Angry partner

[Kayl23]

Morning,

I'm just looking for some advice on how to deal with a situation I have with my partner, but firstly I would like to say that most of the time he is honestly the most amazing partner you could ask for so I don't want this to turn into everyone bashing him please!

My partner and I are mostly very happy - I'm almost 7 months pregnant and we're getting married next year. We can both struggle with our mental health at times, I have terrible anxiety and he sometimes gets quite depressed. The issue I have is that when he is depressed, there are occasions where he becomes incredibly angry and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. A few years ago it happened more regularly whereas now it only happens once every six months or so, and I do think this has been brought on by stress. He hates his (very demanding and stressful) job and is very unhappy there, and while I'm pregnant he has been doing a lot more around the house and looking after me. I think it's just all become too much for him and he's snapped. Anyway, he's never hurt me and im not worried about that happening because I know he never would, but im more concerned about him hurting himself.
We had a disagreement on Monday evening which was over something incredibly minor but he became so ridiculously angry over it and it just spiralled - he was shouting and swearing at the top of his voice constantly and calling me names, he doesn't take a break from shouting because he doesn't want me to be able to say anything over him so it's just this constant noise, but my main worry is that he becomes completely deluded almost - saying things that are simply not true in regards to our relationship, how I've spoken to him, things I've said in the past. When he's in one of these moods it's like he really believes that I don't love him, I put him down constantly, I tell everyone about our relationship and I honestly do none of these things. It's impossible to reason with him or even have an adult conversation because he just can't seem to do it and just has this tunnel vision where im the enemy and everything I say is wrong, or I will agree to something he says numerous times yet he will still stand there shouting about how I disagree with him, like he literally cannot take in what im saying.
I know that this anger is a result of him struggling with his mental health but I just don't know how to deal with it - I want to be there for him and support him but he makes it impossible and obviously when he's been shouting and swearing at me, that makes me angry too and then I don't want to be anywhere near him.
Last night he came home saying he doesn't want to argue and we obviously have a different opinion on his behaviour on Monday night because he doesn't think he did anything wrong - yet I KNOW that if he wasn't in this headspace, he would feel awful about it. I explained that I don't want to argue either but I won't tolerate him behaving like that and im not willing to bring our child up seeing/hearing it and thinking that's an acceptable way to speak to women or speak to his mum while he's growing up.

Im aware this makes my partner sound like a prick but like I said, it isn't a regular occurrence and I would just like some advice on how to get through to him.

Hi I’ve just posted this morning about more or less the same thing .

You are actually me 15 year ago fast forward now three kids and a dog and the temper is an issue he will fly off the handle for minor things and the kids are now really upset and realising this ain’t right .
I’m trying to get him to leave us and I can bring the kids up in a calm environment.

I should have done this when our oldest was little as he lost his temper with her a lot when she wouldn’t sleep in her own bed and he was tired . Looking back now i should have told him to go and I feel guilty all the time about letting me daughter. Have to go through that .
The kids love him though but hate his moods .

Good luck with the pregnancy and I hope he starts to calm but please just have a good think about the environment your child will have to live in and you . I really wish I had back then x

I'm sorry but I couldn't bring a baby into that environment. What happens when neither of you are getting any sleep with a newborn? Is he going to be yelling at you and your baby in the middle of the night? Will you ever feel comfortable leaving him alone with a fussy baby?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You won't ever get through to him and you've already tried more than enough times. This is who he is and this is who he really is. It matters not a jot how often this happens either; the frequency is irrelevant. The fact is it is happening and this has likely further escalated over time too. You're on the receiving end of his abusive treatment and he blames you for it all; in his head its always someone else's fault (yours) other than their own. He probably thinks you drive him to it as well; you honestly do not. You are not responsible either for him and you cannot fix and or rescue him. Abusers too can be "nice" sometimes because if they were awful all the time no-one would want to be with them. What you're also likely seeing from him now is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Look at his parents OP, particularly his dad. What are these people like towards each other?.

How does he behave around his work colleagues and to people in the outside world; my guess is far differently. He does not have to hit you to hurt you either; words are also very effective. He is likely all sweetness and light with and around them/can't do enough for them.

