Dad's cancer diagnosis and other people's comments

[CouldBeReady]

My dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer and is about to start treatment. Obviously it's a very worrying time.

Lots of people seem to want to tell me about their own family member's experience of this particular cancer, rather than just let me talk about how I'm feeling or how my dad is. I already have family experience of this cancer and the outcome was very sad.

I don't want to upset people when I'm sure their comments come from a place of trying to be helpful. But I really don't want to hear it at the moment.

Does anyone have any suggestions of things I could say in the moment?

Thanks so much.

I am so sorry, @CouldBeReady, what a scary place you must be in.

I would ask them what helped them when they were in the same position.

Would this thread be somewhere to ask?

I’m so sorry to interrupt but I don’t really feel able at the moment to listen to what other people have been through with cancer, my head isn’t in the right place. Is it okay if we talk about something else?

I get OP that you want to talk about what’s going on with your dad but I think it’ll be difficult to pivot from the above to doing that with most people, people might not take it well and might struggle to accept you wanting to talk about him while telling them not to talk about their loved one (while it being a perfectly reasonable need). Maybe just use the script to stop people in their tracks and focus on talking to others about your dad in conversations you initiate.

@CouldBeReady

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad - I know exactly how you feel, I felt like this with my Mums diagnosis (but I'll stop there as it's not about me!)

I had some counselling with the local hospice that I found useful - my own outlet and time to talk about the things I wanted to talk about and it was really good.

I think tho the thing that came out was sometimes people aren't sure what to say in these situations and sometimes feel talking about their own experiences is almost "something to say" but I appreciate its not helpful as I've been on the receiving end myself.

I trained myself to say "I'm so sorry to hear about your mum/dad/aunt but I'm at a different stage to you in this process and I'm still coming to terms with the diagnosis/prognosis" and taking a little control helped as it stops people int heir tracks

People are only trying to help but I agree it's not

Sending love 💗

I think it’s a normal reaction to share your own experience with someone if they are going through the same thing you did, especially if it gives the recipient hope.

You can just say you don’t want to talk about it and change the subject, I’m sure they would be happy to not talk about it too, it’s not a nice topic, cancer is such evil.

They are trying to empathise by relating it to their own experience. Trying to make you feel less alone in what you are going through. I really think, generally, it comes from a kind place. Having said that, if it isn't what you need right now then it's fine to change the subject or explain you are not ready to hear other experiences just yet. Cancer is traumatic and even many years later talking through what happened can be helpful to them. I know it's not about them right now but unfortunately our experiences and feelings don't exist in isolation and it can bring it all back.

Just say you are trying to absorb the news and focus on what is happening with your dad. Politely let them know you would like to share their experiences at a later date but for now all you can concentrate on is your dad

They are trying to empathise, it’s a normal thing for them to say.
But you can just say “Sorry but I just can’t hear these stories at the moment, I just want to think about my dad”

Just change the subject of you don’t want to hear about others experiences don’t talk about yours and what your going threw with them

This is the reason why OH hasn't told anyone about his cancer. Literally only I and his mother know. No one else, no friends, other family, etc. He saw how people react when his father had it and it became the sole topic of conversation. He doesn't want that, he just wants to carry on as normal and not get into the "pity party" where cancer dominates every conversation.

I got this when I was diagnosed, I didn't mind the helpful practical advice and the reassurance that chemo symptoms aren't instantaneous.
But the relentless positivity from people who's cousin, friend, sister went through it ten years ago and are fine now was too much.
I just smiled and nodded and changed the subject, some people can't cope with accepting things are shit. This is their issue, not yours and not mine.
It did change some relationships as you naturally turn more to people who just let you talk and can deal with uncertainty and sadness.
Best of luck to your Dad 🍀

I think it’s so hard to know how to react in this situation, most people haven’t got a clue.

They probably think they are empathetic and presumably their stories have positive endings if they are telling you. Everyone is so different in how they deal with these situations.

I have a friend who is having treatment herself and I never know whether to send texts directly asking about the treatment, or send general texts like hope you’re ok, or send texts about completely different things. I don’t want to offend or upset her, don’t want to look like I’m being nosey but don’t want to look like I don’t care. I opt for option 3.

I do sympathise with your situation and can only suggest the direct approach, as suggested above.

Thank you for everyone who's taken the time to respond (and for the well wishes ❤️).

I do understand the intent behind these comments.

I'm grateful for those who have given me ideas of things to say in the moment. It's been really helpful.

I heard so many stories from friends,family members and coworkers about people they knew who had cancer,mostly cancer that recurred and caused untimely deaths when I was diagnosed four years ago-I'd honestly rather have people say nothing than to blurt those depressing stories out to me. Best of luck OP for your father's fight

I had two parents with cancer. One was a cancer survivor, and the other not and died of another issue at a later date. My advice to you as a child/ carer would be to keep a distance from anyone wishing to discuss this issue with you, esp. while your brain is processing the diagnosis. My own experience included some voyeurs of the misery, and a few professionals who dwelled on issues too. I stopped anyone talking about the elephant in the room, as everyone is different and the outcome is personal. Some survive, some do not...and stories of others experiences does not really help as you ride this rollercoaster. This is a personal issue in your family. If you need emotional support, ask one of the cancer charities or an organisation allied to the hospital for counselling. It is so much easier to speak to a professional counsellor who you can discuss your experience with (helped me anyway).

We had a bereavement last year. We had a similar reaction, people wanted to tell us about their experiences. We were never sure whether they were off-loading, or trying to be empathetic. Maybe a mixture if both.

I know how you feel OP, the same happened to me when my Dad was diagnosed.

I was astonished by a neighbour who was a nurse working at our Cancer Agency. She said oh, I always recognize the old men with [my Dad's cancer] sitting in their chairs slumped down because of the collapsed vertebrae in their backs.

I was both horrified and upset at the same time.

I learned to try and ignore others and focus on how my Dad was doing.

I am sorry about your Dad OP.

OP, it is a natural thing. It shows empathy towards you. The speaker is telling you that they had a similar experience, so they can understand your feelings. And if things turned up well, then it gives you some hope.
Maybe what you are needing at the moment is a hand hold, and a I know how you are feeling, and if you need anything, call me. But people are not reading this in you at the moment.
It is a tough thing to face. If it bothers you too much to listen as PP says, interrupt and just say you are not in the right frame of mind to talk about right now. They will understand you.

When my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer thankfully we didn't know anyone who had been diagnosed with this cancer. The one thing that would have helped us we never got, support from McMillan or any other support organisations. My dad was simply given his diagnosis & sent on his way to await appointments for a pre op & admission date after being told he would most likely lose his bladder & spend the rest of his life with a stoma & bag. He wasn't told if he would need chemotherapy or radiotherapy, how long he would need to recover or the chances of him being in remission, he was left almost a month before having his pre op with a surgeon who told him he would do anything he could to spare his bladder, he was very lucky & the operation was a success, his cancer turned out to be stage 1a, the only treatment he had was one BCG treatment when he returned from theatre. That month from diagnosis to seeing his surgeon was awful both for him & for us, we didn't know how long we would have him for, the only information we had was what myself & my brother found exploring the Internet. We were lucky, we had my dad for 10 years after his diagnosis & it was something else that sadly took him from us that wasn't cancer related.