7 WEEKS PREGNANT AND FEELING LIKE IM MADE A HUGE MISTAKE - PLEASE HELP

[1234worried]

I would love to know if anyone has had any similar experiencesbecauseI am feeling so lost and depressed.I have been with my partner for a year... recently engaged.

He is the kindest, loving, patient, emotionallyavailable, stable man I've ever been with, who offers me the worry free life I have alwaysdreamed of (staying at home and looking after babies).

Getting to the 'biological clock screaming at you' age of 35, and desperate for a family and children, Idid a lot of work on myself to understand why i was desperately in love with toxic avoidant andemotionally unavailable men (daddy issues!), and decided to make the sensible choice for my life and love someone for the right reasons, despite their not being the crazy passion and attraction that always left me damaged. I met my partner only a few months after my last crushing heartbreak (unfortunately too soon but you can't let a good one go!) After I settled into the relationship I felt like my wildest dreams had come true and I was truly content for the first time in my life.

We knew we needed to crack on on the baby front, so just over a year later... I am currentlyabout 7 weeks pregnant. I was so excited and happy to be pregnant until about 4 weeks in when he proposed.

Then I startedobsessivelydoubting EVERYTHING. whether i loved him, whether i am attracted to him, whether i will be in a loveless passionless life, whether i even know him that well, have a settled, whether i will end up alone with a baby. My anxiety is through the roof, and I was diagnosed with ROCD - super intrusive thoughts about my relationship. But it feels so real and it's absolutely terrifying. I feel so depressed and feel like I'm making a huge mistake. I hate being around my lovely partner because all my feelings are gone for him and it terrifiesme, i have nothing to say to him because I'm so consumed by FEAR. I keep having dreams about my recent ex, and another one from years ago - steamy in nature! And I look at my wonderful, kind, committedman and just feel repulsed.

I FEEL SO GUILTY.

Has anyone else had similar experiences, how did you get through and did it go away once the baby was born?

I've heard of this happening, I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you! Some things stuck out in your post, Firstly the ROCD, all of your life you've gone for toxic men. You've met someone who is ' kindest, loving, patient, emotionallyavailable, stable man I've ever been with'
You've decided to have a baby with this man, this is the first person you have ever opened up to this way - you're sharing a baby! You've taken a massive step with someone, the first time in your life, It's only natural to feel vulnerable and this is your first time feeling this way, doubts that it's going to go wrong after all the previous heart breaks are understandable. There may be a thought he may regress into one of your exes? All of their bad behavior may have tainted your view of men? He is not them.

It maybe, you can't believe your luck and you could be trying to sabotage things as you think you may not deserve a relationship this good? Pregnancy can cause anxiety, it's very common,
It's only natural to worry about all that can go wrong but think of all the things that can go right.

It's also very normal to be repulsed by your partner (Poor for him though!) Him walking in a room, the sound of his breathing, the sound of him chewing can all make you feel repulsed. It happens and it will pass!! chalk most of it up to hormones, hopefully it will pass and you can have a couple of moments a day where you can remind yourself how great he is! I wish you all the luck in the world. You've done nothing wrong!

I think it's pretty common with early pregnancy hormones to have anxiety going through the roof and to not want your partner to come anywhere near you. Hopefully it's just that and it will settle down but it's definitely worth telling your midwife about high anxiety because they can usually refer you to get mental health help very quickly. It sounds like counselling could really help you. Good luck!

Look, this is going to sound very glib; but the worst case scenario here is that you continue to feel this way/this "real" and you separate ... which means you'll be feee to pursue another relationship (not a toxic one, just one where you have the right feelings) and you will have given your child a kind, patient, loving, committed, responsible father.

That's a lot better than many women have.

And that's the worst case scenario.

(Thid is "real")

Your hormones are all over the place in early pregnancy in a way you will not have experienced before.

Stay calm and it will settle.

It is clearly made worse by your previous problems so it might be wise to see your GP so that she can take action to help you through this.

I hope that things start to feel better for you soon.

Thank you so much for your responses - sincerely I appreciate them all.

@AdmiralCain I think you are right - I do feel very vulnerable and my default is to age let down. Theres a weird familiarity in chaotic relationships and men that you know deep down won't commit. I think im sensing danger and im 'looking for fires' in him. I hope at least, I just want my brain to go back to normal! AND I KNOW - poor guy. My exes have been gorgeous but ugly humans - my partner now isn't the most gorgeous but is the most beautiful human. so im fixating on his looks and he seems so ugly to me all of a sudden. Im so horrible!!!

@SleepingBunnies21 glib actually helps! Worse case really isn't that bad when you look at it like that. And in my despair when ive spoken to him and hes being wonderful and going through my worse case fears he has said 'whatever happens you will always be the mother of my child'. You are right my child will have the best dad. I just want to be able to feel my goddamn feelings again!!!! xx

intrusive thoughts are horrible. Theyre also not generally real. Mindfullness can help with intrusive thoughts. Allowing the emotions to be there without freaking out. Just observing them and noting them, but not spiraling into panic.

