Overwhelmed

[BearFacedCheekGrylls]

I’m recently divorced and increasingly overwhelmed by all aspects of my life. My work is demanding, my kids obviously need me and then there are the pets, house and garden. Each month I have overspent (sometimes on a treat but often on unforeseen stuff like vets bills, car etc). and although this is not a problem now, it will be if it continues. I have gained a little weight through comfort eating and although I’m not in bad shape, it depresses me that there all these lovely clothes in my wardrobe that I can’t wear. I have outsourced probably a little more of the work than I should to try and stay on top of things and also pay for a counsellor.

I could try to paint today positively: did a load of washing, ran an errand, had a lovely half day out with kids, got them to do some homework, did a food shop and sorted out a bag for charity.

But instead I feel like I’m drowning in all the things I didn’t achieve. I didn’t workout, I ate crap, my children ate fruit, omelette, porridge and pasta so not really the home cooked meals I feel I should be providing. My ex left me with years of clutter and it is all I can do to keep on top of the housework, when what I really need to do is a huge declutter and deep clean. I think I am going to do these things whilst I am off work but in reality I seem to be running around, barely staying on top of it and then returning to work frazzled and burnt out. I don’t sleep well.

I’ve just had a load of tests done to see if anything is thrown up that can reduce some of the anxiety I have. I had a sort of on/off relationship which I don’t think is going to work out and this has felt like a blow.

I’m not even sure my reasons for posting this. I guess what I’m wondering is, is this how I will feel for the next 10 years? Like I’m fire fighting, a failure who is constantly chasing her tail? I’m hoping that someone might tell me they felt the same but were able to come out the other side and feel like a real person again?

I've been massively stressed for months. Split with partner, no money, had to move back with parents. Struggling to get a place to be able to have my kids 50%.

Travelling back and forth 300 miles to see them, spending money on them, staying in hotels.

I have to kit a whole house out with furniture, if the house I'm about to sign doesn't fall through. Business income down, lost my previous skills so job prospects looking crap.

Anxious and overwhelmed too.

Can you get some help from anywhere. Parents, nanny. Take 1 thing at a time, try to organise yourself. Hopefully feelings will pass day by day. It's all so new and fresh.

Does the ex have the kids half the time, if not why not?

Make sure you rest, maybe some meditation if that's you. You also need to look after you.

Nobody can promise it will get better, but it will. Just do the best you can.

Focus on what you did achieve not what you didn't. Sounded like a good day.

Try Tryptophan and magnesium for sleep. Look into them first, natural but I'm not a doctor. They have helped me, especially if I lay off the wine as alcohol just messes with sleep.

Get rid of the on/off boyfriend - a relationship should add good stuff to your life, not be a source of stress and drama.

Make an effort to stop beating yourself up about things. *My children ate fruit, omelette, porridge and pasta" = perfectly good food. You do not have to be Gordon Ramsey on a daily basis.

You did have a good day - did a load of washing, ran an errand, had a lovely half day out with kids, got them to do some homework, did a food shop and sorted out a bag for charity. Come on now.

Stop trying to be superwoman and give yourself a break.

Start little savings pots for things like car repairs and so on that you save for monthly to try to get ahead of that, but remember, most people would struggle the same with unexpected bills. (My dd's hamster I ended up paying to be put to sleep OOH on a weekend and that cost nearly £200 - it happens.)

Talk to your gp.

Be a whole lot kinder to yourself.

And no, you won't always feel this way.

You will slowly bit by bit chew away at those things that are dragging you down, and the children will get more independent, and you'll get things the way you like them.

In the meantime, you did good, you spent time with your dc, you're going to be fine.

Sounds like you had a very productive day in fairness. Always look at what you achieved.
You're newly divorced, so Im sure you're grieving too. You'll find ways around things, Your children will get older and it'll be much easier to manage everything.
Rather than focussing on the house itself, break it down into smaller parts, one drawer at a time. Because if you try and do the whole house, there wont be room in the dustbin!
You do know that you'll never be a failure, you try too hard! But please, give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself!

