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Relationships

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Original poster

How did you introduce your dc to your partner?

14 replies

YouSmellLikeCheese · 27/10/2021 16:57

My dc are 15, 10 and 9. I'm in a relationship with a man but only seen him when dc have been with their father.
I've been seeing him for over a year but known him a lot longer. We feel happy in taking the next step and for him to meet the dc as we both feel we want to be together permanently and really make a proper go at things/spend more time together/be an official couple etc.

But I've no clue how to go about it at all. We're not in any crazy rush as such, we'd rather take our time and get the dc comfortable with the idea first, then maybe a short meet up and see how it goes? At home? Somewhere neutral?

What did you do? Any tips?

OP posts:

Viddy2021 · 27/10/2021 17:01

Have you talked to the kids about him? That's a good first step, and then a short visit on their turf/something fun?

Babyghirl · 27/10/2021 17:07

@Viddy2021
They are old enough that they will understand so that's a good start, talk to them that you have a male friend you would like them to meet and is it OK with them, can you try maybe a firework desply seeing it's that time of the year and maybe a burger after or something.

TwistMyOlive · 27/10/2021 17:08

Bob this is A and B and C.
Hi they say
Have chocolate says Bob.
That’s how my stepdad was introduced to us. He bought loads of chocolates and left them in the kitchen for us to pick through. Took us all to the local working mans clubs and got us drinks and crisps… he basically bribed us and it worked.

altmember · 27/10/2021 17:12

Do your kids not know about him at all? Or is it just that they've not met him yet?

Definitely introduce them on some neutral territory rather than in your/their home. If it was earlier on in the relationship then I'd have said to introduce him as a friend first (maybe within a small group setting so it's not just him and you plus your kids).

This is the reason that I don't think it's a good idea to wait too long before at least mentioning it to the kids (as soon as you're exclusive/moved beyond dating to an actual relationship). Because now it'll appear to them as though you've gone from 0 to 100 with this new man who's a complete stranger to them. Or you'll have to try to explain that you've kept him a secret from them for a year.

Crunchingleaf · 27/10/2021 17:19

I told DS about DP first. DS was 9 at the time. I then gave DS time to process this before suggesting they meet. They met in neutral territory a park and then playground. First few meetings were things like walks to allow DS the choice whether to interact with DP or not. By the time we progressed to house visits DS and DP were getting on great together. It’s a balancing act DS was used to having me all to himself and so I didn’t rush things.

Original poster

YouSmellLikeCheese · 27/10/2021 20:05

They are aware I have a friend called 'Tom', who I speak to on the phone sometimes. They've not really asked any questions about him apart from where he lives.

I wasn't sure if on home turf or somewhere neutral would be better. It's a good point about being outdoors though and then they can choose whether to interact with him or not.
I think fireworks may be a good call.

I see what you mean @altmember about time wise. Obviously at first we were getting to know each other, then finding our feet. For me, I don't want someone who can't accept me without my dc and I know having 3 dc is a huge package. So I was cautious about introducing someone for them to feel the situation wasn't for them. So I gave it a little longer. I think if the dc questioned me on it I'd just be honest and say me and Tom had to be sure this was what we wanted before introducing him to my dc-which is true

What do you do if the dc reject your partner? Without a doubt dc come first. Has anyone had that?

OP posts:

TheTrinity · 27/10/2021 20:19

@Crunchingleaf

I think this is a great way. Mine were already teens so I decided to talk to them about dating (it was just the one guy who is now my DP who they did not know) and what they thought about it. They were very supportive and a lot more accepting than I expected. They had each other to talk among themselves and good friends as well as extended family. It's really important for me that I was open as I could be at each stage with my teens about what I was doing and that they were comfortable about it before I introduced him into our lives. I felt I needed to be respectful to them and at the same time protective. They are old enough to have opinions of their own so I made sure they could tell me how they felt. I already told DP if my teens didn't like him, that would be it for us because I trust them. They agreed for us to go to lunch together so it was a short interaction some time after the initial chat, short visits at our house and at his and lastly with his kid so it was a very gradual process and I'm really glad it worked out. His kid is several years younger and I knew to wait much longer until I met him.

Lena007 · 27/10/2021 20:24

Definitely somewhere neutral. What do your DC like doing?
We went for a walk. Going for a walk is something we both used to do with our kids so it felt natural but our DC were 7 and 10.

Is there anything you do with your DC together that you feel you could invite DP to?

TangoTarantella · 27/10/2021 20:56

I just kept it really low key and natural. I told them about him from when we stopped dating and went exclusive. Just mentioned that I’d be going out with him on Fri night for example. Left it at that for a couple of months. Then he popped round one day to drop something off for me. DC were there, I introduced them, they said hi, he left, that was it no big deal. Built up from there. Don’t make it a big, significant occasion.

Original poster

YouSmellLikeCheese · 27/10/2021 22:04

@Lena007 we go for walks as we have a dog so that could be way of introduction maybe. I definitely would it to ge natural rather than a formal introduction. I feel me and my dc gave a very open/relaxed/honest way of dealing with things . Idk they're not happy they can tell me and we'll work on it.

But I'm frightened of them not liking him, how do I deal with that?

OP posts:

Ibizafun · 27/10/2021 23:06

My dc were 6 & 9 and asleep upstairs, so I thought was safe for him to come for a takeaway.. 20 mins in he tells me he hears dd crying upstairs and sends me up to comfort her.

Turned out only thing wrong was that she was desperate to meet him. Grudgingly let her down.. 16 years ago.. her and her stepdad have been inseparable ever since

Original poster

YouSmellLikeCheese · 27/10/2021 23:11

That's lovely @Ibizafun

OP posts:

Jsku · 28/10/2021 01:31

In my situation it helped that kids already met Ex’s new gf, so it made me a bit less scared of the introduction.
As it was a cold season - walks or outdoors felt like a forced occasion. So - I just invited him over for lunch at my place. Then - dinner in a couple of weeks time.
Then it became a regular weekend thing - and eventually he started staying over after dinner.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/10/2021 04:20

Do your DC have meaningful contact with their dad or is it more "I pay maintenance and I play Disney dad eow"?

If their only source of emotional supply is you, then just tell them. It's been 6 months.

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