will be at least £40k before it is finished and is costing so much because he has lied and hidden assets all the way through. He also constantly lets the kids down making it impossible to have a life for myself and I hate the fact he is living a lovely commitment free single life, with all the family money, representing himself so my costs are increased and I'm here trying to keep our heads above water and trying to shield my kids from his shite.

I know I'm not looking after myself but don't know how to with my brain about to explode from everything I have to deal with on a daily basis. Been on a few dates but as soon as you give a whiff of your situation they run for the hills and don't have time for anyone anyway.

All I can say is to keep going, do not let the bastard win, you've come so far and things will get better. That's what I'm clinging to anyway!

@sophmum31

I'm in a similar situation in many ways and can sympathise with you so much. I've spent £20k so far and we haven't even got to court yet, it looks like it will be at least £40k before it is finished and is costing so much because he has lied and hidden assets all the way through. He also constantly lets the kids down making it impossible to have a life for myself and I hate the fact he is living a lovely commitment free single life, with all the family money, representing himself so my costs are increased and I'm here trying to keep our heads above water and trying to shield my kids from his shite.

I know I'm not looking after myself but don't know how to with my brain about to explode from everything I have to deal with on a daily basis. Been on a few dates but as soon as you give a whiff of your situation they run for the hills and don't have time for anyone anyway.

All I can say is to keep going, do not let the bastard win, you've come so far and things will get better. That's what I'm clinging to anyway!

It’s awful isn’t it?? My solicitor is good, but she’s expensive, but she is what I ended because someone needed to go in hard with him, but that costs. I’m as far as I am thanks to her, but I still have miles to go.

I look a wreck, I feel a wreck. I probably need Anti depressants if I am honest.

He’s not been turning up recently. He wants shared care and complains about his limited access, then just doesn’t show up.

I am an older mum and tbh I will never date again. I can’t face a relationship ever again.

Who's said that you can't say negative things about him? In my experience, in court room and to CAFCASS they're expecting you to be honest. So as long as its factual, you're supposed to tell them the all his negatives. They will have heard it all anyway.

And when it comes to telling the children about him, in our case court was clear that as long as what I said was truthful, with age appropriate detail and in response to questions from the children, it was fine to tell them what had happened.

I was under the impression you shouldn’t run the other parent down to court and CAFCASS? I think he’s a woeful and abusive parent tbh, and I have done the best I can to advocate for the children. They want to see him, but they want to see him in the way they are now.
It’s not what he wants, but he won’t give them a chance to come round to anything, he has, as always, decided he will make us do what he wants.
He is a bully and I do worry for the kids without me there to dampen his ways down.

He always lets them down, his promises always come to nothing, one of them won’t even see him at the moment age is just so tired of how he is.

I just feel like it’s all stacked against me, that I will be told how terrible I am, how I’ve turned them against him.

Nothing I say is a lie. The children witnessed some of it.

I can hear your pain in your messages but just to say, you've got this! Keep fighting for your kids because you are their voice. Assuming it's your eldest that won't see him, the court will listen to their story won't they. My eldest is 15 and also won't see her dad, she's witnessed too much of his behaviour and knows that he doesn't put her first or really care about anything except for himself. It makes it so much harder on us as we have to bear all of the load but I can completely understand why she won't go!

It’s actually the middle one!! She’s very succinct and comfortable with her reasons, but I am worried she will be forced.
I make her available each visit and she knows she can go, she just won’t.

I admire her for sticking to her guns, but am concerned this will turn around on me. I encourage her to go, but she’s having none of it!!

I'm in a similar position, OP, and it is a grind. I've had child arrangement order and divorce finances running concurrently, it's been 5 years, but I've represented myself for a lot of it, so it has taken time and energy to do that. All while holding onto a full time job and managing two damaged kids. Ex sees the eldest once a week, he hasn't seen the youngest for nearly 4 years and now wants to see her after abandoning her. Not a word to me, asking how either of them are, all through lockdown.

It does feel like the odds are stacked in favour of a dangerous and disinterested man. And now he's withholding child maintenance but this will count for nothing in either court case.

Friends and relatives are supportive and outraged but the system seems to disregard all of his terrible behaviour. It makes me so angry.

So, sympathies

It makes me furious.
He can just stop financing the children that are also his, and I am expected to pick up the slack because if I don’t I am negligent.
Meantime I would be hauled over the coals if I made it difficult for him to see them, because he has rights, but the Childrens rights to be warm and fed don’t need to be met by both parents, they only need to be met by me. There is no comeback on him for not helping to meet those needs. No one can make him be honest with anything at all.

Meantime I have to work all the hours to finance it, meaning I don’t qualify for the free school dinners etc, so that is also my sole problem. He can sit smirking as i nearly kill myself to provide it all, his input being the odd Meme on FB about terrible women who stop their ex being a dad!

I can’t say a word about how he doesn’t provide for them because “money and access are separate” but how can they be? How can you be allowed to pick up the bits of parenting that you fancy and get rid of the bits you don’t? How can no one look at a parent withholding money from their children and think that person is a good and caring parent?

I don’t even know where I will find the energy to do the fight over access. He is of course represented, because he can’t afford to pay for the children, but he can afford representation to tell a Court what an amazing father he is!

I would question again where you got the idea from that you can't be negative about him to court and CAFCASS. There's a large grey area between running someone down and calming telling facts about them.

So yes, it's not wise to go on a rant about him. But you shouldn't hide facts from them either. Write down the abusive/neglectful things he did, preface it with some things that you appreciate about him. And end it with a statement that you are not interested in running him down, that you would want your children to have a good relationship with him but that his actions make that difficult.

Everywhere I read anything it tells me not to run the other parent down, that courts don’t want to hear about DV against me, that if I’m not positive then I will be seen as the “difficult one”

There are so many conflicting statements, and apart from being able to say the kids love him and when he does stuff with them they have fun I would be hard put to say anything positive really.

He’s unreliable, I don’t trust him to look after them as his judgement can be off, he makes promises and doesn’t keep them, he’s a lazy parent, he is abusive, emotionally mainly, but this has branched out to the kids on occasion, the kids have seen how he’s treated me (and is) and their relationship with him can be very treading on eggshells.
I would prefer them to see him as little as possible really, but I appreciate they do need to see him. I just want it to be in a safe way that is comfortable for them

You can articulate all these things, as long as you give examples instead of character judgements. So instead of "he's unreliable" say: our agreement is that he sees them .... In reality he sees them .... So far he has missed.... Weekends.

When the children are schedule to go to him they say... and do.... When he doesn't show up they say and do.... When they come back from him they say and do...

With emails/texts as evidence (that's why ppl say it's important to communicate in writing).

Etc etc

Does your local Women's Aid have a drop in? I don't know if they're online these days, but I've found them really helpful to articulate stuff for court.

Woman's aid have a 24hour hotline and a online chat for certain hours in the day x