Relationship issues

[KellyC06]

Hi

I need your advice on my relationship, I also need kindness right now as I’m going through a lot and could be here all day writing pages 😢

My boyfriend of 5 years who I share a 2 year old son with and am pregnant and due in 6 weeks doesn’t seem to respect me. But I’m not sure it’s me over reacting. I also have two daughters 8 and 5 from a previous relationship.

We don’t live together… money, work, distant issues on his part, so he stays away all week and comes back on a weekend.

This weekend he came back and left Monday morning but when he gets up he makes soo much noise it’s unreal, he’s snorting, farting, yawning loudly on purpose, it’s half 4 in the morning, I’ve been trying to sleep train my son before baby arrives and he wakes him up to say goodbye…

Then bites my head off, and slams the door and leaves.

So I text him…

Asking him if he actually loves me or do I repulse him? He Doesn’t hug or kiss me or even sleep in the same bed. A few weeks ago I was a fat cunt… I’m pregnant, he’s also very jealous of me being on benefits as he always seems to bring it up in an argument. I feel ashamed to be on them and have been working my arse off on my midwifery course so I can access uni in a few years and have passed with flying colours so I am desperately trying to better myself, and my for my children’s sake.

Anyway, he completely dismissed my question to him, turned the tables, called it a day… twice… Told me I’m too emotional and have too much time on my hands…(with 3 kids) the texts go on and on and on and he was very dismissive, abrupt, nasty and sarcastic! He still didn’t answer my question…

Then he came back weds night, he’d had a few beers.. we went to dinner, he did nothing but bad mouth my daughters other family… (in respect of that, they are causing me a lot of trouble too and he was right in some senses) but I didn’t agree with everything and I couldn’t be bothered for the argument either coz if I do I then suddenly “have feelings for my ex” he already said “at one point I thought you were sucking him off” (his words for thinking something is going on) … 🙄 (I really don’t think so, that ship sailed a long time ago) I’m pregnant with his child and have a child together and I was willing to move nearer to him at one point (kids school too) until money made it impossible… but obviously that’s not loyal enough to him! 😥

We come home, go to bed, and he starts making soo much noise again, I know he can’t help it but apart of me is saying he’s doing it on purpose…

So I ask him politely to go downstairs.

He said fuck if I’m going home then lock the door behind me.. I went down he went to the loo, starting moaning about my snoring and how impossible it is to sleep next to me.. (he sleeps on sofa when he’s here) bare in mind I am heavily pregnant… and in the whole 5 years if he snores or makes a noise I don’t start causing an issue, until I started sleep training my boy coz he made out I’m a bad parent as he slept in my bed, but that was the way I could get him to sleep through his noise….

He then turned to me and said his mate told him to film me snoring and use it as his wake up call alarm.. I was mortified… he hasn’t filmed it but he’s been back stabbing me to his mates, making out I’m like a mammoth now I feel completely disregarded like my feelings don’t even come into this. I called him out on this, he jumped off the toilet in temper, shouted at me it’s over, and said when you’re lonely at night ask yourself why you fat mammoth. 😔 this isn’t the first time he’s told me to my face what him and his mates have said…

On Sunday, the football was losing, his mate rang him half time, I was hoovering, he starts shouting on the phone and hangs up, I go “ who was that on the phone” and he shuts me down and goes oh it’s just so and so, shut up! (his mate I won’t name). I only asked a simple question!

He has a tendency to end it but then carry on in a couple of days like nothing has happened and I’m too weary and exhausted to cause an issue again.

He also said he would take custody of our son… my worst nightmare, and my sons as he barely sees him and he’s such a mummy’s boy, why do that to him..? 😓 but he didn’t mention the baby I’m pregnant with..! He smokes weed, has done for a long time. Way before I met him but it’s never really been an issue but he cannot be without it as he is vile but he’s getting bad even when on it now.. so clearly isn’t working, and if it is… I dread to think what he’s like if he didn’t have a smoke! But I think he’s uses the custody thing as blackmail!

I feel so emotionally warned down. I’m getting loads of flack off my daughters dad too who is using the kids to control me but that’s a whole other post in itself.

I don’t want to love this man anymore 😢 I don’t know why I still do..! 😢

He also said he would take custody of our son

LOL like that would ever happen! That is a transparent threat, its purely emotional manipulation. You don't even live together! There is zero chance of him getting primary residence.

