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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

General Thoughts

25 replies

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:15

Split with partner. Personally think she is very passive aggressive, only realised it, I think after 10 years of 12.

Silent treatment, twists everything I say, always my fault, says I shout at her when I don't e.t.c

Last 2 years I couldn't unsee it. It's driven me mad, I got to the point of testing the voice recorder on my phone, but knew if I did she would make me out to be the crazy person.

Anyway. I've had to move away for financial reasons for 2+ months. Had the kids with me and their Nan for 2 weeks and I've gone back as much as I can to be with my kids, cost me about a grand in a couple of months and I don't have a huge income at the moment. I've spent the last 4 stressful weeks trying to find a place I can rent to have my kids with me.

Anyway. I've kept her in the loop. I told her a few days ago I'm close to signing a tenancy but nothing is certain yet. She asked again today and I told her the same thing. I'm close to signing but until I do I don't want to say anything to the kids or make definite plans but as soon as I know I'll tell her. since we split she always seems to be out or working, so she wanted to know if on the 27th Nov I can have them because she wants to go away for 2 days.
Ive told her I will let her know as soon as. I've told her it's not been easy or straightforward.

She asked me again today, I told her the same thing. I'm really working on it. Then an hour later she asked me if I could have them on the 5th because she wants to go away for 2 days to London

I say 'probably not' because if I sign I won't be moving in until at least the 5th and I won't have anything. Beds, tv, internet e.t.c

She sends a sarcastic 'thanks' back then...

'I thought you wanted to have them 50%, when you get a place I'll close the UC account so you can claim'

she earns too much money now to claim UC anyway and knows I need it to have the kids/afford a place. We've agreed I can claim and I recently asked for her to close her claim. Hence the above msg.

My response is. Yes I want them 50% but I don't have a place right now and 2. I'm 300 miles away doing my best to get back. All I've been doing.

I think she's tapped in the head. When she doesn't get her way she tries to turn it on me. It's so subtle though as far as I'm concerned.

Just looking for thoughts.

OP posts:

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:22

Why are you waiting until you get a new house to tell the children you are separating? It must be very confusing for them that you don’t live with them anymore.

Why don’t you close the UC credit claim and make your own now? Although if you plan to have the children 50% but they “live” with your ex you won’t really get anything from them anyway will you? Are you unemployed? Apologies if you covered this and I missed it.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:24

Your ex is also not being unreasonable asking to have your own children, especially so far ahead. Of course she keeps asking as she will need to get another babysitter instead of you can’t have them. Can you get a hotel for a night?
Don’t worry about not having beds/tv on the earlier date. Get a blow up mattress and ask for the children to bring their iPads assuming they have one.

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:24

Already told them 2 months ago when we finally split.

I cannot claim until I have my own place.

They will be with me 50% of the time, so I can claim. She earns too much to claim anyway, but is keeping the existing claim we used to have together going.

OP posts:

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:27

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

27th is fine. I'm working on that and Ive told her that so am finalising things but will let her know ASAP e.g next 5 or so days. Then today she throws 5th in me and I answer honestly and nicely that I don't think I can do that. Then she turns.

OP posts:

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:29

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

I am 300 miles away. I looked after my kids and her step kids for nearly 3 years so she could study. I left financially ruined had to go back to parents. I'm not going to get a hotel 300 miles away so she can go out.

OP posts:

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:30

Sorry her kids, my step kids

OP posts:

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:32

Since UC is all online now, can you not use the address of where you are staying now to start the claim?
Glad that you have already agreed that you can claim for the children for while they stay with you if you do end up having them 50%
So is she giving you the money from the existing claim for now? Despite you not living with her?
How does it work that as a couple with children you get UC but as a single parent with children she doesn’t get anything?
Are you planning on not having the children at all until you have a new home?

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:36

Hope you don’t mind all the questions. Just trying to see what the actual problems are.
I’m not sure the ex is doing anything wrong except possibly blackmailing you with the UC but even that seems strange as she’s allowing you to claim for the children in the future.

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:36

You can't claim UC until you have your own place or kids 50% of the time.

I have had to go back to my parents.

Until I get a place I can't claim.

We had a joint claim but she started earning lots of money so doesn't actually get any UC but still has the claim / account with the kids on it. She needs to close it so that I can claim or I need to contest it. But I need a place before I can claim which I am working on.

OP posts:

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:39

Have you asked her if she would like you to stay in her home and look after the children so that she can go away?
That seems like a reasonable compromise so that you don’t have to pay for a hotel you cannot afford right now, and she still gets to go.

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:40

Okay.

I've told her I'm getting a place soon.

She's asked me about the 27th Nov, which I've said I am hoping I can do/will have a place by then but don't want to say it's 100% because it's been difficult trying to find a place on low income.

Then she asks me if I can do the 5th. I say probably not because if I sign, I won't be able to move in until at least the 5th.

Then she gets ardent.

OP posts:

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:42

Arsey

No F'ing way I am staying in that home with her nightmare kids. A thief a liar and a cheat is her youngest. That I do not like or want to be around. Stolen from me, my young kids and every possible person in our family and ex husbands family.

OP posts:

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:43

Okay so financially it makes sense about that UC. I would however work on closing the old claim ASAP. Do you not know the log in details to close it yourself? If not you need to contest it now as it will likely take a while to investigate and close that account then for you to make a new claim and that to process. You will have rent and children to feed for months without money.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:46

Okay so staying in her home doesn’t sound like a solution.
She is not being unreasonable to ask though and I think despite not getting along it’s important to still be around for the children.
You’ve moved 300 miles away from the children which I totally get is to stay with your parents but you now have no way to see your children?

