DD, 22, distraught at getting dumped

[sandrawilson]

I have a 22 year old girl who is beside herself after getting dumped. She dated a guy for about a year and she genuinely thought he was the one. We all really liked him but he was a bit overconfident.

She got dumped by him 3 weeks ago. First week she cried and cried and couldn’t eat. Second she felt better but still very sad. Third she is getting on with life but says she can’t go a night without waking up in a panic or sad. It doesn’t help that her friends are still seeing the guy, as they were very much in the same friendship group.

How do I try and get her to see the light? She’s incredibly bright and has a great career ahead of her. She does a lot of exercise and takes good care of herself. Even as her mum, I would say she’s a sought after girl.

But she can’t see this, and all she does is beat herself up for the fact that she got dumped.

I'm afraid time is the only healer.

Is this her first break up?

3 weeks also isn't that long, hope she gets over him soon

I'd try to make her think about what she would say to a friend in the same situation, and then flip her response to her. It is truly devastating to experience heartbreak, perhaps especially from a first love. But she is so young and she has much to look forward to.

I think all you can do is be mum. Which is plenty.

Give her lots of hugs.
Maybe treat her to some little presents. Stick some complmentary/funny postits around the place for her to find.

She's an adult now and heartbreak is a part of that.
She will get through it.

Heartbreaks are the worst. Time and self care will carry her through. What does she love doing? Is there something you could book for her to look forward to. Could she be persuaded to join a dance class, meet up etc to distract herself.

Long baths, chocolate, comforting films and nights out with friends are invaluable. Just be there for her.

Yes I agree with the other posters

Time is the only thing that will fully heal it. You don't get the learning experience without the time.

I'd suggest distraction methods away from the pain like taking her out or long phone calls with family and friends. There are a few great podcasts too like The Single Woman which can be very boosting. Can you both take up an exercise class together or a meditation class just for an escape?

She will be okay. I think we all need the pain earlier on in life to learn about relationships as hard as it is

Time will heal, which doesn’t help her right now, I know. But that’s the truth. I was heartbroken in my early twenties. The ‘can’t eat, can’t stop sobbing, physical pain in my chest’ type of heartbreak.

Within a year my life had completely moved on - new job, new boyfriend, new challenges and adventures.

Life moves quickly at that age. She’ll be fine.

Tell her to have no contact with him that will just prolong the heartache , she needs to be no contact. All you can do is listen to her , suggest trips out - meals , cinema , shopping and make sure she is seeing her friends .

Was this her first serious relationship?

I'd encourage her to Bury herself in work. It's what I've always done, and why I've not struggled with being dumped for 3 decades.

You are such a kind Mum to post this. I think it's really important life lesson and I was very similar when I was young and wish my Mum had handled it better. She kept telling me fish stories - I kid you not, we had them all "there are more fish in the sea", "better fish to fry", "you're catch of the day". All brushed under the carpet and I was so embarrassed at my emotions. I stopped telling her (or anyone) how I felt and hid it all inside me.

A painful breakup at that age is tricky as everyone knows how much you have ahead of you, but none of that helps the hurt and of course, you just can't see it. In hindsight I think my breakup hurt more as inside I wasn't very self confident - I didn't really believe in myself or know what I was all about.

She is missing the future she thought she would have, but you can help her create a future where she is at the centre of it all. I would really focus on this kind of stuff. Keep her busy with lots of fab activities, maybe get into walking together - set an autumn / winter challenge to do x miles, or achieve a long walk (broken into weekend chunks). Take up mountain biking together. Or sea swimming. Perhaps yoga? Can she join some sports teams? Or take up golf?
Physical challenges help make you feel so much better in yourself and mind. Make a list of fab films or concerts you want to see. I know it's tricky with Covid, but some weekends away? Lots of planning - what to go and see and explore. How about a big work / career project?

Busy , busy, busy doing positive stuff and making some new mates along the way - it all helps dilute the impact of him in the friendship group.

Plus, 20 mins hot bath every evening before bed. Add Epsom salts and lavender. Super hot. Lights out, candle lit. Listen to some soothing music. Does wonders and will help her sleep.

Just keep helping her to stretch her world and put herself at the centre. Always finding out what she loves and what makes her tic.

I didn't mean this to be such a long post but my heart goes out to you both.

Yep, time is the only healer. Not too long ago I was your DD being dumped by 'the one'! (Spoiler, was absolutely not the one!).

As PP said, it's so lovely of you to have posted this. I did feel at the time like my family could have done more though my friends sent me some lovely things to cheer me up which meant the world. How about going out on a little excursion to her favourite coffee place - just somewhere she likes to feel herself. I read once about someone's mum taking them to feed the ducks after a bad break up, which was exactly what the person needed, some comfort familiar from childhood.

It's a shame she still will see/hear of him through mutual friends but I hope she has some she can vent to, who won't be torn between who's 'side' they're on?

Just keep doing what you're doing and being there for her. When she's a bit stronger she'll be able to enjoy thinking about her future and all the possibilities open to her in dating and life in general, but for now it's one day at a time

@peoniesarejustperfect I think it's really important life lesson and I was very similar when I was young and wish my Mum had handled it better. She kept telling me fish stories - I kid you not, we had them all "there are more fish in the sea", "better fish to fry", "you're catch of the day". All brushed under the carpet and I was so embarrassed at my emotions. I stopped telling her (or anyone) how I felt and hid it all inside me.

