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Relationships

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Original poster

Help me break up with a ‘nice’ guy

22 replies

Soconfused45 · 26/10/2021 14:14

I’ve posted a few times under different names. I’ve been with my new boyfriend for a year now, only dating eachother.
I have 2 young sons under 5. He has not met them yet, it’s not something I ever see happening.
We have fun, I like seeing him when I get the chance. But I know he sees this as a long term serious relationship. I’ve been very clear that I’m still processing my divorce and while I do love him I don’t plan on living with anyone again although my mind may change. I would actually love to feel head over heels again about someone but I feel far too skeptical to ever allow that after a bad divorce following the ‘love of my life’s’ affair.
This relationship doesn’t feel right as we aren’t on the same page. I’ve talked to him lots of times about it and he says he is happy to go at my pace and while I should probably listen and believe that, I don’t think it’s fair because I know I have my doubts.
I honestly feel it’s a case of ‘it’s not you it’s me’, I jumped into a relationship thinking I was ready but I’ve realised I’m not.
Previous posts of mine have gotten replies saying that I should enjoy it and not martyr myself but that doesn’t feel right. I think he’s just so agreeable at the minute to anything I say but I ultimately want him to have a fulfilling relationship with the things he wants (living together, a child etc). I can’t give him that now, maybe later on but possibly not.
Would it be kinder to end it? I would miss him and I would probably be a bit lonely as I’m used to us talking and supporting eachother but, as much as he says he is happy to stay as it is, I know it’s not actually what he hopes for.
I feel like I need more time to grieve the end of my marriage and work on myself. I would love to live happily ever after with someone but I don’t feel in that place to even contemplate that myself yet.
I’ve never broken up with someone before, I don’t know what to say to him? I worry I’ll start the conversation but it will end as it always does with him saying we can go at my pace.

OP posts:

zafferana · 26/10/2021 14:18

If you're worried about saying it OP, write it down and send it. You've communicated your feelings and reasons very well in your post, so just say that. You don't need a reason to break up with him other than it doesn't feel right. End of story. And please put at the end that you don't want to go 'at your own pace', you've made your decision and it is final.

onthegrindbaby · 26/10/2021 14:24

Yes, I think it would be kinder to end it - mostly to yourself. I once had a boyfriend like this. He was more into me than me into him. I told him I thought we should break up because of that and he said he knew this and was fine with it - much like yours. Now mine was, I realised later, a manipulative bastard and I found myself years later engaged to him on the back of a joke (his joke!) That he then proclaimed to be true to everybody around us. Now your guy might be a genuinely nice one, but it still stands that you shouldn't be in a relationship where you feel uncomfortable and where you feel unrealistic expectations placed on yourself. You are allowed to break up with him because you need time to be yourself, you don't owe him timejust because he likes you.

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 14:53

He is a guy so he could still have kids for many years to come.

If you feel like you want to be single, you dont have to justify it.

But don't be so arrogant as to claim you're breaking up with him for him. Because that's bullshit. He has told you he is fine with how things are so take him at his word and stop projecting what you think he should want from you, onto him.

Original poster

Soconfused45 · 26/10/2021 14:57

@Pinkbonbon

He is a guy so he could still have kids for many years to come.

If you feel like you want to be single, you dont have to justify it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’m not breaking up with him just ‘to be single’ and it’s definitely not an arrogance thing. I honestly don’t think it’s fair on him, he clearly sees this as a very serious relationship and wants to progress it forward but is happy to wait until I’m ready to do those things. I’m not sure I ever will be? So I really am breaking up with him so he can hopefully have those things, as he genuinely deserves them. Rather then wait for me to sort my head out, however long that may take

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 15:01

But people have many serious relationships throughout life.If you're enjoying eachothers company then what difference does it make if it ends now or 5 years from now? You're not depriving him of anything. He can meet someone new in five years after having had a fun 5 years with you.

It would be different perhaps if he was the woman and you knew for certain kids were not on the table. But as is, you're making something out of nothing.

Original poster

Soconfused45 · 26/10/2021 15:06

I guess I just wouldn’t want to be in his shoes if I thought he felt like this

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 15:07

I mean,it sounds like you are self sabotaging tbh. Do you think you don't deserve to be happy? Was their abuse in your past relationship or do you suffer from low self esteem in general? Why do you think you're not good enough for someone you love?

Heck even if you knew for a fact you would actually be together forever and you would never want marriage or kids, if you loved him all that time, he might decide that that love was good enough. Some people never find that bond with someone. He has the right to choose what he wants for himself. And right now, he is choosing you. Show him the respect of believing he knows his own mind. And yes, stop being a martyr.

