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Relationships

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Original poster

What is romance?

24 replies

Jsym · 27/10/2021 05:34

My 15 year marriage has now been ‘loveless’ for at least 6 years. My husband doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays or anniversaries as apparently he doesn’t believe in celebrations(!) No flowers or cake or presents or dinner. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t participate in meal planning or grocery shopping. He hasn’t done a grocery shop once in the 15 years we’ve been together ( he has accompanied me when nagged but I mean do one by himself) He hasn’t cleaned or dusted or done the laundry or the dishes unless I’ve asked and reminded and nagged. He takes no initiative for anything. I plan our lives, our holidays, our meals, our walks. I am fed up. I feel taken advantage of. Being in this rut has made me depressed and disrespectful towards him. I am sarcastic and condescending, I do not like who I have become with him but feel too angry and too bitter to be nice to him. He loves his job and himself, nothing else, including his parents and sibling.

Everyone we know thinks we’re happily married but nothing could be further from the truth. I cannot leave for financial reasons but I’m completely emotionally detached now. This got me thinking - what is romance? If I do ever leave what should I be looking for?

OP posts:

beautifulview · 27/10/2021 05:58

Following with interest as I’ve not got this in my marriage either

Threadbear11 · 27/10/2021 06:00

Romance is someone who makes you feel special/loved everyday i believe. I believe it is out there and live in hope.
I'm trapped in a marriage i can't stand but can't bare to leave for my childrens sake. The lifestyle they have i could never give them. Their dad isn't bad he's great to them but he is not the one for me.
I'm hoping to be brave enough soon.

TeeBee · 27/10/2021 06:12

To me romance is doing things for each other that fosters love between you. However, for me, this starts with basic building blocks of respect, trust, and equality. That's the very basic principles of a relationship. Without those, there are no foundations to build upon. This requires each person at least to act like decent human beings towards each other. Then you can consider whether the person goes out if their way to do romantic gestures.
Sadly, it sounds like your marriage doesn't has even the basic building blocks. There is nothing to build on.

TeeBee · 27/10/2021 06:16

And one of your sentences jumped out at me (and is one of the reasons I left my husband)...'I do not like who I have become with him'. You have no control whatsoever over how he behaves but you do have control over yourself, your path, your life. It sounds as though you've allowed yourself to be stuck in this dysfunctional relationship for too long.

Somuddled · 27/10/2021 06:20

TeeBee has put it perfect. The good foundation needs to be there and from both parties. To me romance is demonstrated in ways specific to the individuals. Some people do it in big ways, other smaller but it comes down to words and acts done to show care and love to another person.

Somuddled · 27/10/2021 06:21

Perfectly! Sorry typing with one eye shut under the cover as I don't want admit I'm awake yet.

summersYs · 27/10/2021 06:25

@TeeBee agree this is a perfect post

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2021 06:45

Romance is knowing someone will make an effort for you and making an effort back. It seems like your relationship is over; you’re just hurting yourself by staying

MissCrowley · 27/10/2021 07:07

I could not stay in a relationship like this. You've effectively become his mother! Could you take a step back and see if that gives him the urge to actually do something for himself?

For me it's the simple things- not flowers.
Maybe a small gift to show he's thought about me (most recent a hand knitted headband) offering to make me a cup of coffee, taking care of me when my MH is low. Helping around the house whether cooking or cleaning- he doesn't really do the weekly big shop but he will go if we haven't anything for dinner/ need some bits. He'll fill my car with petrol, he cleans my shoes if they're dirty (this is more for his benefit I think as he can't stand dirty shoes/ walking boots) Spontaneous hugs in bed at the weekend.
I realise I'm very lucky, we have two DC and been together almost 9 years.
There's lots of little things he does which show me he cares/ loves me. He rarely says it but his actions speak volumes.

JSL52 · 27/10/2021 07:11

Why do you stay ?
Why have you put up with this for so long ?

Itsnotdeep · 27/10/2021 07:13

I think if I were you, I would be unpicking the finances and leaving. There is always a way of leaving someone

You're asking the wrong question - it isn't about romance - romance isn't necessary for a marriage, but respect, partnership and love are, and those seem to be missing.

TeeBee · 27/10/2021 08:50

Let's face it OP, your husband has no business being in a relationship. He seems utterly clueless on how they work. Don't waste any more of your years on this.

