My husband is making me incredibly anxious

[Wordsmith]

I have been married forever and have 2 sons, one of whom still lives at home. My husband has always been a glass half empty-type of person, but lately his depression has been having a really bad effect on me. Everything is going to end badly, nothing is going right for him, there's no hope, everybody is out to get him... that sort of thing.

I am freelance and responsible for the vast majority of the household income so that's enough pressure in itself. Ever since covid my work has been up and down, but since he moved to a term time only, low paid job the pressure is even greater.

I can cope with all of that - we are OK financially although pretty stretched and with very little flexibility in budgets - but what I CAN'T cope with on top of that is the yelling and shouting from him whenever he's in the grip of one of his cycles of doom.

Anything can set it off - a bad day at work, someone saying the wrong thing to him... he incubates the feelings of worthlessness until they erupt like a volcano over anyone near him (generally me).

He's not violent physically, but I get shouted at because something has happened ( most of the time I have no idea what it is), and I've tried to help him out or suggested a solution, and it hasn't worked, so I'm trying to 'control him' or 'have everything my way'. This is making me feel sick, shaky and tearful and all I want to do is run away. I am pretty constantly anxious.

He always apologises but it's almost as though it's perfectly reasonable for him to behave like this and it just gets a bit much sometimes. But it's not reasonable - he needs to be able to control his emotions and not inflict them on those who are closest to him.

He feel guilt because he 'doesn't earn enough', not that I care about what he earns. He cannot cope with any level of stress. Virtually every job he has had has affected him this way and he's painted himself into a corner, career-wise. He's only a few years to retirement and really has very little room for manoeuvre now. He knows this and I think this is the cause of his frustration.

The point is, I don't feel I can cope with this any more. I know I should leave him. I'm pretty sure if I do, though, it will probably be the end for him. He will do something stupid. We certainly cannot afford to have 2 homes and there are no relatives he could move in with.

My 17-year old son still lives at home and is at a critical stage in his education and career prospects. He is already affected by our arguments and I don't want to cause him any more misery.

I don't want to break up my marriage of over 30 years but what else can I do? My husband has refused point blank to go to counselling or seek any help. I seriously think he believes his behaviour is manageable.

The way he speaks with 'everybody', 'everything', 'always' etc. is common to people who catastrophize. This of couse is not his only issue as allied with blaming others, guilt etc. You already know that one solution is for him to get therapy. A reason he may not want to could be financial given your situation so chat to him about it and try to reassure him that any money spent is more than worthwhile.

If he does not want to engage with a therapist or at the very least try self-help via YouTube, podcasts, reading and so on. then unfortunately he will more than likely continue to get worse and become depressed, if he is not already.

Remember that only he can be responsible for himself and you are not there to fix him. Try to protect yourself and your family but if it becomes worse, especially for the 'children' then you may have to face up to a more difficult solution.

Good luck

What are you getting out of this now?.

Many abusive men cite depression as an excuse/reason to justify what is really abuse and abusive behaviour towards others.

What is he like towards people in the outside world; I would think that in polite company he is all sweetness and light. Its behind closed doors that his true nature emerges.

You are not responsible for your H anyway, let alone when you have separated from him. He may or just as likely may not do something stupid; again what he does going forward is not down to you. He has seemingly though made you fully responsible and/or accountable for all his behaviours. The fact he is not physically violent is no consolation at all; he is verbally and emotionally violent and its but a small step between that and physicality. He saying that he will not seek help or counselling is also very telling (these men never go to counselling willingly if at all and such men also feel they're above all what some counsellor is going to tell them).

He's done this because he can and feels absolutely entitled to do so. With such types of abusive men too its always everyone else's fault but their own. You've ended up being his personal punchbag over the years to take swipes at.

I would seek legal advice asap with a view to leaving your H. Your children have also been affected by their dad's emotionally abusive behaviour too towards you, and in turn them. What do you think they've learnt about relationships from you two?. Do not further make this your legacy to them. He likely won't make any aspect of you separating from him at all straight forward also because he will fully realise his cushy life with you is coming to an end. You're still under no obligation to stay with him.

Contacting Womens Aid would not go amiss either. You may also want to read "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven.

If he feels guilty that he doesn't earn enough, why doesn't he switch back to full time?

He sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Can you ever discuss this calmly and rationally with him?

My husband has refused point blank to go to counselling or seek any help.

Sorry, but in that case I would please. Or your own mental health is at risk.

If he feels guilty that he doesn't earn enough, why doesn't he apply for a job that earns more?

He sounds like an abusive arsehole who is used to you being his whipping post, so he can take it out on you, then apologise and carry on as before. Stop enabling him.

This is not normal. It's not right. And you deserve better.

What does your son who is still at home make of it?

He is depressed because he is angry, not because he is depressed. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

What are his parents like OP: does one or even worse both of them act at all similarly?.

This is really no environment for you and your children here to remain in and I would plan the exit from this with due care and attention.

'leave' not 'please'. Typo.

"The point is, I don't feel I can cope with this any more. I know I should leave him. I'm pretty sure if I do, though, it will probably be the end for him. He will do something stupid. We certainly cannot afford to have 2 homes and there are no relatives he could move in with. "

OP - I was in a similar situation for 20 years with my ex DH. I also worried that if I left him, he would never survive, emotionally and financially. But eventually things got so bad I just said "enough, I'm wasting my life being unhappy with this person." And once I made the decision to leave him, an enormous weight lifted off me. I was not responsible for him and his happiness and never had been.

Neither are you! We all only have one life to live, don't waste it in sacrifice to another.

We've now been separated for over a year and while it's been tough for him, he has survived and honestly I think he is better now mentally knowing he is responsible for himself and not dependent on me.

My husband has refused point blank to go to counselling or seek any help.

Well, there it is then, isn't it? Your husband is the one who has left you with no other alternative than to leave him. He is an abusive bully, and his "depression" is a weak excuse.

I would be telling him today that the marriage is over, and don't allow him to gaslight you into believing he might do "something stupid." You are not responsible for the choices he makes.

I pretty much agree with Cowboy. I think it’s who he is, OP. I have an adult son who is quite a lot like this. I think its underlying issues and sad to see. But impossible to live with without driving me mad. It was really only after he left home I started to feel more myself again. Even now he’s left so many interactions with him are shouty or blamey! Only you know what to do, but I think you have to consider yourself, your temperament your needs and your future.

Have you made it perfectly clear to him that you've reached your limits, he's routinely crossing your boundaries, and you can't deal with it anymore?

Have you said that to him, clearly and calmly?

He thinks he doesn't need help, counselling etc because it's perfectly alright to take out his foul mood on you. What a nasty, snivelling bully.

Thanks so much for your replies. A lot to think about there. I'll be back later - I have to work at the moment. But thank you. I really don't feel that i can talk to my friends or family about how I feel.

Have you expressed to him exactly how you feel the way you did here? If so, what was his response? It could be that he is not aware of how badly his behaviour is affecting the family

I seriously think he believes his behaviour is manageable.

It sounds like he thinks it's also acceptable, despite the (sounds like not sincere) apologies. It's not acceptable and you do not have to live like this. Nor should your son. It sets a bad example - both of the behaviour and your acceptance of it by staying. And by your own admission, it is affecting him.

Staying in this situation really is a sunken costs fallacy situation. Do yourself and your son a favour and leave. You are not reponsible for your husband's mental health. You are not his mental health practitioner.

My Mum left my Dad (who suffered from bipolar) after over 30 years of marriage, I was about 16 so similar age to your son, (I had 2 much older brothers too).

My Dad was also angry and a functioning alcoholic and emotionally abusive. He refused to take medication or access any counselling. He was ill but he refused help.

It was a relief once my Mum decided to leave, it was like a weight was taken off both of us and my relationship with my father actually improved. (I think I would have gone NC as soon as I was an adult if she had stayed)

Do not destroy yourself, my Mum would have ended up a husk is she stayed and it would not have helped him.

I've said this before, but my dad was exactly the same. My mum lasted 46 years and left him aged 71.
She's now very happy living in a little flat on her own. Funnily enough, many of the health problems she had then have disappeared as she is no longer living in constant stress.
When he retired and could no longer blame his job, he blamed her.
We'd told her to leave him for years and whilst I'm glad she finally did it, I feel sad that she waited all this time.
Get out.