Mybalconyiscracking · 26/10/2021 15:07

Pinkbonbon

Blimey, harsh! At no point did I see OP’s post as arrogant, if she believes that he believes things will get more serious and she knows that they will not, then of course she is splitting up for his good as well as her own.

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 15:08

*there

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 15:11

@Mybalconyiscracking

Pinkbonbon

She has discussed it with him and he has said that he is happy the way things are. There is absolutely an air of arrogance in deciding for him that actually it isn't good enough. I'm not saying it makes op a bad guy or anything but how would you like it if you said 'i just like being with you' to someone and then he said 'no, you will want to marry me and have babies so I'm going to split up with you'.

ValerieCupcake · 26/10/2021 15:11

@zafferana

I love your user name. Totally irrelevant to the post, but it is what I call my cat.

misskatamari · 26/10/2021 15:16

I don’t know, I think the “happy to take it at her pace” thing really does imply that he expects the relationship to go somewhere where the OP doesn’t think it will likely ever go. That would feel like pressure to me. As it implies that he’s okay with the way things are for now, but sooner or later, expects OP to take the relationship as seriously as he wants to.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to end it OP. If you want to be single and work on yourself, you don’t need to justify it. If you’re not on the same page, I can understand you wanting out, as his attitude, while on the surface it sounds lovely, wouldn’t sit right with me either

Pinkbonbon · 26/10/2021 15:18

Is it possible infact that you are scared of him deciding he wants those things further down the line and breaking up with you? And you think that would hurt you way more than if you broke up with him now?

Perfectly understandable. But again, you'd be breaking up with him for you. Not for selfless reasons. And you could argue that it is sensible. But also, that it is (sorry) cowardly. And depriving you of something that could have continued to be lovely, perhaps indefinitely.

litterbird · 26/10/2021 15:27

Please break up with him, you are not on the same page and you are not that into him. You are doing him a disservice as you are not ready to be in a long term relationship. He needs to be with someone who wants the same thing as he does. Do it today so he can start to get on with his life. You need to be alone for a while to grieve your marriage and for goodness sake dont jump into any other rebound relationships. You just will continue to use and hurt people.

Itsbeen84yearss · 26/10/2021 15:30

‘ I just don’t feel a spark. I want to break up’. It doesn’t have to be dramatic

Clandestin · 26/10/2021 15:34

I don’t think you should be second-guessing him, or breaking up with him ‘for his own good’, because you think he’s grad over heels and planning surprise proposals and poring over baby name books. You should break up with someone for your own reasons, because you would prefer to not be in a relationship with them.

Original poster

Soconfused45 · 26/10/2021 15:38

Thanks for all the advice. Maybe I am doing it for myself? I don’t know, I think about it so much I’ve probably over killed it.
I would be happy to continue to enjoy nice dates etc but I know deep down those things he wants, he won’t get from me, so I do genuinely think it would be kinder to him for me to end it.maybe that’s selfish too?

OP posts:

Natty13 · 26/10/2021 16:07

So he has said he's happy to take things at your pace. Have you told him that you might never want those things? If so, how did he respond to that?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 16:34

You don't want to be with him anymore. Whether that's out of guilt you can't give him what he wants, anxiety you are on different pages or whatever, you don't want to be with him because it's causing you anxiety. And that's totally ok!

It's ok for us to do things that might make someone sad if it's the right thing to do. We are just trained as women to believe that if a man is nice then we are mean to break up with them!

"I've been thinking and this relationship isn't working for me any more so I think it's best we stop seeing each other. I wish you all the best and thank you for some lovely times. I hope you can respect my decision as I've thought long and hard about this as I want to be sure, and my mind is made up."

Something like that. And if he doesn't respect your decision, which previously 'nice guys' often don't... and he bombards you then block him.

Onelifeonly · 26/10/2021 17:21

Follow your heart. He isn't what you want long term and you feel uneasy staying for the time being. It's not your fault or his but you're entitled to live the life you want.

Tell him you have enjoyed his company but you feel the relationship isn't what you want and you need time alone to process what that is. He will survive!

Onelifeonly · 26/10/2021 17:25

Re reading your OP it sounds like you have been hoping he will take the hint and leave you. He hasn't and doesn't want to, so you need to be brave.

zafferana · 26/10/2021 21:03

@Onelifeonly

Re reading your OP it sounds like you have been hoping he will take the hint and leave you. He hasn't and doesn't want to, so you need to be brave.

I agree. Bottom line OP, you're just not feeling it and therefore however nice he is, he's not the one for you. Let him go. Hopefully you'll both meet someone who is right in the future.

@ValerieCupcake 😻

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