@1MillionDollars that sounds incredibly difficult I wish you luck and strength. Makes me realise I need to be grateful too. It’s interesting you said meditation as that thought just occurred to me 5 minutes ago. I think I am trying to be all things to everyone and trying to be perfect too. My ex has the kids 4 days a fortnight but I’m working longer hours to try and ease the money situation so I don’t feel there is much down time.

I think I need to work on my mindset as I constantly beat myself up about what I didn’t do rather than focusing on the positive. I do t have the mental energy to keep giving myself a hard time so I think it needs to stop!

One drawer at a time. From tomorrow.

I feel better for reading the replies. Thank you. It’s a lonely life panicking inside one's head whilst pretending to the rest of the world you’re ok.

For the de-cluttering and deep clean what has helped me in the past is to make an extremely detailed to-do list for each room and then hang the list up in the relevant room and tick it off one tiny task at a time.
eg. in the kitchen I listed every single drawer and cupboard to be de-cluttered and cleaned and did them one at a time. Also had things on there like wipe the top of the cupboards, clean the window, clean the light fitting etc. Even though the list was really long the tasks were so small that I got through them quickly and many of them could be achieved in the odd 5 minutes here or there.

Another thing I did which I thought was fun was had a chucking out month. On the 1st of the month I found one item to throw out, on the 2nd 2 items and so on right up to the 31st where I threw out 31 things. Makes it a bit more fun.

And as for the rest of it - you're doing really well. You've gone through massive upheaval in life so things are going to be difficult for a while and you will feel overwhelmed. But you fed your children today, they have a roof over their heads and they got their homework done and you took them out for half a day. Everything else is irrelevant really - so what if the clutter takes longer to clear, so what if the food wasn't the most inspiring (but it wasn't a load of junk either!)

Learning to manage your anxiety will be the best investment you ever make. If you’re a single parent, chances are life will be a bit stressful sometimes, so take some time to learn how to manage it.

The problem is not your cluttered drawers, or (completely balanced) meals your kids ate… it’s your response to this situation that’s the challenge.

I have done lots reading / therapy / meditation / understanding my hormones / working on what makes me anxious and how I can respond to it. Stressful things still happen but it makes me much resilient and compassionate.

You got this!

Great day op! Kids have been out the house, they're fed, cupboards are full, clean clothes and home work is done! Stop beating yourself up and worrying about clutter, it isn't going anywhere and will be there to sort a bit each day.

I've had to literally train myself not to focus on the negative, it takes a bit of effort to begin with but is absolutely worth it and will definitely take up less mental energy than the beating yourself up does, promise So it sounds stupid but every time I catch myself thinking negative thoughts I consciously stop myself and think a positive one instead, it feels fake and like it couldn't possibly help to start with but slowly but surely it changes the narrative in your mind and you find you're less likely to jump straight to the negative in the first place.

I guess it's a bit like diy CBT really, it's basically rewiring your brain to look for the positive rather than the negative and also to speak kindly to yourself instead of picking faults. I started doing it because I realised one day that I would never expect so much of or 'speak' so unkindly to anyone as I did to myself, nor would I put up with anyone else speaking to me that way so why on earth was I doing it to myself? Think about whether you would judge a friend for feeding their kids what yours ate today or 'only' doing the jobs you listed, I bet you wouldn't so why is it not good enough when it's you?

A bit of reframing and a change in mindset could really help with the overwhelmed feeling, it's a lot easier to not feel like you're failing if you lower your expectations of yourself to something less than superhuman levels OP

Can you sell the clutter stuff?

I'm also drowning atm. Today I literally dragged myself into my office to get paperwork done. Ì mentally kicked my own backside. Stayed there for about 10 hours, but am SO proud of myself for being the most productive I've been in 2 weeks. Its really hard going tho. You have my sympathies OP

Try to achieve one thing a day, set targets. Don't worry if you don't do it, but small targets to start with. Maybe doing one cluttered draw a day or throwing one thing out a day e.t.c

Can the ex not have them more 6 days every 2 weeks.

Don't beat yourself up, even take a day where you give the kids beans on toast and achieve nothing. It won't kill them.

How old are they? Teach them to cook something.