I’ve done everything, now what?

[Hadenoufh11111]

I’m 36, based in Birmingham but also work in Manchester regularly. When I say I have scoured all the dating sites, the apps, have gone to all social events through work and with friends, I’m chatty when out and about.

I’ve even thought of male friends and considered things there. I’ve widened my search criteria on apps, I’ve given people a go that I usually wouldn’t. I’ve tried to be open minded. I’ve travelled to meet people too. I don’t just stay in the Birmingham or Manchester area.

Then when I do meet people, it either materialises very fast that they are avoidant/not into commitment (usually the older ones), or they are younger and not ready to settle down, or they are massive drinkers (old or young!), desperate to travel the world, or taking drugs or something else really unattractive in the prospect of a long term partner.

I’ve started feeling very strongly that I should have stayed with one or two people I used to date and questioned why I ended things with them. At the time I think I was just wrapped up in work and wasn’t head over heels, though looking back I could have invested more time and it may have become something.

I feel very hopeless. Is this just it now? I feel really down about it.

Not sure where I was going with that sentence ‘when I say…’ think I was trying to express that almost literally I have done this!!

Perhaps your trying too hard. Maybe relax a bit and leave off the dating sites for a while? Do you have any interests? A club you could join based around that? You could meet someone through that?

@Katyrosebug I feel I don’t have time to relax. I really want to settle down :(

I don’t have time for clubs really because of work. My job is quite intense. I also live in a quiet village around 20 miles from Birmingham so no night classes etc. Though I could join one for after I leave the office I suppose. Just feel sad. I try to be upbeat but it feels hopeless

How quickly are you asking for commitment?
I would be a bit spooked if a month or so in someone was pushing me for my opinions of living together/timescales of children etc.

@lastqueenofscotland I’m not really, i do mention all that but to be honest they usually want to carry on meeting. I do give things a chance too. But it’s so so draining, I really do try but don’t feel anything. No desire to want to meet again. My last relationship ended a nearly a year ago, we were only together 18 months but I thought that was it. I never thought we would break up. I think on some level I’ve just given up entirely now.

@lastqueenofscotland There’s a big difference between asking for a personal commitment to you and asking a potential date whether they are open to/actively looking for marriage and children. No one wants to have their time wasted - inc. guys who are just looking to get laid.

OP: imho you are not being discerning enough in who you are meeting up with. You need to improve the quality of who you’re meeting over quantity. By filtering out most of these fuckwits that you’re describing.

What’s your preferred dating app?

@SweetBabyCheeses99 I use bumble, hinge, tinder, match. And I’ve used others too. I have been more discerning but 99% of men on there have all sorts of issues or just can’t spell (at all, not just badly). I feel rubbish

Speaking from experience, I think you should try a few sessions of therapy for yourself, just to understand yourself a bit better. There could be all sorts of things you'd discover about yourself and your needs and it could really inform how you move forward with your life.

@Nightingale748 I’m in therapy too! I’ve honestly tried everything to be in the right place for it all :(

Okay well assuming that if you're in therapy you've discussed this? Your wants and needs? It's sounds like a horrible cliche but surely your time is best spent focussing on finding love within and then you will manifest the external love you are looking for? (Sorry I know that sounds really wanky, but it's completely true).

I am 50. I married at 32. I was divorced at 41, with 2 kids. I didn't pick badly and it was my choice to end it. We are still good friends. We met in a club. We just were very different people who could not live together without daily arguments. I dated a few frogs post-divorce. I gave up at 49 having sampled womankind's throw backs, and was happily single. I never wanted anyone, and was financially independent. Then I met HIM like a thunder bolt, via work. I knew instantly, and so did he. Not expected (esp. in a pandemic lockdown). He proposed last week. It takes time to find the right one. Never settle for the wrong one/ maybe right one. Take your time and find out if you can tolerate a person. That old saying...marry in haste, repent at leisure is never a truer word than in an age where you can get a divorce in a few months...