As for him calling you a "mammoth" etc - guys like this go straight to your pain points when you argue with them. Because they know what will hurt you. If you'd ever told him "when I was at school I was bullied for wearing glasses" he'd be calling you 4 eyes.

God I really hope you get rid of this idiot.

This is terrible, Kelly. Your BF is an abuser who treats all of you like garbage. Several weeks ago you threw him out. Why did you allow him to return?

Earlier this month when your toddler threw something on the floor, BF called him a name. You told BF not to discipline him by name-calling, and he blew up and criticized your parenting. He shouted that if the 2 year old could throw things, then he could, too, and proceeded to throw a plant and candle across the room. An adult throwing objects in the home is classified as domestic violence.

BF’s intimidation tactics are disgustingly abusive:
Threatening to take your toddler (he won’t)
Throwing objects
Horrific name-calling and barking orders
Outbursts of anger
Intentionally disturbing your sleep
Laughing about how he mocks you to his friends
Paranoia about your Ex

He is a bully of the highest order, a toxic role model for the children, and a danger to their well-being. He is also abusing substances. Is he smoking weed in the house?

Kelly, in your shoes, I would end this train-wreck relationship. See a solicitor to determine your options regarding supervised contact, etc. Do you have the support of family and friends?

Thanks for your reply.

First of all, he definitely does not smoke in the house, I can’t stand the smell and am a bit of clean freak 🤢 it makes me sick 🤮

Secondly, he just walked back in like nothing had happened, didn’t even bring it up, and I have little energy to argue anymore because I had the children there and he was being alright so I left it be, but I didn’t forget it.

Thirdly, I am petrified that he would have my son, it’s a tactic he plays and I know that but it still scares me. You hear all these horror stories, I’ve had friends even tell me horror stories so that hasn’t helped either.

I’m also so tired, I’m suffering with HG and I’m not sleeping well. I’m uncomfortable and sleep training and I think the depletion of it all is causing me to just not think straight.

I don’t have any family close by, I do everything on my own.

I feel ashamed that he came back in. But I am coming round to the idea that I am going to be having this baby alone.

Something has got to give and I can’t keep going round in circles. I’m too dizzy.

I’ve also never known a “good” relationship, i also grew up in a toxic environment so it became normal to me, I am now seeing it is not right but it also seems people always have problems, then I feel silly and doubt myself like it’s supposed to be normal 😓 I know it’s not supposed to be, and listening to people normalising it is not right.

I know this, it still scares me though and even more so when I’m exhausted and not thinking straight. Your custody point puts me at ease and gives me courage so thank you.

Speak to your health visitor or midwife and it will be logged and he wouldn’t be able to get your son. He’s only saying it to hurt you like he says he’s leaving. But it is important to get his abuse logged officially. Do that today. Then end it with him. Ask him to get his stuff at the weekend and move out.

@KellyC06
Throw this sorry excuse of a man out.
Tell him you are now ending it but the only difference is you mean it, I'm sure your family home is amazing when he's not there. Think of having the calmness week in and week out and feeling free.
With a new baby on the way you won't have time to miss him you will be to busy being a great mum.
And as for using I will take our son that's a scare tactic, men like that don't want family life full time so don't worry about that.
You can do this.

I don’t want to love this man anymore 😢 I don’t know why I still do

This is why:

i also grew up in a toxic environment so it became normal to me, I am now seeing it is not right but it also seems people always have problems, then I feel silly and doubt myself like it’s supposed to be normal

You have simply been conditioned to accept appalling relationship behaviour. Not your fault, but our responsibility to fix.

What do you think the point of a relationship is? What's it for? What do you want a relationship to do for you, to offer to your life?

Who the fuck treats their child's mother like that?!

What an abusive twat of a pig he is.

Op, trust me, he won't have custody of your children. Get up and leave, if not for you then for your children's sake.

I think you know you need to leave this person.

Quietly find yourself another place and pack up and leave, telling him would make things more unbearable. He can have access to his kids but not you.

This situation is NOT going to change.

You might still have feelings for him or you might feel relieved. These feelings are natural when you've had someone in your life for some time and then find yourself alone.

You WILL be better off without this person.

Op, you need to get rid of this man. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you. You’ll be so much better without him . He really does sound awful.

If you get told that someone's behaviour is 'normal', but it makes you miserable, would you feel obliged to stay, regardless of your emotions?

That's really what this comes down to; you've been conditioned to ignore it when someone makes you feel crap.