Further to The Affair

[Bobbie1976]

Posted this in my initial thread the other day, but don't think anyone has seen it.

You guys were right. I seem to have outlived my usefullness regarding the affair and now that she has got someone to go ahead with her little poison pen letter she doesn't seem to want anything to do with me.

I've been having issues with a relationship of my own, my own self esteem and loneliness since my Mum died last year and when I try to talk to her she becomes overly defensive, nasty and has even snapped at me a few times. I have been v v upset struggling with my own mental health today and she has walked away each time.

Despite the validation and patience and support I've tried to give her over the past year since her affair started, she will give me no positive things to cling to with regards to my own situation.

I am very very hurt - yet if I express that hurt she will still find a reason within my story to find a way to bring it back to if this guy is still thinking about her and if he wonders where she is.

I'm literally exhausted and don't know what I've done to deserve this.

Sorry it's not clear exactly what your situation is, making it difficult to comment. What does the poison pen letter bit mean?

If your P wants to talk about her OM she sounds selfish.

I'm a bit confused. Is your friend having an affair with a married man and you have been her confidant?

Did you post about this recently? Your friend wanted you to buy gloves and write a letter to the man she's infatuated with?!

So you're friends with an OW who wants to write an anonymous letter to the wife? (Yeah, the MM will never guess where that came from.)

I can't see how this is in any way your problem, or what you owe her?

Op, everyone, including myself, who responded to your original thread told you to get shot of this woman.

She is not your friend and she is completely unhinged. You will never get support from her because all she cares about is herself. She's a horrible person. Like I said in my response the first time, you desperately need to work on your boundaries and standards.

Yes sorry, I just wanted to provide an update guys as she has completely turned on me now I won't do what she has asked.

Sorry for not being clearer - my original thread was Stuck in the middle of an affair.

I really appreciate your original advice x

@BarefootHippieChick

Did you post about this recently? Your friend wanted you to buy gloves and write a letter to the man she's infatuated with?!

That's the one. I refused and now she's shouting at me every time I try to ask her anything. We work together and are the only two females in our dept.

Tell her to pack it in and behave professionally or you'll go to HR/line management.

And go to HR/line management on the quiet anyway and say your friendship has broken down and you're having some issues, in case she decides to get in first and badmouth you.

You can't have this at work. Tell her to act professionally. That's her business and let her get on with this, you do you.

I think the term narcissist is banded around far too often on here, but in this case I think that's exactly what your 'friend' is.

@category12

Tell her to pack it in and behave professionally or you'll go to HR/line management.

And go to HR/line management on the quiet anyway and say your friendship has broken down and you're having some issues, in case she decides to get in first and badmouth you.

This.

I remember your last thread. She wanted you to be complicit in harassment.

"Your mental health is bad right now and you're asking me to be complicit in harassment. I will not ever be complicit in such behaviour. Please feel free to contact me in a month if you've worked through this issue but until you've done so, I can't stay in touch as it would be essentially condoning and enabling you to sabotage yourself. This has to stop and for my own wellbeing I need to take a step back. As someone who has been patient and understanding to you so far, please respect that I need this break and don't contact me about anything unrelated to work. I hope you can seek help and I will support you doing that, but I will not be drawn into behaviour that is unhealthy and destructive. That is what makes me a true friend. Let's chat in a month and see where things stand."

Thanks everyone! While I have pulled back I'm afraid the situation has deteriorated and I'm actually worried she is having a breakdown. She is texting me nightly and saying 'do you think he's thinking of me?' 'This is the last straw I'm finished my life is over' etc.

Worse for me is that although I have taken the advice above, she seems to be turning on me in a very subtle way. I have a potential new relationship budding and when I have tried to ask her what she thinks, she is derogatory about it, almost like she wants to see it ruined for me because I wouldn't take part in her revenge plan.

I only chat to her in work - but the texts are becoming more frequent and eating into my evenings. I am naturally a helpful person and don't want to see her do anything stupid to herself or to someone else.

I've just seen a side of her I don't like lately and I'm frightened. I've also noticed that when I do ask her any questions, she turns the conversation back to herself and doesn't even answer what I've asked.

I don't know how to help her anymore and I fear one day I'm going to get a call to say she's taken her life or something. She seems so destroyed over this but I can't deal with how she seems to want to punish me too for not helping more.

Thanks everyone again.

She’s harassing you, you need to cover your own back and report her to someone at work

Thanks Tilly, I feel I am ready to do something about it. I already struggle with my own mental health and I genuinely did want to help her, I didn't realise it would turn nasty.