@Nightingale748

Okay well assuming that if you're in therapy you've discussed this? Your wants and needs? It's sounds like a horrible cliche but surely your time is best spent focussing on finding love within and then you will manifest the external love you are looking for? (Sorry I know that sounds really wanky, but it's completely true).

@Nightingale748 yes I agree but I’m not sure I love myself any less than my friends who are settled and married? So I’m not sure what else I can do really.

People say it happens when you least expect it then others rightly say that it won’t happen when you’re sat on your sofa. So I try to make the effort. Im starting to think maybe there just isn’t anyone out there for me. It feels horrible.

@scoobydoo1971

I am 50. I married at 32. I was divorced at 41, with 2 kids. I didn't pick badly and it was my choice to end it. We are still good friends. We met in a club. We just were very different people who could not live together without daily arguments. I dated a few frogs post-divorce. I gave up at 49 having sampled womankind's throw backs, and was happily single. I never wanted anyone, and was financially independent. Then I met HIM like a thunder bolt, via work. I knew instantly, and so did he. Not expected (esp. in a pandemic lockdown). He proposed last week. It takes time to find the right one. Never settle for the wrong one/ maybe right one. Take your time and find out if you can tolerate a person. That old saying...marry in haste, repent at leisure is never a truer word than in an age where you can get a divorce in a few months...

@scoobydoo1971 that’s such a nice thing to read. When you say it felt like a thundersbolt, what do you mean exactly? How was it different?

I recommend Love is Coming podcast and taking a break from dating. Commit to a fixed amount of months to not date… nothing romantic. There is more life & you need to find out what you love. Use the swiping/dating time truly on yourself. A whole new wave of men with be OLD by the time you return. You won’t miss him.

I’ve had similar thoughts re:regretting ending things with safe options but seriously, you would regret going back to the bores.

yes I agree but I’m not sure I love myself any less than my friends who are settled and married? So I’m not sure what else I can do really.

You are making comparisons between yourself and your friends who are married which I assume you know is not healthy. (Not judging you btw, we can all fall into that trap). You also have no idea about the fulfilment or happiness of their marriages really. This is about you.

You also don't really express what it is you actually want out of life, other than not drinking or travelling the world. There's an underlying assumption to your OP that "settling down"is what you what but you don't really articulate what that looks like / feels like or the why. I don't know if that's just in your OP and if those answers are really clear in your mind.

Also re the "what more can I do" comment - again, it reads like you think you are the problem / you're not doing things right.

The advice by a pp above is good - a total break from dating and concentrate on your self. Meditation, health, fitness, creativity, fulfilment, friendships and following your own passions for a bit, whilst building trust in the universe that you are worthy of the happiness you desire and it will flow to you when you are ready.

@Nightingale748

yes I agree but I’m not sure I love myself any less than my friends who are settled and married? So I’m not sure what else I can do really.

You are making comparisons between yourself and your friends who are married which I assume you know is not healthy. (Not judging you btw, we can all fall into that trap). You also have no idea about the fulfilment or happiness of their marriages really. This is about you.

You also don't really express what it is you actually want out of life, other than not drinking or travelling the world. There's an underlying assumption to your OP that "settling down"is what you what but you don't really articulate what that looks like / feels like or the why. I don't know if that's just in your OP and if those answers are really clear in your mind.

Also re the "what more can I do" comment - again, it reads like you think you are the problem / you're not doing things right.

The advice by a pp above is good - a total break from dating and concentrate on your self. Meditation, health, fitness, creativity, fulfilment, friendships and following your own passions for a bit, whilst building trust in the universe that you are worthy of the happiness you desire and it will flow to you when you are ready.

@Nightingale748 thanks. I know you are being so kind posting and I’m very grateful you’ve taken time to even read what I’ve had to say. I feel the universe comment - as much as I’d love to believe it - is just wishful thinking. I can’t magically have things fall into place because I’m meditating, etc, surely? It just feels hopeless. The reason I mention friends is more to explain that I don’t think it’s an issue with not loving myself. At least I didn’t think it is. It’s the constant swiping and feeling shit that pulls me down, but if I don’t do that I feel I’m not taking steps to do anything proactive.

