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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know I need to end it but I don’t have the strength to .

12 replies

Poodlemum1 · 27/10/2021 08:40

I have posted a couple of times before , things just keep getting me down so much .

I have been with my husband for 16 year married for 8 . We have 3 children two girls who are autistic and have other diagnosis and a baby . We also have our little dog who the kids adore.

My husband is quick to loose his temper he snaps at the kids when there having a meltdown or calls then naughty . When I tell him it’s the Autisim and not being naughty I’m “sticking up for them “ and I’m “too soft with them “ .

This has gone on for a long time and it’s my fault for not stopping it before , I’ve always kept quiet to not cause arguments as I won’t argue in front of the kids .

Lately I’ve been shouting back and telling him to shut up and leave the kids alone . I can’t take it any more the girls are realising how he is acting and making us feel.
He shouts about the dog and is awful to him , he shouts about the house if it’s untidy . He has left work to help me with the kids and said we get just as much on benefits so there is no point in him working . I hate it I want him out I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time .

He never gets up to help with night feeds and we haven’t had sex for a year. There is no affection.

Last night was the nail in the coffin . I had to go to A and E with our oldest daughter she had hit her toe and thought it was broken. We were in hospital for 5 hours she had dislocated ger toe so had to get it pulled back in place .
All I had was text messages saying baby was twisty and we will be in there all night this was before he knew it was dislocated.
Out other daughter had diharea and was texting me to say she didn’t feel well but never left her room or went downstairs to tell her dad.

Then my daughter text me and said she had heard dad shout at the dog and then heard the down whimper and cry . She didn’t want to go downstairs Incase she got told off.
We were driving home from hospital now so I then got a call off my husband shouting down the phone telling me not to pet the dog he was a bad dog because he had opened the door all day for him and he wouldn’t go out now he had weed on the floor and when he shouted at him the dog ran away weeing everywhere.
My oldest daughter heard it all and was worried about her dog.
As some as I got in the house he was hooting about the dog and I said well he’s petrified of you that’s why.

He stormed out of the room and said he wants no dinner and all I do is defend the dog he has had enough of it .

I left him upstairs and the kids dog and me got in the car and went for a takeaway.

I don’t need him in my life I don’t want him in my life but he has no family here no savings no money at all to go anywhere and if he takes the car I’m stuck as I need a car but cannot afford to buy one.
The girls hate change and wouldn’t react well but I can’t let them live like this worrying and getting told off all the time .

There is loads more but I’d be writing for days . Basically everyone that he doesn’t like or gets in a bad mood over is my fault .

I told him it was over last month and he stayed up all night feeling shit and got upset saying he was sorry and we are his world so stupidly I fell for it . It was ok for a couple of weeks but now back to normal.

His family have told me to leave I get on well with the women but there 7 hours drive away from us. They saw it for themselves when we we’re on holiday .

I need some strength and to stop worrying about where he will go or do . I’m at the end of the line now I do it on my own anyway so don’t need him here.

Thanks for reading and sorry it’s so long

OP posts:
learnasyougo · 27/10/2021 08:48

You absolutely do have the strength. I can read between the lines. You posting here all part of you gathering up the ENERGY to do it, not strength. You have listed very clearly and all the reasons why you are going to do it. You make a few mentions of what's in the way, but I'm reading those as why you haven't already, not why you won't. There are no reasons in there for staying. None tell me you have a reason not to.

Worry less about what he will do (he's a grown man) and be there for your daughters. They may not like change but they sure as he'll don't like the status quo.

Maybe I'm projecting. My dad was a less bad version of your DH and I hated having him around. My mum eventually left him ( long overdue) and it prompted him to sort his head out. You don't need him and he's not compatible with you and your daughters leading happy, at peace lives. Life is short, childhood even shorter.

