Family christening at the weekend
There's only 3 of us in our family Dm, Dsis and myself. Dsis has now had a lovely baby who we were christening.
There's a huge lot of backstory but basically u am the black sheep (I have come to terms with having and as an adult/my mother doesn't believe in it; I'm aware of past issues that my mother hides from my sister etc) so we're not really a family.
I live with my mother for context whilst I'm between places. Its not ideal but she has a big house with annexe so I can stay out the way.
So we go to a family christening she drives from the family home with her partner, I get a 8 hour train with 10 hours travelling. I stay in my own accommodation and I sort a taxi to the church that has to cancel. I try to find any other way to the chuch but asking for help as I don't want to put any obligation on her. For the record I want a relationship with her. She reluctantly picks me up and drives the 15 minutes. We arrive together and she and her partner disappear so I chat to some other people attending the service then we all catch up at the church I take some photos of my niece and my mum then when everyone says let's go in, I'm the first into the church and make sure to save a pew for "our unit" they choose to sit on their own on the other side of the church so I sit alone for the service.
Afterwards we go to the pub, I walk down to save them having to give another lift and where I try to chat to some people my sister knows whilst my mum and her partner stay firmly in the other room even though they know im here.
To deal with the fact I'm depressed and suffering crippling anxiety I choose to sit and drink. I get tipst and make a spectacle of myself by crying in the toilet and having to be sent home in a taxi (or a friend of a friend of someone at the christening- out in the sticks no real taxis)
Got back to the airbnb and haven't stopped crying since Sunday evening. Neither Dm or Dsis has checked I'm OK.
I need someone to just say the adage.
They're just not that into you.
I fucked up. I knew a family christening was going to be hard work with severe depression without the added tensions but I shouldn't have drunk.