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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with ex MIL??

20 replies

EasyGoing80 · 28/10/2021 06:34

Just looking for people’s stories/opinions on maintaining a relationship with MIL after a split?

I have always been really close to my MIL, so when my husband of 16 years walked out on me almost a year ago, it felt like a double whammy.

We have remained amicable, but lately I feel slightly bitter that she never railroaded her son on some of his bad behaviour - I understand that blood is thicker than water.

I feel now that the ball is in my court. I could maintain a relationship with MIL, keeping my trap shut about her ar$e of a son (the relationship may also bother him) or walk away? I’m not sure whether I’d be cutting my nose of you spoil my face……

Answers on a postcard please….

OP posts:

TheDivineOddity · 28/10/2021 07:11

You've said yourself that blood is thicker than water and ime that's it in a nutshell.

jelly79 · 28/10/2021 07:13

Do you have DC?

I personally would talk to her and tell her how you feel see if there is a relationship worth saving

latte101 · 28/10/2021 07:13

Have you got kids?

Cantstopthewaves · 28/10/2021 07:17

Walk away ( or keep a distance) and see if she gets in touch with you.
That should tell you everything you need to know.
You came as part of her son's life. Will she really be that bothered about you now you're not?

MintyCedric · 28/10/2021 07:22

Not qualified to comment really as my ex MIL was horrendous and part of the reason we split.

As soon as she realised I was serious about leaving I had a barrage of mail telling me what an ungrateful so and so I was and detailing how much I 'owed her' and we've never spoken since.

She also blamed our 11yo DD partly for me leaving and refused yo engage with her for 3 or 4 years (we were just grateful for small mercies tbh).

I have always maintained contact with my first boyfriend's mum though and we're still in touch nearly 30 years later, so it can be done.

I guess it just depends how much you can bite your tongue about your ex, and if maintaining a relationship is likely to lead to you hearing things about him that are upsetting.

Livandme · 28/10/2021 07:22

Not seen or spoke to my ex mil since we separated. It's been a blessing!!
Had she been a good grandma, I would have made an effort, as it is she isn't and isn't a nice person either so no loss to me or most importantly the dc.

Subbaxeo · 28/10/2021 07:28

I maintained and still do a good relationship with my ex’s father. Hes the only grandparent my children have got and have always got on with him. I wouldn’t dream of talking to him about what went wrong in our marriage nor would I expect him to ‘support’ me rather than his son. I suppose my feeling re your mil would depend on whether you have children or not.

SpeakingFranglais · 28/10/2021 07:34

You don’t know what she’s said to her son in the background.

Blood is thicker than water, my DS has left a string of heartbroken girls when he was younger, some I was very fond of. I felt their pain in the break up, but he’s my son.

All I could do was sympathise with them and make sure he was never cruel and told them to their faces kindly when it was over.

I didn’t maintain contact with any but they weren’t married to him or had children.

I think you should stay in touch, for the sake of any DC and because you are losing a good friend and also because it will piss your ex off and any new woman he gets. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster

EasyGoing80 · 28/10/2021 07:36

I have two boys aged 13 & 11 so she will always be a part of my life in some shape or form. The massive ripple effect of a split obviously takes its toll on us all 😔

OP posts:

Phillipa12 · 28/10/2021 07:40

I kept contact with my ex pil as we had always got along very well, it wasn't their fault that their son was a monumental arsehole towards me. I didn't actually visit them but sent pictures of the kids, birthday/anniversary cards etc. Although ex and I remained amicable it did baffle him that they sent me birthday and Xmas gifts, via him I might add. Blood is thicker than water, and although fil told ex that they loved him dearly they did not condone his behaviour and they were happy to maintain contact with me. Sadly pil passed away a few years ago, mil left me a necklace in her will. They were truly lovely people.

Raindancer411 · 28/10/2021 07:43

It's up to you, if you want to stay in touch do. Otherwise it is for your ex to maintain contact with her and the kids, not you.

Raindancer411 · 28/10/2021 07:45

Opps sent too soon. She cannot control how her adult son acts and she maybe absolutely mortified but she won't be able to voice it. As you said blood is thicker than water. She may worry he will not see her if she starts taking sides.

Wannabegreenfingers · 28/10/2021 07:46

I had the same. A wonderful close relationship with my in laws. They chose their son and blanked me completely. This was after 14 years.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 28/10/2021 07:48

I really loved my first MIL. She's a nice person. We maintained a loose friendship for a while and then slowly faded it to Facebook tbh. However I hope she knows if she ever needed me, I'd be there. No kids though, so don't have that angle to maintain.
Keeping it friendly for the kids is a good idea, especially if you already get on well.

timeisnotaline · 28/10/2021 07:48

It’s up to you. Don’t bother out of guilt, do if you value the relationship, do if you think it’s good for your boys, but on that front you can distance yourself and still let them have contact with gc if you like.
If your ex is being particularly difficult it’s ok to take a break from her too, you can be honest and say he’s being a shit about the dc, I’m sorry I don’t like to air this in front of you but I also can’t sit and make friendly chat to his mum this week knowing you always have his back.

starrynight21 · 28/10/2021 07:48

I wouldn't keep contact except for facilitating the kids seeing her. She is always going to support her son - you can't expect that she would do anything different . I remained cordial but distant to my inlaws when I got my divorce - the kids saw them for family days but I didn't. Every family is different but you have to accept that "blood is thicker than water" . Their son will always mean more to them than their ex daughter in law.

jackiebenimble · 28/10/2021 08:05

Even if she is utterly furious with her son and cannot understand his actions and has berated him for it-she would be very disloyal to acknowledge that to you. You have no idea whats been said and shouldn't torture yourself over it.

She is walking a very fine line of keeping you both happy in your relationship with her to maintain access to her GC.

If you want her to validate your anger you are looking to the wrong person as its her son.

When i left my husband my husband was furious with the support i got from friends and family and felt it was unfair. I don't think they 'approved' but they certainly knew it was none of their business to comment on my choices. The most anyone said was 'well you have clearly been unhappy for years'.

AnotherOldGeezer · 28/10/2021 08:08

It would be good to maintain a polite relationship with your MIL if only for the sake of your DC. Try thinking of yourself in her position

saraclara · 28/10/2021 08:09

but lately I feel slightly bitter that she never railroaded her son on some of his bad behaviour

How do you know? He's not going to tell you that she gave him a bollocking. And she's (if she's sensible) not going to insert herself into the situation by sounding off to you about him. And it's unfair for you to want her to.

You are lucky to have a close relationship with your children's grandmother. There is no reason not to continue to enjoy it. And one day, when it feels 'safer' she might well open up to you about what might have happened behind the scenes.

Original poster

EasyGoing80 · 28/10/2021 10:00

Thanks all for your replies. I think it’s right to say that blood is thicker than water. I would never expect her to take my side, but I can see she has put a notable distance between myself and her and that makes me really sad.

I’m an only child and have just nursed my Mum through an intense chemo regime over the last year (yep, hubby certainly picked a good point to leave just before all this kicked off) my MIL was like a second Mum to me. We were good friends. It feels I have done a lot of grieving this year for people who are still bloody alive. Appreciate the responses x

OP posts:

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