How and why would this treatment mean I now go for avoidant men?

[Whattheydidhurt]

Just what the title says really. I’m in therapy. Lots has come up from childhood. Basically being hit (not severely but regularly, nightly almost at one point), lots of comments like I was the devil child, no man would ever want me, why couldn’t I be like my siblings/friends, left alone a lot while my parents supported my sibling with pursuing something she was very good at. Alongside this I had a lot of financial privilege and good education and I didn’t feel like my parents didn’t care, I knew they did, but I grew up feeling lost scared afraid anxious. I acted out a lot and resented feeling like there was something wrong with me in their eyes.

I’m not really sure why this would mean I go for avoidant men or men who don’t want to settle down? I really want to settle down but I think somewhere in me I am scared of this. I don’t know why though? My therapist is good at going through past things and dealing with them but she’s not so good at linking it up to now. She just says that is why but doesn’t explain how. I don’t know why I need to know this I just do. I feel lost and sad.

If anyone can help with this I’d be grateful!

Maybe because that kind of rejection, although painful, is familiar. People often cling to familiar patterns, even when they cause pain - you’ve pointed out that a part of you is scared of things being different. We also tend to find ways to put ourselves back in the same situation over and over so we can “fix” what went wrong back then the first time - there’s a psychological name for that but I forget what it is, sorry.

Thank you @MajesticWol that’s helpful

No worries. And of course I could well be completely incorrect (I’m just an internet stranger after all) so you may find other reasons why this is happening as you explore your experiences. Please be kind to yourself.

Patterns repeat because we are familiar with them. You know how to deal with avoidant people and you know what you are going to get therefore you are attracted to them.

The therapist is trying to understand the root cause and what you do with that will be your path to take.

We can't know and it is right of your therapist not to guess, as it his their job to support you as you work it out for yourself. But a couple of things spring to mind.

If you were left alone a lot then you are used to being ignored - you are an expert in it.

Conversely if having attention paid to how you behave meant you ended up being beaten or called the devil, then latching onto someone who doesn't pay you much attention probably feels like a wise move to your subconscious which is only trying to keep you safe.

Third possibility - you want a close relationship, but that could lead to having children and your experience of that was traumatic. You could be hugely scared to making similar mistakes, being an abusive parent, so by choosing avoidant men you protect future children from this danger.

Mostly our neurotic behaviour is intended to keep us safe, even though it is misplaced in how. If you can work out ways to stay safe physically, mentally and emotionally in a warm rewarding relationship and trust yourself to raise children in a kind atmosphere, then I bet you will meet a less avoidant man.

You say in your OP that you think you may be scared of settling down, so perhaps that's it. You are going for avoidant men because there's no danger you will have to face your fears - because settling down in a relationship is not on the cards.

@cuttlefishgame I do really want to settle down though. I would love that more than anything.

I seem to end up with men who are difficult, who don’t pay me masses of attention, who have problems, that I can try and help in some way.

@Whattheydidhurt Look up codependency

[quote Whattheydidhurt]@cuttlefishgame I do really want to settle down though. I would love that more than anything.

I seem to end up with men who are difficult, who don’t pay me masses of attention, who have problems, that I can try and help in some way.[/quote]
Do you think then that perhaps you are trying to help these men so they become dependent on your support, and won't leave you?

If your parents continually told you that no man would ever want you, then maybe you are overcompensating by trying to make these men want you - once you've fixed them.

“I grew up feeling lost scared afraid anxious.”

Lost
Scared
Afraid
Anxious

That’s a lot of very deep and negative emotions - all totally appropriate to the treatment you endured as a child. You were confused and lost because your care giver was unable to provide emotional warmth and certainty. You had to be hyper vigilant and on high alert to defend against both physical and emotional violence - but most times you were powerless and had to endure it.

It’s really great progress that you are able to clearly identify these feelings from your childhood because they are still vibrating now in your intimate relationships. As others have said it’s a familiar feeling - this is what emotional intimacy felt like as a child - so in the initial stages it’s actually comfortable - its like a valency bond that you subconsciously think you know how to navigate. So you get involved but of course it’s not sustainable.

If you can tap into how these four feelings physically feel in your body as sensations (racing mind, gripped stomach, tight chest? Its different for everyone) then begin to notice them when they happen you will be listening to your gut and if you then learn to withdraw from people and situations that trigger these body sensations that represent you feeling lost, scared, afraid and anxious you will be paying attention to your own built in emotional smoke detector and you can calmly leave the situation before it undoubtedly escalates.

However you will then need to develop a tolerance for people who don’t come with an initial triggered familiar “attractive” danger warning feeling but instead seek balance, calmness and less intensity trusting it will grow into a healthy / fulfilling relationship.

Do you know what your own attachment style is?

Women who love too much is an excellent book about linking your past to your current relationships. It felt life changing when I read it

It's your discomfort zone. You know where you are with it, sadly.

@MajesticWol

"We also tend to find ways to put ourselves back in the same situation over and over so we can “fix” what went wrong back then the first time - there’s a psychological name for that but I forget what it is, sorry."

It's called "repetition compulsion".

Thank you, @Gorganzolabrie

I seem to end up with men who are difficult, who don’t pay me masses of attention, who have problems, that I can try and help in some way

That's what you're used to, isn't it? Your emotions being at the bottom of the list of priorities, because of their problems? So you feel rejected, but you push it to one side to try to help them be a better person, which you feel will impact positively on the relationship.

That's a comfort zone, believe it or not. Not comfortable, but I actually think they should be called 'familiarity zones'. The basic course of action is 'leave if you feel rejected', which is a subset of the very basic 'Don't hang around people who make you feel crap'. If you follow that basic rule, it stops all the other unhealthy responses you have, because you're not in a situation that triggers them.