YourAWizard · 27/10/2021 09:01

Sorry you're going through this. Please leave this horrible abusive man, you can't live like this anymore..when your own children are afraid to approach their own dad for fear of being shouted at..that's just not on at all and really quite sad. A car is just a lump of metal and not important in the grand scheme of things. What's important is yours and your kids happiness and you all sound miserable, he won't change..he falls back into the same pattern of shitty behaviour. You can get benefits and support for your children.

Poodlemum1 · 27/10/2021 09:10

Money side of things isn’t bothering me I claim Benefit now and it’s in my name in my bank but I need to take my daughter to college as she can’t use public transport well both of them can’t .

That’s the only thing stopping me at the minute.

It’s so sad I used to love him and now I look at him and want him away from me .

When im here the kids laugh with dad and are relaxed when im not they folks me or stay in their room. Even if I have a bath they both go upstairs .
Our baby is one soon and if he ever shouts at him I think I would loose it big time .

Im dick if being told I have an attitude or im snappy when I say things back .

OP posts:
Poodlemum1 · 27/10/2021 09:11

Lol typo Sick not dick ! My god

OP posts:
Babdoc · 27/10/2021 09:39

OP, if public transport is the only thing stopping you, it can be solved in various ways.

  1. Go with your DDs on the bus a few times until they feel confident. Similarly, meet them at home time and travel back with them. Once they have memorised the route and their stop, it will be a routine, which autistics like (I speak as one myself!)
  2. Ask a local minicab firm if they have discounts for a regular contract, to pick up your DDs each day.
  3. Ask around locally or on FB if anyone commuting the same route could take your DDs with them.
  4. Plan when leaving your abusive husband to move nearer to the college, so your DDs could walk there. Using the bus is a useful life skill, and if your DDs are high functioning enough to attend college, it’s reasonable to expect them to acquire this at some point. If not now, then when? I wonder if you are clinging to this obstacle as a justification for not leaving, because you are (understandably) afraid of the upheaval? Speak to Women’s Aid - they can give you the support you need to overcome the final obstacles and make the break. Good luck, OP.
stressedy · 27/10/2021 09:54

raising 2 children who are autistic is a hard enough job as it is, especially with a baby.

your husband needs to absolutely change or leave. he shouldn't be an extra person you are having to worry about meeting their needs you have enough on your plate.

if you can communicate this to him and he wont understand autism let him go.

Poodlemum1 · 27/10/2021 20:36

He’s acting all calm and concerned today I can’t even speak to him properly.
I want to tell him but don’t know how. . And he’s been nice with the kids so there all happy tonight .
I can’t wait for another argument then blow up

OP posts:
learnasyougo · 03/11/2021 07:38

You have permission to start this conversation even when he's being nice, calm reasonable. You don't have to wait for an argument.

If anything bringing this up calmly and not wth anger only strengthens you. Its not a heat of the moment decision it shows you've thought about it and want it all the time, not just during bad times.

You can tell him, even on a good day, that you two need to discuss something serious.
And then you tell him what you want. Followed by ⁷ what brought you there.

BeggarsMeddle · 03/11/2021 09:05

Is there any chance that there might be support with the transport to college issue from your local council or the college? It's an outside chance but might be worth looking into.

ErickBroch · 03/11/2021 09:43

Your post was terrifying. If you can't leave then I would seriously rehome your dog who is being abused and so petrified he is peeing himself. You do have the strength to end it, I can tell from your actions of standing up to him already.

Pumpkinsonparade · 03/11/2021 10:01

Your dh is an abusive bully. When the dc aren't around he abuses the ddog!! As a dm and pet owner you can't keep quiet!
Would he leave?
Ask college about possible transport. Even in the short term.
Not sure he is fit to be left with a baby sadly...

BrilliantBetty · 03/11/2021 10:18

He is not going to change.
I'd let go of that idea.

You have the strength to do this and your kids will be better for it.

Could you engage with your local council Homeless prevention team - you need to be staying in the property, the girls are used to it and will be less unsettling to stay. They might be able to help you negotiate this. As for benefits, you will be ok without him. Your overall income will be much the same.

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