Many people too have stressful jobs/lives and some also live with depression and or anxiety on a daily basis. They do not all resort to shouting at their other half like this man does towards you. His actions towards you are not loving ones; they are actions steeped in wanting power and control. Your man is depressed because he is infact angry, not because he is depressed. And if he does indeed have problems with his mental health what has he done to date to address this?. Visit the GP?. I would think he has done nothing.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. I would think he is the root cause of you feeling so anxious as well. Your own anxiety levels would likely plummet if you and he were to part ways.

You have a choice here re this man, your as yet unborn child does not.
I would postpone the wedding entirely and also consider whether this is a relationship you at all want to stay in, let alone raise a child in. I would also give this child your surname going forward too rather than his and look into co-parenting your child separately. Pregnancy and birth too are further flashpoints for abusive men to show their true colours and marriage is also not going to make him behave any better towards you.

I would suggest you contact WOmens Aid here to talk about this man some more. Do also let your midwife know that this is happening to

you at home. You should feel no shame in doing that. Abuse thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now. How supportive and or helpful are your own family/friends here to you?.

What will happen is, it will grind you down. It won’t stop hurting but it won’t surprise you as much. And as the years go by you’ll feel more and more resentful.

Stick to your guns. Tell him you will not bring a child into this. If he is not willing to address his anger issues, you will leave.

Dh was over indulged and spoilt by his parents and they never addressed his anger. It took me threatening to leave him a few months before our wedding for him to realise he had to do something and he had extensive counselling and he worked very very hard to manage it. But, and this is absolutely key, he knew he had to address it. It was my ultimatum that forced the issue but he did the work, not me.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am worried about when the baby is here which is why I've posted, like I said I was looking for some advice on how to handle it or help improve things.

His biological dad was very abusive to him and his mum, so I know he has that streak in him however he has been getting better at controlling it until recently. Regarding other people, he can sometimes explode at other people too and there has been a few instances where he's ended up having shouting matches with people in public which I do find incredibly embarrassing but again, he has been getting better at controlling that too.

@Triffid1 I'm glad to hear counselling made a difference for your partner. My partner is currently receiving CBT however it seems to have become more tailored to dealing with his work stress rather than his anger. I'm going to speak to him about it and say he needs to address this with his therapist.

"His biological dad was very abusive to him and his mum, so I know he has that streak in him however he has been getting better at controlling it until recently. Regarding other people, he can sometimes explode at other people too and there has been a few instances where he's ended up having shouting matches with people in public which I do find incredibly embarrassing but again, he has been getting better at controlling that too".

Is this really a man you want to be associated with at all now, let alone going forward?. Your child will be dragged into this dysfunction as well.

I note without all too much surprise that his own father was violent. That is what your man learnt about relationships when he was growing up (I could ask you that same question) and its deeply ingrained within him. He grew up seeing abuse and history could end up repeating itself here with you and in turn your child further on the receiving end.

This man will need years of therapy if he does this, not mere months and CBT will not at all address the root causes either. I would not personally wait around for him to have some epiphany that equally may not happen.

re your comment:-
"looking for some advice on how to handle it or help improve things".

You are not a rehab centre for such a badly raised man so do not continue to act like one.

Am so sorry but the only surefire way of handling someone like your man is to leave him; show him there are serious consequences for his actions and choices. You love him and all that but love here is not enough. You cannot love him better.

Is this really a man you want to raise a child by?. You still have a choice here re this man, your child does not.

@Kayl23

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am worried about when the baby is here which is why I've posted, like I said I was looking for some advice on how to handle it or help improve things.

His biological dad was very abusive to him and his mum, so I know he has that streak in him however he has been getting better at controlling it until recently. Regarding other people, he can sometimes explode at other people too and there has been a few instances where he's ended up having shouting matches with people in public which I do find incredibly embarrassing but again, he has been getting better at controlling that too.

@Triffid1 I'm glad to hear counselling made a difference for your partner. My partner is currently receiving CBT however it seems to have become more tailored to dealing with his work stress rather than his anger. I'm going to speak to him about it and say he needs to address this with his therapist.