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:48

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

When I left I removed myself from it. Even though she is now earning about 4K a month she kept it going. She is willing to hand it over to me she won't until I am back.

My point is, when she didn't get what she wanted regarding the 5th she subtly threatened that she won't close it, even though she doesn't use or need it , until I'm back ad able to gave my kids so she can go away.

OP posts:

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:48

How can you earn more money? As lack of money is preventing you getting a hotel to care for the children, getting a new place and the UC claim is an added stress to you right now when your marriage has broken down. Do you have a long term career plan? X

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 02:50

I understand she is using the claim to blackmail you.
So you want the claim left open to avoid having to reclaim and the time that takes?
Is that possible with a change of address?

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:54

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

I really don't think your getting it.

I was the main carer for 3 years.
Looked after the house, my kids and hers. Cooked cleaned, homeschooled, homework, school run, emotional support. I tried to run my business and a new skill whilst doing all this.

She studied a tough masters 6 days a week. But only had to focus on that.

My business went downs due to Covid. Relationship failed, I left, gave no money, went back to parents as only option.

I want my kids with me, but I cannot afford to spend the limited money I have to look after them so she can go out/away. Every bit of money I spend right now takes away any money I have to oay rent deposit and buy furniture/beds.

OP posts:

Original poster

1MillionDollars · 27/10/2021 02:59

As in...Travelling 300 miles to stay in a hotel so she can go away. Not possible or cost effective. I'd have nothing left and would not be able to ever get back to the city where my kids are.

OP posts:

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 03:04

I completely get things are rubbish right now, and I do understand why.
However that’s happened and can’t be changed.
So now you need to focus on building a future for you and your children.

I do understand that you are upset that she is financially stable, has a home and the children and is going out and living her life.
Meanwhile right now you are in a bad position.
That doesn’t mean she is wrong in asking you to take care of your children twice in a month though.

It’s rubbish that you provided support for her to build herself up and now the relationship ends and you don’t get to cash in on the rewards.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 27/10/2021 03:09

I was just thinking that as you do need to see your children at some point, It may as well be when it helps her out also. Team work. No doubt one day you will need a favour off her and you don’t want to get into a cycle of not helping each other out.

I understand if a hotel is not within your budget for a couple of nights.
How are you seeing the children currently then? X

Pinkbucket · 27/10/2021 03:10

@1MillionDollars

Arsey

Wow you seem to really hate her children, especially the youngest . How were you towards these children when you were ‘ the full time carer ‘ ? I find it very hard to believe any child would not sense that type of hostility. Some children do have issues, yes some behave badly but YOURE supposed to be the adult and whether you like it or not this is your childrens sibling .

InPraiseOfLadyGrey · 27/10/2021 03:14

She sounds emotionally abusive. If she's been rotten for 12yrs she's not going to suddenly start being reasonable now. She knows you can't realistically have the DC until you have a home. She knows it's difficult for you to find a home in your current situation. But she's not going to be patient because she's an unreasonable person. So you need to stop expecting it, then you won't be disappointed. It's time to get good assertiveness skills if you don't already possess them. You're going to need them dealing with her. Don't worry about how she feels, her feelings are no longer your problem, you don't have to passify her. Be reasonable yourself, be a good person your DC can look up to. If she snipes at you over nothing let it wash away. Her issues aren't yours.

You're in a tricky situation that's going to be a nightmare to fix. Do you have a job to go to in the area you want to move to? If you have you'll find it easier to get a landlord to accept you than if you're unemployed. It's all going to take as long as it takes. Factor in self care and looking after your mental health to counteract the nonsense that'll be coming from your ex. You need to be there emotionally for the DC and you can't do that if you're caving in under stress yourself.

Once you've got a place you can get furniture and white goods from Facebook, larger charity shops, "starter home" charities if you're on benefits and there's any in your area, the local tip recycling center shop, or possibly a government grant/low interest loan.

altmember · 27/10/2021 16:34

The 5th November is too short notice, especially as you don't have a house/anywhere to accommodate the kids (at best it'll be the day you're moving house, which is completely impractical). As she only wants you to have them that date for her own convenience, she should be the one to put you and them up in a hotel, as a compromise.

As soon as you're in, start the UC claim (tell her you've done it), and ask her to close hers, or comply with the dispute process. Don't wait for her to close her own claim, as that leaves her in control of the process, and she could muck you about.

However, the difficulty you will have with a dispute is that only the primary carer is entitled to claim UC. Even if you have true 50/50 care of the kids, the system will only acknowledge one parent as the primary carer. It sounds like she's stayed in the family home, so that'll still be the kids' official address on record everywhere, and it'll leave her looking like the primary carer. You'd need to update their address everywhere - school, GP, dentist, etc.

How far away from her is the house you're hoping to rent?
Who is in receipt of the child benefit? That's a significant indicator of who the primary carer is.

Munchkinpumpkin · 27/10/2021 21:21

Dunno but im sorry for you.. this is a rubbish situation.. things always get better, take a deep breath, get ur place sorted, and dont get involved in conversation with her.. you will have the kids as soon as u can and that is all u need to say, stay in close touch with them if u can though good luck

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