Moving On At Long Long Long Last

[Notsomerrygoround]

I’m active on a health thread and so, I’ve name changed for this.

My ex DH and I split up a couple of years ago. He treated me much worse once we got married and I was very unhappy. We stopped trying for children as I was afraid to bring them into our mess and now (according to my doctor) I can no longer get pregnant.

The problem is I don’t seem to be able to move on from him. After we split, I moved into a houseshare (finances) and so I don’t get to see our dogs. 😢I continue to contact him when I’m feeling low, sad or in need of emotional support and he’s more than happy to be in contact. However, he has made his sexual feelings for me clear and I have made it clear I’m not interested in that. I’ve lost weight since we broke up and he says I’m looking the best I have in years. I still care about him platonically and I get inexplicably lonely especially when I’m pre-menstrual.

Honestly, I’ve already given up the possibility of birthing children by being in this relationship. How on earth do I not spend the next decade on this carousel? I’m fine until bad PMS hits and I really need support. I swear to myself that I won’t contact him again and then I do. I’d love a loving, sexual relationship with another man - I even dream about it! - but that can’t happen until I let him and the dogs go … but how on earth do I do that?

I did a lot of counselling (I’m done now) and I’m now on anti-depressants. This all goes deeper though and I don’t know how to stand alone and look forward.

Please, any kind advice much much appreciated.

What you are going through sounds awful.
Are you only relying on will power to get you through your tricky pmt times? I find will power very unreliable. What I find works better is making new habits, not all at once as that doesn’t work. You know when you are most vulnerable to ‘giving in’, so set yourself up with other things as in yoga classes, seeing friends for dinner, scheduled rambles etc. Plan to fill up those times with new habitual activities so there is much less room for you to feel sad and vulnerable and be calling him.
Also stop picking at that scab, give it a chance to heal and form a decent scar.

If you know you get lonely when you are PMT hire a therapist you can contact rather than your ex. You need to break the habit

You ex wasn't nice to you he now it seems only in contact in case you change your mind about a sexual relationship.
You need to cut the contact, although I'm sure it will be hard at first you can only really get over it and find someone new when he isn't in the picture. What happens when he finds someone new, he'll be too preoccupied and that will make it worse.