Yes, your final paragraph is the key. He has to address it with his therapist. And if he's not telling her about his angry explosions, it won't be getting addressed. it may well be that work stress is the trigger, but without knowing the result of the work stress, how on earth can his therapist help? It seems to me that he clearly does not particularly think it's a problem if it hasn't already come up. I obviously wasn't there when DH went to the therapist, but I assume his opening sentence was something along the lines of, "My anger is out of control, my fiancee finds it terrifying and unacceptable and I'm going to lose her if I don't deal with it."

I don't care how angry I am, I never call my partner a bunch of horrible names. Because I'm not abusive.

Depression is not an excuse either.
He doesn't appologise and he repeats the behaviour.

Op I'm sorry but this is clear cut. It's a leave him scenario. You have a baby on the way ffs. It cannot be around this.

And I'll tell you for a fact, he is absolutely capable of hurting you physically. It's quite clear there a very strong possibility from the behaviour you have described.

It sounds like 'splitting' btw. Which is common in people who suffer from borderline personality disorder (which is often co-morbid with depressive bipolar). Narcissistic personality disorder also has this as a characteristic.

The disordered person sees you as all good or all bad based upon how they are feeling at right that moment. Perhwps based on a perceived slight (which can be anything that damages their ego or self-esteem such as seeing you laugh at something funny when they are depressed). They cannot hold the idea that you can love them and hurt them at the same time. Nor can the simultaneously like you and be angry at you.

Either way, it is toxic af. You need to protect yourself and your baby.

Can you imagine the damage it will do once the baby is born and witnesses this? If he can’t control things now how is he going to control things when there is a baby with all the demands a baby entails as well as sleep deprivation which can put the calmest of us on a short fuse?

How could you even pop to the shops for example and leave him with the baby if you can’t trust he won’t blow up and scream around him or her?

You want ways to manage the situation but you’ve already said he doesn’t see he’s done anything wrong. If he can’t admit he has this problem he can’t address it and to address this sort of explosive rage he needs to be super committed to doing that.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am worried about when the baby is here which is why I've posted, like I said I was looking for some advice on how to handle it or help improve things.

But it shouldn't be you looking for help, it should be him. It is his aggressive anger that is the problem. You can't change someone else and if he doesn't see his behaviour as a problem he won't see the need for change.

In a few weeks you'll have the added stress of a new baby, how do you think that will go?

I'm sorry OP, I know its tough, especially being pregnant. But the fact of the matter is, none of your options involve making him do anything he won't do. That's just not something you can control.

Personally, I think your number one choice should be to separate from him, at least until he can demonstrate he's taking this seriously and working on it: he takes full responsibility, he is open with his therapist, he has back up plans in place for when he feels anger, the next time you have a fight/he's stressed at work/he's angry you see him implementing these strategies so he doesn't blow up.

If he was working through all these things himself, without you pushing him, then maybe I could see it making sense to stay with strict boundaries in place.

But the ultimate reality is, you can't make him do anything. If he is denying there's a problem, then he's saying he'll do it again. Which means he'll do it in front of the baby. Which would count as emotional abuse of the baby. Studies have shown babies under 6 months are affected by domestic abuse they never witness because it has a subconscious affect on their mothers and how they relate to them - so if their mothers are on edge, are appeasing the father, feel uncomfortable with tensions rising at home, the baby is picking up on all of this. Not to mention how they're effected when they're older, as you can see in your own partner.

Its not about telling you to leave, or denying he is 'the most amazing partner' most of the time. Its about the fact that sadly, you can't actually make him deal with these issues, he has to see them and deal with them himself. What you're describing sounds terrifying. You're going to be a mother, your job will be to protect your child from that. At this point, if you do decide to stay, at a minimum I would contact your midwife and ask for advice, ask if there are any services he can be referred to.

Abusers aren't awful people all the time: if they were they'd never have anyone in their lives to abuse. And there may be many reasons why he reacts this way that aren't his 'fault': be that his childhood or his mental health. But he can control what he does about it, and you can control your response, and your main job as a mother is to protect your child from these outbursts, and I think it sadly sounds like you need to start putting plans in place to do that now.