We had a few email's (work related). Then a time came for a zoom meeting. I had a few tingly feelings ahead of the appointment as I liked the way he wrote...as it happens so did he. I signed on to see him, and I couldn't speak as I thought he was gorgeous. I am not shy, so found the whole situation unexpected. He was flushed too. I thought he was amazing, he felt the same. We called each other weekly for the hell of it afterwards, and never ending texting. Calls went on for hours rambling about all sorts. Post-lockdown, we met in London one weekend as we are based 350 miles apart. He was shaking and so worried I wouldn't like him. I just looked at him and kissed him on the train station. I will never forget how his eyes lit up. I am usually quite aloof and cold. He brought a new side to me, and I like her as she is kinder, more patient and open to others ideas. He tells me he loves me every day, and will do anything for me, but we are not co-dependent. My kids like him. I have been very unwell (four surgeries this year), and he has always been right there offering help, transport and a listening ear. This morning he told me I was the one for him, and I know he means it. It is a cliche...but you know when you 'know'. Aim for that...esp. when not expecting it. I wasn't looking but cupid found me, anyway. Don't settle for less than 100% at any time of life. Single is not bad nor second-class. I did, post-divorce, date a few losers...for a while...but those dating experiences were not him. He is perfect, for me anyway. He ticks boxes I didn't know I had. In the context of an otherwise awful life...terrible life-changing accident, child difficulties, family bereavement...he is the lighthouse on the rocks who always puts me first. Pick someone who makes you feel the same!

What do you mean by settling down? Marriage & children, or just marriage!?

I'm sorry you're feeling so down

I've seen so many people say get your friends to introduce you to people as they know you're personalities etc, but most of my friends don't have that wide a circle.

So I started using the bumble for the bbf function, not dating function. I figured I could make some new friends, and they potentially would have some eligible single men in their groups.
It's lovey because there is much less pressure on me, i get the bonus of a lovely new friendship and its not a 'cold' meeting, so the chances of meeting a wrong'un is a little reduced too.

I'm sorry you're feeling so shit. It's entirely understandable, and again I speak from experience as I was newly single and thought I'd never have a family at the age of 37, so I do understand how it feels. I managed to sort myself out and realised I hadn't invested nearly enough in my own well-being before dating.

The universe comment may not be phrased how you would. I'm not sure if you've discussed your situation in your therapy? But if you think in terms of energy, it's generally considered to be the case that like attracts like / you receive what you give out sort of thing. (Much of the Buddhist mindset is based on this though again that may not he your thing). On an everyday level, you say you feel shit scrolling and swiping, so don't do it! Listen to your body, your gut, your feelings. If you're feeling shitty you're going to be projecting that out to the world and potential life partners. Stop doing by things that make you feel shit.

I know that it seems like OLD is the only way to meet people these days but it isn't. My husband came into my life in a most unexpected way.

I just feel like you're not seeing the bigger picture because you're so worried about time (completely understandable) that you're just swiping and swiping and not investing any positive energy into you.

I don't know what your passions are in life - do you have any? But my tuppence worth is to invest in those, (whether it's reading, walking, sports, arts, music, dancing, cooking) whilst taking time and headspace to invest in your self and wellbeing (whether that's fitness, healthy eating, self care, mental well-being, and yes, things like meditation and affirmations can really help you see clearly and get breathing space).

Whilst doing this you might just find your ideal life partner comes into your life. But I think they won't do so all the while you're feeling so shit and down about things. Rather than looking outward, try to spend time and energy investing within. Speak to your therapist about it. Know your boundaries and your values. Set your sights on those, and what really matters to you. Live your life in this authentic place. Practise visualisations, and think kind and loving thoughts about yourself. Then when the right person comes along they will be totally right for you because they will be attracted to all of this and they will be aligned with your approach to life.