This was my mum. "I wouldn't bother" was all I got, she couldn't help at all and my dad was a bully anyway, so he was no good. Having unsupportive parents, whether that is through not caring a jot or being inadequate really stuffs you up through relationships. It f**d up my whole life.

The OPs daughter is so lucky to have a mum like her.

Thanks for all the replies. We watched the film “How to be single” to try and cheer her up, which it did. It’s almost uncanny how similar the situation was to dds.

She will look back on this time and wonder what it was all about. But for the moment leave her cry. It's normal especially if the break up comes as a shock. You will see a gradual change as the days go by.

Hi OP, you are such a fab mum💐 to your daughter … this sort of heartache in your 20 s is a sort of rite of passage but so awful at the time, really raw. I’d echo all the other posters advice, one thing that may help your DD get through the next couple is some Kalms, you can buy in any supermarket , herbal but really good at taking the edge of those upset feelings xxx

Be kind to yourself too OP. When my darling DD was dumped I was devastated myself - I felt he had conned me too and I should have seen through him to protect her - but had to support her through the heartbreak. I started sleeping badly and should have looked after myself better to do a better job of it. I also shouldn’t have told her how angry I was with him, as that was a further burden to her. I should have just hugged her and spoilt her and told my BF how shit I felt.

I still hate that man. She doesn’t, she honestly doesn’t give a stuff about him, she’s moved on. Your DD will too.

It sound to me like she's going through the typical break up process. Every week gets that little bit easier. I guess just be there for her and don't rush the process. I know when I was her age and I had a devastating break up, my Mum got sick of hearing about it... I probably did obsess over the situation, but it was my way of coping and trying to understand why the relationship hadn't worked. So don't be like my Mum and expect her to be over it in 5 mins lol (even if you do get sick of hearing about it)

I think she’s really lucky to have a mum like you! And, in time (probably aided by wine & chocolate) she will see that he wasn’t right for her and move on (with you right by her side!) I’m over 40 now and when I look back at the boyfriends I had in my 20s I laugh (or do a mini sick!)

Lots of sound advice here, when my DS got dumped (similar circumstances, friendship group etc) it was really heart breaking, I just gave him lots of time, went for 'rant walks' where he could just vent (she had been pretty cruel), and more time at home where he could just offload, it was pretty repetitive stuff initially but over time he came to terms with it and became bored of dissecting it which was a sign of putting it to bed and moving on. It's hard though. He also used to write all the crap down just to get out of his mind. Showers/baths, clean fresh bedding, tea and toast. Good luck x

It sounds a normal reaction...I was really harshly heartbroken at this age and I actually wish i had wiser advice at the time. I took the rejection personally and it sent me down some dark paths for the rest of my 20s

Try and encourage your daughter to do things in the coming months that boost her confidence and don't let her think another man is thr answer. Confidence comes from within and to make wise choices she needs to believe in herself.

I think it's lovely you want to help her I didn't get any support other than friends drunkenly giving crap advice ! I think relationships can scar or shape us even when we are young.

The poor girl It really feels world ending at that age, especially a first break up. Definitely keep her busy, keep encouraging her to get out there and be active - and give it lots of time and a sympathetic ear.

I agree with her making a clean break if she can, though I appreciate that's not easy to do when they're in the same friendship circle.

OH goodness, your poor daughter, it’s devastating not only for her but for you to watch this awful heartbreak. When it happened to my daughter in her early 20s I pulled in all her girlfriends for a Ben and Jerry’s pyjama evening and chick flicks until the early hours. In that evening there were tears, upset, lots of talk and then eventually side splitting laughter. I left them to it. When we were alone I just hugged her, gave her no advice but just said feel your feelings and work through it. I hope your daughter feels better soon and keep being the great mum you are x

How painful for you to watch this
She will get past this, but it's not easy - I should think most of us can remember what it's like.

I was dumped when I was 18, and it's the worst thing I've ever had to go through. Definitely worse than when my Dad died. I was borderline suicidal. I'd just started university, and ended up having to leave and come back home to recover. It took me a good six months to get over it, so 3 weeks is nothing.

But it's so true that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and the experience actually did me a world of good. I started again at another university and ended up having a whale of a time.

She has to go through the grieving process. Just be there for her, find out what things she really loves doing, and make sure she does those things, whether it's going for walks, long baths, going away, good food, cooking, crafting, gardening, sport/exercise, time with friends, watching films etc.

Just care for her and gently encourage her to care for herself. Run her lovely baths, buy her healthy foods, new clothes, maybe a haircut etc. Don't talk about him unless she wants to. Gently encourage her to focus on other things. If she starts to get really down on herself, challenge it and remind her that the absolutely right man for her will be someone who values her and cherishes her, so however much she loved him, he didn't honour that love which in itself makes him not The One.

All the best op, it certainly plays with your mind, took me ages day by day ect to rebuild slowly, now it's the philosophy of don't get to attached and prepare for the worse, e.g. Splitting then hopefully if the split happened in my relationship at least I know I made the most of each moment and can walk away so to speak, if necessary.