I do need to go, I can't keep living like this. Yes, AtillatheMeerkat, everyone thinks he's a great guy. And he is, the vast majority of the time. But his temper has always been a problem. He can't just stand back and count to ten. And the phrase 'water off a duck's back' means nothing to him.

I can't believe I have put up with this for so long. I do worry what message it's sending to my sons. They don't think it's normal, but they often characterise it as the two of us arguing and fighting. I have tried to see it as a 50:50 thing but I honestly don't think it is.

He calls me 'bossy' because I do stand up for myself and I can be quite forthright. I don't know how his parents were because his Dad had passed away before I met him, but his mum (now also deceased) idolised him, he was the baby of the family and probably had everything done for him. I get the impression his Dad was quite shouty too.

I am going to have another conversation about counselling. I need him to see this isn't a problem we have but one that he has. I don't think he realises that and he certainly wouldn't admit it.

It's really hard to think about leaving something I have built up over more than 3 decades. But all my respect for him has gone. Whenever I think about a word to describe him I'd say 'flaky'. I cannot rely on him for anything. It's an awful feeling to have.

I sometimes think 'What would I do if the kids were older and had left home?' and I know what the answer would be.

I feel for you. The fact is you are being abused. He may have a MH problem, or he may just have got himself in to the habit of being a victim and almost enjoying that feeling of frustration and taking it out on you.

Whatever the reason, he is not a good husband to you and not a good father to your sons.

If he has a MH issue then he has a duty to seek help, but instead he has chosen to use you as his (emotional) punchbag and prefers making your life miserable instead.

This means he is incredibly selfish, he is self-centred, he is happy to make you anxious and unhappy. He doesn't give a thought to what messages he is sending his sons.

You say This is making me feel sick, shaky and tearful and all I want to do is run away. I am pretty constantly anxious - that is not how you should feel about living with your husband.

You say you would leave if your sons were older. What do you think your sons would say if they knew that? They would feel so guilty that they were the reason you stayed unhappy for so long. They would no doubt be much better off with a happy, calm mum who had made a stand and shown them what not to put up with in a relationship.

You deserve so much better in life.

If you feel you need to have another go (even if it's just to reassure yourself that you have done all you reasonably could) then you could set this all out to your husband, in black and white, and agree to give him time to show you he will seek help and support. But I fear that he won't change.

@Wordsmith

I sometimes think 'What would I do if the kids were older and had left home?' and I know what the answer would be.

Speaking as an adult who was that child, living in a tense, shouty, walk on eggshells, don't rock the boat whatever you do type household... you're doing them no favours at all by staying 'for them'.

It's worse than them seeing an independent and happy mum not being made the whipping boy of a man and it being normalised. Which it is, even if you think they know it's wrong. On some level, you staying with your husband means they think it's an acceptable dynamic.

MH is not a reason for his behaviour, it's an excuse. It's hard to separate MH challenges and abuse when you're in the middle of this confusing mess, but not all depressed people are abusive, in fact many depressed people would find it insulting if you'd suggest that. I only started to separate the two things in my head after doing Freedom Programme for victims of abuse.

I have tried to see it as a 50:50 thing but I honestly don't think it is.

It is 50/50 in a sense that you allow this behaviour to happen. That's your unhealthy part.

'Hope Gap' is a good movie written from the pov of an adult child in this scenario. (roles are reversed, the woman is abusive, not the man).

The point is, I don't feel I can cope with this any more. I know I should leave him. I'm pretty sure if I do, though, it will probably be the end for him.
You’re not responsible for him, his happiness, or his welfare. You cannot force him to be OK. You can only be OK yourself. By leaving.

Counselling is not going to work unless he actually believes he has a problem and actively wants to change. In any case, joint counselling is not recommended in these kinds of situations where one person is abusive.

He has had every chance to change over the years but he hasn't. This is who he is. Please stop flogging a dead horse and get out, if not for your own sake, for your kids.

My dad was also shouty and would fly off the handle, you never knew what was going to set him off so it was like walking on eggshells. As a child, the unpredictability of it was the worst part, you would never know when he was suddenly going to lose his temper.

My mum finally divorced him when I was a teen, the relief when he finally left was immense. However as an adult it has definitely affected my confidence and my ability to commit to relationships. Get out now while you can still make a positive difference for your kids.