No excuses

Zero

Wonderful advice on here

Please listen to these wise posts
I fled an abuser with a young baby

Don't let this happen to you

I married a man like this and it ruined my life. Get out now

I'm sorry, op, but you are deluding yourself and in denial as to how bad this really is, because it's very bad.

Your husband is dangerous, and his emotional violence may very well become physical. Anyone with so little self control is a massive threat to your safety.

This kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable, no matter how infrequently it happens and regardless if he has mental health issues. There is no excuse for being abusive.

I am so sad you can't see that this behaviour is horrendous. From anyone. For whatever reason. If you don't leave for your own sake, please leave for your baby. Imagine the look of terror on his/her little face when he acts like that for the first time. I grew up around this kind of shouting and it affects me still now. In my work I deal with families in stressful situations and whenever men raise their voice I feel instant fear and panic.

This is abuse, whatever way it has come about. You need to get out, or get him to leave

I don't think you will be able to trust him around a young child. Having a baby is a very stressful time. The demands of newborns and other young children are constant. 24/7 with little or no let up. It can drop a bomb in the best of relationships and test the patience of a saint.

How do you envisage this man ever coping with that? He won't. He's more likely to explode at your baby and could be a danger to them (and to you).

He needs to go.

Suggest you read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That (google it).

Controlling it, isn't resolving any of his driving factors, it's just pushing the lid firmer on that pressure cooker until it blows again. The blows will be less frequent but more violent. He needs to process and understand who he is and why he acts the way he does. He is very very unlikely to do any of this work because exploding works for him even if doesn't work for you, your relationship or future child.

It's not your job to cope better or shy away from raising conflict in your relationship. It isn't about just getting through this periods. They shouldnt be happening at all.

My ex had mental health issues, he chose to abuse me with his anger. I mistook this for intimacy because he was so tortured and it was my role to be there for him as I foolishly believed he was for me. He had MH issues but that didn't make him an abuser, his self entitlement, denial of his experience of shame and a strongly held belief that punishing me verbally and mentally was just because then he didn't have to think about his own low self worth and confidence did. His ability to twist and distort things knew no bounds.

There is nothing you can do or say that will make him so the light. It comes from him or no-one and the odds are not good on the latter. If they saw who they really thought they were deep down, both human and flawed, they wouldn't survive. They will fight to the death to ensure that never happens and you will be the collateral damage.

He does need help; but you - and very importantly - your baby do not need to be there when these outbursts happening.

As long as you cover up for him and make excuses because of his upbringing, he has no reason to address this.

He must get help and sort himself out - bringing up a child in a situation where this happens is simply not an option.

I don't often comment but you need to separate until he can stop this. There's no way you can bring a baby into this. If its really his job then he needs to change jobs, your baby would be better with you alone on benefits with him visiting you, providing a bit of occasional support than living with an explosive father.

It is very damaging to children's mental health to be around someone like this.

I know you said he argues with people in the street but does he shout and swear at his boss/colleagues or just you? If so, he is controlling it no problem.

You tell him he either sorts himself out or you are leaving him. That's all you need to do. The onus is on him to fix this, not you.

It won't get better. It'll get worse and worse until you're dragged down with him. I am there now wishing I had left years ago.
He doesn't respect you and uses you as his emotional punchbag. It's exhausting.

Thank you everyone. I suppose I already knew what types of response I would get to this but as I'm sure people can understand, it's not as simple as just leaving him. I do love him and I do believe that he can stop the outbursts with the right support, but he does need to address it properly with a therapist. I'm going to speak to him tonight and explain how damaging it is and that it will be the reason me and the baby leave if it continues. I'm also going to explain that if it were to continue when the baby is here then our baby will feel the same way about him as how he feels about his own dad, which I'm hoping might make him realise it needs to change!

He’s gaslighting you when he rants.

Your baby can hear this and is absorbing the stress chemicals released by you when he starts.

Leave him and put your child first.