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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unhealthy marriage

23 replies

Travel11 · 27/10/2021 17:42

Some colleagues and I can’t help but notice unhealthy signs in my colleagues marriage. He said his wife opened his letter for the new offer of his job - we thought it was illegal to open someone else’s post. His wife phoned him at work and we could hear her having a go at him - he snapped back in frustration. He showed us an app he has and at the bottom of the page it said to confirm your entries and it showed he and his wife have a joint email address. He has disabled his friend request section on Facebook yet the wife has hers activated. She wants to move 30 minutes away nearer to their work which he does not want to do and said he is going to tell her as he doesn’t like driving so walks to work so would take longer to get to work.

He suffers from ill health too. He can be a bit if a pushover and bend over backwards at work so it’s no surprise he is experiencing these issues.

We are all concerned for him and he seems to be getting more ill and stressed but we feel we can’t pry in his private life.

OP posts:

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 27/10/2021 17:48

we feel we can’t pry in his private life
Hold that thought. Cling to it. Act upon it. Butt out.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 27/10/2021 17:49

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

we feel we can’t pry in his private life Hold that thought. Cling to it. Act upon it. Butt out.

NatriumChloride · 27/10/2021 17:52

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

we feel we can’t pry in his private life Hold that thought. Cling to it. Act upon it. Butt out.

What she said!

ImInStealthMode · 27/10/2021 18:03

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

we feel we can’t pry in his private life Hold that thought. Cling to it. Act upon it. Butt out.

This. Unless there's a big drip-feed coming none of that sounds especially concerning? DP and I have a joint email address for household stuff and wedding planning (in addition to our own private ones) and I wouldn't be bothered if he opened my post; I don't receive secret post.

Who's 'we' and why are you all up in this colleague's personal life?

Original poster

Travel11 · 27/10/2021 18:09

@ImInStealthMode It sounds like we are all concerned because an ex colleague was going through domestic abuse and got thrown down the stairs by her partner and locked in her house. We just feel it is irresponsible to ignore warning signs but if we intervene the colleague may deny anything is going on.

OP posts:

ImInStealthMode · 27/10/2021 18:19

But that wasn't this colleague? I'm confused. I can understand now why you're on high alert but nothing that you've described seems especially worrying in isolation.

Are these things he's told you as in 'she won't let me have Facebook friends or my own email address, and she opens all my post and then hides it' or things you've found through listening in / snooping & then made assumptions about? Is the berating him on the phone a one-off or a daily occurrence?

It's one thing to keep an eye open and to offer support should a colleague need help, it's quite another to put 2 and 2 together and make 5 and then to talk about it behind their back.

Original poster

Travel11 · 27/10/2021 22:02

Interesting replies. If I had said friend instead of colleague I would have had different responses. One of the guys is going to ask if he is ok.

OP posts:

Ohpulltheotherone · 27/10/2021 22:10

I think it’s good you are keeping an eye OP, perhaps that is all you can do at the moment. Along with some discrete offers of support / asking how he is etc.

It’s a delicate one, on the one hand these things could be totally normal and fine within their relationship or yep, they could be red flags, especially if he also appears to be becoming more stressed and anxious.

I don’t think there’s much you can “do” other than keep an eye, offer support if he ever asks for it and maybe make it known that he has friends at work and that there are people who care for him.

I don’t think it’s prying to care about someone - assuming you tread carefully

ImInStealthMode · 27/10/2021 22:11

I'd have asked the same questions if you said friend or colleague. Are these things he has brought up as issues, or fairly normal things that might have been misinterpreted (albeit by well-meaning people).

Why do you think them having a joint email address is an issue, for example? Is it something he's expressed as being at her insistence and in place of private ones? Is she actively controlling his communications or do they just share an account for ease of some admin?

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2021 22:19

Can't see a single warning sign of abuse in anything you have said. Not one. Not even a hint.

Illegal to open your husbands post ffs. Get a hauld of yourself. She is his wife and they love eachother (presumably) and she was exited to know if he got the job or not. Maybe she thought the news would be easier to hear from her alongside a cup of tea rather than him being scared to open it. Some couples share stuff like that.

Absolutely butt out.

category12 · 27/10/2021 22:24

we feel we can’t pry in his private life

Oh really? Seems like everyone's been having a good nosy already, not to mention putting it on the internet.

MissTrip82 · 27/10/2021 22:33

We would never open each other’s post and joint emails etc make me cringe but it’s quite normal in other households. How did you come to learn that his FB friend requests is disabled but hers isnt? Did he tell you that?

If you’re worried maybe just ask him if he’s ok.

RantyAunty · 27/10/2021 22:45

Maybe he's looking for a female colleague to "save" him from his "mean wife".

I'd butt out. It sounds like you don't have enough work to do.

Original poster

Travel11 · 28/10/2021 17:34

Thanks for the replies. Looking back now this man is very disrespectful to his wife. Why is he telling us the issues then says he will need to speak to her about things. Has he got no confidence to speak up? What is he like behind closed doors?

We have enough going on in our personal lives without acting like a free counselling service at work.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 18:16

I think that if you're concerned that somebody is not ok, the right thing to do is check with them whether they're ok, and let them know that if they're ever not ok, they can come to you.

That's it.

category12 · 28/10/2021 18:19

@Travel11

We have enough going on in our personal lives without acting like a free counselling service at work.

That's a swift turnaround. Surprised the whiplash hasn't killed you.

Original poster

Travel11 · 28/10/2021 18:19

@TheFoundations

I think that if you're concerned that somebody is not ok, the right thing to do is check with them whether they're ok, and let them know that if they're ever not ok, they can come to you.

That's it.

Thank you for this good advice. That way we can look out for him but leave him to live his life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Travel11 · 28/10/2021 18:20

@category12 Your sarcastic replies have really helped.

OP posts:

category12 · 28/10/2021 18:22

Glad to be of service

TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 18:24

@category12

That's a swift turnaround. Surprised the whiplash hasn't killed you

Quite!

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 18:28

Surely most people who are married open post for each other unless it looks like something really personal? We do.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 18:29

Also surprised by the total about face on this guys marriage…

Affjo · 28/10/2021 19:32

Lol

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