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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

They never change do they?

25 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2021 08:12

I'm a bit trapped at the moment, although I know im not. ExDp has started love bombing again calling daily says he misses me will change adores me. Demanding I don't date or see anyone so he has time to prove to me he can change. Saying he will die if I sleep with anyone else but him. I keep saying we're not together and he's free to do what he chooses to do as am I. If he wants to change he needs to do it for himself not on the hope alone of 'winning me back'.
We have been seperate since June. I have only been on 3 dates all in last month with one new man, who I knew a long time ago as a friend but never dated. Its going okay, no issues but equally no plans for more it's just very nice company. I'm defiantly not ready for anything serious yet as it's too soon.
Im starting to worry this is another controlling tatic from him and it makes me very uncomfortable. We have a son together so I can't cut all contact.
Is this normal or just a bit ott?

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 28/10/2021 08:17

OTT and trying to control you. Dangling the promise of change purely to stop you moving on. Why did you split?

And no, in answer to your thread title, they never change.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/10/2021 08:19

Don't engage in any conversation that's not about DS. Don't explain yourself to him, don't give any information about your private life and don't take any interest in his.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2021 08:21

Split as I think he had an affair which he denies. Took a woman he said he had no contact with (long story) away with him on a work weekend and lied about her being their repeatedly. Found out form social media. Then found out later he'd been doing drugs etc and lying about that plus a few other bits involving not being fiscally responsible, but not joint finances so on him

OP posts:

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2021 08:23

She dosnt work for him and he is self employed, no reason at all for her to be their and he asked joint friends to lie to me about her being there at this weekend. It was unpleasant and during my law exams for uni so doubly fun (not)

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 28/10/2021 08:29

Oh god ignore him. Why would he need to change if he'd done nothing wrong? You're right - it's all about control

Grimsknee · 28/10/2021 08:35

If he's been controlling in the past, this definitely sounds like a controlling tactic. Just to be clear, there's no plausible mechanism by which he might die if you sleep with someone. He's got no right to determine what you do with your time, including dating or anything else you do with your life. It's irrelevant whether it's "normal" - it makes you feel uncomfortable, so it's not on. I guess you can't stop him doing it because you have to communicate about DS, but best thing is to try not to engage with it, not have any conversation at all about it - recommend you look up "grey rock".
If he were a normal person, you saying "we're not together and he's free to do what he chooses to do as am I. If he wants to change he needs to do it for himself not on the hope alone of 'winning me back'." might work, but it sounds like with this guy even those words are giving him too much engagement. Just say "no thanks" or "I'm not talking about that with you" if possible.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/10/2021 08:47

Saying he will die if I sleep with anyone else but him

Send him
"I fucked a random"

Follow it up after 2hrs with
"are you dead yet?"

Obviously just kidding but purely because you share a child.

This is obvious control and it's a bit worrying you couldn't see this a mile off OP. Have you had any counselling or anything since leaving?

curiouslypacific · 28/10/2021 08:48

Of course it's not normal, but it does seem to be a common script for controlling and abusive men to promise the world and also threaten suicide and all sorts if you don't go back. It's all bollocks of course. Once he figures this isn't working he'll likely try other ways of controlling you (probably via your dc), so be prepared for a sudden switch to other tactics (eg anger or trying to make you jealous). Speak to women's aid - they should be able to advise on how best to deal with this behaviour and keep you and dc safe, if you're worried it might escalate.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2021 08:50

I'm not worried saftey wise. Just a bit confused by whole thing I suspect he senses somethings off as I'm very disengaged now so trying to get control back

OP posts:

JudgementalCactus · 28/10/2021 08:53

Have a look at Dr Ramani on youtube. She teaches people how to deal with narcissists. It might come in handy.

And no, they never change. You would be really stupid to give him another chance.

JustKittenAround · 28/10/2021 08:54

Well, I’d tell him if he is serious and worthy as he has claimed… he can put up with you seeing other people and prove himself….It’s up to him to win you back, it’s not up to you to not live your life. I’d be living the life lol!

He’s mad because he can’t stand the thought of another man having you, not because he actually wants to have you in a healthy sort of way. it’s his pride, not you, if it were you he wouldn’t have hurt and shamed you as he has. He has shamed you, he’s even put you in danger of STI’s.

Stop taking his calls for a bit. Go date. Love waits right?!? Let him.

Know your worth, because otherwise you’re nothing to anyone. Economics.

You know damn well he cheated on you. He was inside whatever cavern would have him. Now he’s sad because if you get on with someone else it will show he isn’t all that.

He cheated on you. Stop taking his calls.

Have fun and do what you want to do. In the end you’d never trust him, you’d always wonder, you’d be the relationship police always checking his story. You’re worth more than that. There is no trust now.

That is, unless you think he is worth your time after the woman he’s had with you… taking away places…while you were home..lord only knows what else he was up to.. If you’re cool with that then here is the rest of your life. You signed up for it. I believe you know better.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 28/10/2021 09:26

I am worth more. Everyone's commented how less anxious I am in last few months

OP posts:

bogeythefungusman · 28/10/2021 09:36

Very 'dog in a manger'. It's all about control. Just don't engage.

BeggarsMeddle · 28/10/2021 09:38

If people have noticed you're less anxious the you know you've done the right thing!!

DrManhattan · 28/10/2021 14:05

Block him

KirstenBlest · 28/10/2021 14:55

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Saying he will die if I sleep with anyone else but him

Send him
"I fucked a random"

Follow it up after 2hrs with
"are you dead yet?"

Obviously just kidding but purely because you share a child.

This is obvious control and it's a bit worrying you couldn't see this a mile off OP. Have you had any counselling or anything since leaving?

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 28/10/2021 15:53

So as soon as you've started to date another man he miraculously has an about turn and will do anything to save the relationship. Somewhat of a coincidence .

layladomino · 28/10/2021 16:06

He is your ex for very good reasons. He has no right to give his opinion about your love life or any other part of your life. He is trying to control you. Don't let him in to your head. Only engage when it is necessary, and about your DC. Ignore any other communication (I suggest saving it, as evidence should he persist or get worse).

Enjoy your new life!!

JustKittenAround · 29/10/2021 02:20

@Pleaseaddcaffine

I am worth more. Everyone's commented how less anxious I am in last few months

This is for real!

There might be hard times but hold strong because you are better without this piece of garbage!

altmember · 29/10/2021 02:34

He's still in the denial stage, that's why he can't accept the idea of you seeing anyone else. That's often the hardest part of a break up because it makes it clear there's no going back.

BackBackBack · 29/10/2021 07:27

Grey rock. Don't answer calls - communicate by text or email.

Ignore anything that isn't about your son. If he sends you a load of waffle about getting you back and one line about contact, then you only respond to the line about contact and ignore the rest. Rinse and repeat.

He will keep love bombing for as long as he gets a reaction from you - so don't give him one.

GoodnightGrandma · 29/10/2021 07:41

Do not communicate with him for any reason other than about your child.
Ignore and delete anything else.
He will eventually get bored and move onto hassling someone else.

boniobiscuit · 29/10/2021 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boniobiscuit · 29/10/2021 08:01

Sorry, wrong thread, I'll report my last post 🤦🏻‍♀️

TheChip · 29/10/2021 08:05

He knows you've been dating and is trying to put a stop to it. Only engage in conversations about your child. Tell him that as well.
"We are over. We are not getting back together. From now on our communication will only be about dc"

I did this with my ex and he was brilliant at forming conversations about ds that would slowly trickle into further conversations.
So be prepared for him to use your child as a conversation starter, if you do only go for that kind of contact.

After 8 years of constantly trying he is now blocked.

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