Original poster

Jsym · 27/10/2021 10:06

@JSL52 I’ve been with him since I was 19. I’m scared to leave for several reasons. My parents will disown me. All our finances are intertwined. I cannot afford to move out and start over. Most of our friends are couples who know us both, they will be forced to pick sides.
I’m also insecure about my physical appearance and worry I won’t find anyone else. So I end up thinking the devil you know….

OP posts:

MissCrowley · 27/10/2021 10:30

@Itsnotdeep put it perfectly.
This sounds really tough OP :( the thing is you need to ask how important is your own happiness?
Was this an arranged marriage?

Original poster

Jsym · 27/10/2021 10:40

@MissCrowley no, not an arranged marriage.
My happiness - I find peace and joy in my work and keep myself busy with it. I hate having free time as the silence is deafening. We’ve perfected the art of pretending we’re a happy couple so we meet friends almost every week who have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
I’ve been asking myself why now? If I’ve lived like this for so long then why is it suddenly a problem?
I’ve always told him how I feel about him not taking any initiative and he always apologises and says he will change. But it only lasts for 2 days then he’s back to his old self.
I stopped having these conversations with him as they make me cry and I’m fed up of shedding tears over him.

OP posts:

JSL52 · 27/10/2021 10:40

[quote Jsym]@JSL52 I’ve been with him since I was 19. I’m scared to leave for several reasons. My parents will disown me. All our finances are intertwined. I cannot afford to move out and start over. Most of our friends are couples who know us both, they will be forced to pick sides.
I’m also insecure about my physical appearance and worry I won’t find anyone else. So I end up thinking the devil you know….[/quote]
That's a shame.

Original poster

Jsym · 27/10/2021 10:44

I’ve tried to talk to my parents about this but their response has been very bad. The way they see it, he lets me do everything I want and I have ‘complete freedom’ to do what I like. They don’t get that this means I have to do everything myself with no help from him. Don’t get me wrong, he most often will do chores if I explicitly ask him to. But I look see colleagues at work whose husbands make them dinners and take them out for their birthdays and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:

JSL52 · 27/10/2021 11:44

You should research leaving him.
You can't live the rest of your life being this unhappy.

Somuddled · 27/10/2021 12:15

[quote Jsym]@MissCrowley no, not an arranged marriage.
My happiness - I find peace and joy in my work and keep myself busy with it. I hate having free time as the silence is deafening. We’ve perfected the art of pretending we’re a happy couple so we meet friends almost every week who have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
I’ve been asking myself why now? If I’ve lived like this for so long then why is it suddenly a problem?
I’ve always told him how I feel about him not taking any initiative and he always apologises and says he will change. But it only lasts for 2 days then he’s back to his old self.
I stopped having these conversations with him as they make me cry and I’m fed up of shedding tears over him.[/quote]
I would be willing to bet a lot of money that your friends see right through it. I can't see how you could pretent to be a happy couple convincingly enough if you feel the way you do about each other. In public is he kind to you? Attentive? Do you share in jokes? Share stories of past funny experiences? Pre-empte your needs? Hold your hand, kiss you? Do you do these for him in public?

RandomMess · 27/10/2021 12:42

You do know you would have 50% of marital assets (and debt if there is any). What is financially stopping you?

I assume you don't have children (well apart from him).

You are so young still, decades to have a happy life without him.

Salayes · 27/10/2021 13:01

How old are you? Any children?

Better the devil you know is simply fear of change.

Romance is different for everyone but a lot of what you describe is not even what id call romantic per se - it’s just basic respect and sharing the load as equal partners.

Your life sounds so joyless - is that really the ‘devil’ you want to choose for the rest of your life? Do you really believe this is as good as it can get for you?

WhoppingBigBackside · 27/10/2021 13:27

What you are saying is you are unhappy but won't actually do anything about it.

DampSquidGames · 27/10/2021 13:31

Could you talk to him and say things are going to change, you want a night out each month and take turns to plan it. He’s to plan and cook one weekend meal and choose a walk once a month etc.

TeeBee · 27/10/2021 15:44

Why are you even bothered about your parent's opinion? You're an adult in your own right. You don't need anyone else's validation of your life choices. I suspect the finances are the biggest hurdle for you. There is always a way.

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