Not the only woman in the world this has ever happened to

[darislem]

If you were trying to talk to another woman after you had found out your husband had been having sex with prostitutes, and they said 'you're not the only woman in the world this has ever happened to you know', what would you say back in return?

I would say 'probably not, but that doesn't make it any less awful to deal with'.

Is this woman a friend? Perhaps she's been through similar, or she might not be the friend to talk to about it.

How insensitive. Hope you are ok

I would ditch them as a friend

I’d say “is there something you want to share about your husband?”

It depends on her tone of voice.

She could be saying:
“Don’t worry, you’re not the only one, I have a lot of sympathy for you as it happened to me”
Or
“Get over it, it happens to everyone”

More context required.

I'd think she was trying to tell me it's happened to her, but she was clumsy in saying it.

I'd say.

"Does that make how I feel any less worthy?".

Then say nothing and wait for a reply.

Maybe she meant you are not alone in a kind way. Maybe it happened to her. Clumsy though. I can see this would come across as minimising and unsympathetic.

I'd assume she wanted to have sex

I would immediately change the subject with her to a completely neutral topic. “I’m sorry I’m just going to stop talking about this now, how was your xxxx”

Internally though I would strongly determine that she didn’t share my values and that she was minimising and being dismissive of my experiences and therefore she is not a good person for me to be vulnerable with, certainly on this but quite possibly on anything.

Her husband cheated on her but not with prostitutes. She stayed with him. I assume she was trying to say 'it happened to me' but at the time I took it literally and I was enraged that she was minimising and assuming me to be so stupid that I thought this had never happened before.
It was his mother.

I'd assume it's a sensitive topic for her and change the subject.

Minimising , it’s grim don’t don’t be fobbed off it’s a normal thing ....it isn’t !

@darislem

Her husband cheated on her but not with prostitutes. She stayed with him. I assume she was trying to say 'it happened to me' but at the time I took it literally and I was enraged that she was minimising and assuming me to be so stupid that I thought this had never happened before. It was his mother.

She stayed with the man who cheated on her and you're berating (quite rightly) her son for doing the same thing (almost).

She's not really the right person to discuss it with.

darislem don’t take it personally it is likely she literally cannot be on your side or even neutral on this issue because she is in denial about the man her son is. If you engage with her on this she will just try to rationalise any old nonsense (as you have already heard) she will try to justify (as you have already heard) and she will likely continue to dismiss or deny your experiences in this. All of those behaviours are extremely hurtful but also confusing when you are going through something so traumatic. You need to only speak to people who genuinely support you in their words and in their actions. Put extremely strict boundaries in place with your mother in law around the topic. This is her weakness as a person not something you need to address for her.

You talked to his mother about it?

Unless you've got a particularly special relationship, I don't think she's going to give you the support you need. I'm sorry this has happened.

@DrSbaitso

You talked to his mother about it?

Unless you've got a particularly special relationship, I don't think she's going to give you the support you need. I'm sorry this has happened.

Thanks, I realise that now. There was a lot of pressure for me to go and see her as I was hearing secondhand that she was asking could she come and see me/I go and see her, that she cares about me as much as about her own children, etc. I resisted for weeks then felt like I should see her if she wanted to see me. I should have trusted my gut. I just wish someone from that family had told me of their misogynistic attitude to male infidelity before I married him. You live and learn.

Namechange fail OP x

I'd probably wonder just how much I'd been going on about TBH.

There's only so much friends can do

I'd think what a twat you are and I'd say that doesn't make it acceptable. He's scum.

Well you might well have thought that, if he was any kind of man, he'd be disgusted at how his father treated his mother and not want to be like him. It's not your fault that he's even less of a man than that.

Very sad when the behaviour that is modelled by a father to his son is repeated by the son.

I think she was most probably trying to make you feel not so alone.

I could be wrong.. dependent on her tone

I wouldn't talk to her about it. I'd think she's trying to justify her lack of action and saying you can tolerate it, like she has. Certainly minimising your feelings. Even if your husband wasn't her son, it's not the kind of response that is ever sympathetic and understanding, is it?