Could do with some advice....

[Mrsad188]

Hi, I'm 40 years old and have been with my gf for 21 years and she's my only relationship so she's all I know. We have 2 children of our own and she has 1 from a previous relationship.

Ive suffered with bad anxiety/social anxiety/PTSD for most of my life and even the smallest things can consume my thoughts.

The bottom line is, I don't think I love her anymore. I've been unhappy for a few years, but I've always tried to push these feelings aside through fear - the fear to acknowledge my true feelings, the fear of a difficult conversation, the fear of moving out, the fear of the impact it would have on my children etc....

It's beggining to consume me, waking up in the middle of the night, loss of appetite, infact I'm beggining to feel ill.

I haven't told anyone how I feel, even any family and I feel so alone. It's just me battling these thoughts in my head daily.

I know people will say just leave, but I haven't the courage and not sure how to find it. I struggle with expressing my feelings and am literally crippled by anxiety right now.

Are you sure it's what you want?

@Bogeyes

I do sometimes have doubts & I feel in inner turmoil.

My head is telling me to stay to keep my children and gf happy, but my gut is telling me to seperate.

I'm not strong mentally, have lost a lot of friends and don't feel I have the strength to leave.

OP, have you sought professional help for your anxiety and PTSD?

What treatment have you had ?
Have you had any discussion at all with her about it ?

Are you having any therapy or counselling?
It's definitely possible you've outgrown the relationship. Is she older than you?
It's also possible you're not very well and this is affecting your thinking. Some counselling sessions will help you unpick this before you make a life changing decision.

You have been together since you were 19 so it's perfectly feasible that you have changed over the years and your feelings aren't the same and that's okay.

The anxiety etc is a whole different issue and you should get some professional help which may help you to unravel your feelings towards your wife and your relationship. Good luck with that

I've had some CBT treatment but the last of that was in 2019 which didn't help too much & have been reluctant to try medication.

I'm currently getting no counseling or support. Would you suggest relationship counselling or counseling for my own personal mental health issues?

She is 39 yrs old and is aware of my issues, but not that I feel unhappy in the relationship itself.

CBT isn't that helpful for ptsd at all

Look for a therapist able to do trauma. no possibly emdr for the future.

Go from there. Really look into the root of the feelings you have.

Being a separated parent isn't any walk in the park (I also know being in the wrong one is also hell). But work out the issues with someone impartial.

I’d suggest you give it six months, during which you access everything you can to support your mental health. By that I mean you go to the GP and move heaven and earth to do everything they advise - take medication, access whatever group or individual therapy you can, stop using alcohol/drugs if you use, take exercise, eat well and healthily, then see how you feel at the end of the 6 months. If you still want to leave you will be in a better place to make a rational decision.

I'd wonder if she's the cause, directly due to her own issues or indirectly due to her triggering your ptsd.

You need outside help.

Counselling for yourself: you need to work out what you want and feel.

@theresanooselooseaboutmyhoose thanks for your advice. Ive never actually heard of EDMR therapy before (just googled it) but I will definitely be reading up more on it.

My gf is quite firey and has infact said things which haven't helped with my PTSD. Getting with her a young age and not having that maturity, I have allowed too many boundaries to be crossed. I do infact feel less anxious when it's just me alone (or just with the kids).

@SarahBellam thanks for your advice. I have already contacted my GP and will be looking into counseling/therapy. I think in my head I've wanted to leave a long time ago, but as I'm indecisive and haven't the courage, it's started to really eat away at me

As the wife of someone who had bad anxiety ( nearly lost his job with it, and in the end had to leave) I say that you owe it to your wife and children to try medication. It could be the key to making this so much better or you, and saving your marriage.
My DH resisted meds for a long time, but they were literally life saving for him in the end.