Of course there is a possibility that this relationship wont work out, and theres a possibility that it will. This guy has been exactly what you have needed and there is a lot of value in that.

I think that your current anxiety is probably a mixture of all sorts of things, including hormonal fluctuations. Its a big change too, and on the cusp of some pretty big commitments, so its hardly surprising that youre getting anxiety. Try not to take it out on your partner, after all, you chose him and you wanted this and hes just being himself and he is not freaking out despite you telling him some worrying things. He sounds quite stable and patient. Its a shame that you say you dont feel passionate and attraction for him, because they are quite important things in my opinion, but I can understand why you wanted something a bit more settled and chilled.
You dont have to agree to marry him. You could tell him that you are excited about the baby but the marriage thing has unsettled you a bit and you want to give it longer. It would be wrong to agree to marry him unless you are sure he is the one for you, and thats a seperate thing to having a baby

I have suffered with ROCD a few times in my life and it’s only now that I don’t give in to it.. it’s truly awful. It haunts every waking minute so I can completely sympathise. The only way to combat it is to truly understand that it’s your brain misfiring. The main thing is you know what it is.. even if it tries to make you think it’s the truth.. I promise you it’s not!! This will all be escalated because of your pregnancy hormones. Honestly they can make the calmest person erratic.. ive just given birth and throughout my pregnancy I was a different person.
Pm me anytime. I totally get it.

It sounds in large part due to hormonal shifts- the anxiety etc.

Try to chill out and give it time to see if you feel differently as the pregnancy progresses and after the birth.

Your partner is so good to say that in response to what you said tbh - many another persom would have been quite bitter, angry, flounced etc .

Just concentrate on your wonderful little soon to arrive bub.

(I know you're early pregnancy but it flies).

I'm glad there is a post where ROCD has come up as I experience this in my current relationship and still struggle to know if ROCD is a real thing or if we just aren't right for each other.

What reassures me is there are times when I love him immensely and feel very content but then all these doubts rear up and I spiral into anxiety.

Sorry, not to hijack your post but I guess to let you know that you are not alone in these feelings. I do talk to my partner about how I feel and he is understanding which calms me and reminds me why I'm with him.

Must be even harder with pregnancy hormones but try to go with it for the moment and hope that it will pass x

@Ruby0707 not at all! Its so soothing to me to know that there are other people who are going through the same thing. id never even heard of ROCD!!

I hear people say that the intrusive thoughts are there but they know they love their partner... but that freaks me out because I think I know I do but I can't remember how that felt so I find that very difficult. It relies on me trusting myself that I did and the feelings will come back - but I don't trust myself... how can you with the nature of rock being what it is! Its like it totally wipes your brain and replaces it with a strangers!!

I hope you are ok. I feel for you, its bloody awful!

x

I think 'love' is something that fluctuates. I love my partner but i dont always love him. Deoression, life events etc sometimes make positive feelings for anybody hard to find sometimes. Antenatal depression and anxiety is not talked about as much as PND yet its just as prevalent.
This is not the time to be making any big decisions. This isnt an emergency

I also have a history of bad relationships, particularly the last one where I was betrayed and I think maybe that has some impact. I know we've probably all had bad experiences but you mentioned that in your post so I wonder if it is something about being vulnerable again that triggers it.

Do you usually suffer from anxiety?

Sometimes you can be addicted to certain emotions - excitement, danger, anticipation. I used to be just like you - @the holisticpsychologist on instagram helped me enormously!

FYI - I settled with the emotionally stable, mature, kind man and my life gets better and better every single day!

His response to your worries is a really good one and shows he truly cares.

Real, unabusive relations are up and down, so I hope you can accept as time goes on there may be periods you feel more 'in love' than others, but the low times don't mean everything has gone to shit and you've made a terrible mistake, it's just how real relationships are as @Branleuse says.

I think this is the intrusive thoughts speaking - and naughty dreams don't actually mean you want to do sexy things with the people in them, you're not betraying your partner by having them or being sent any message you shouldn't be with him.

I'm really glad you have found someone who sounds like a really good partner material and a great dad for your child - just keep fighting those doubt gremlins, and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

@Ruby0707 I have suffered with varying degrees of anxiety for years, I had social anxiety quite badly many moons ago. I'd have to say in terms of all consuming intensity, this is the worst though.

@Ivywild Oooo I will have a look. Thank you. Did you ever struggle comparing your feelings? For example rather than the euphoric honeymoon 'set your soul o f fire' phase... the slow burn and is still valid 'love'? Did it take you a while to adjust and did it bring up anxiety and longing for those addiction feelings for you?

@Echobelly thank you so much. re the periods of more in love... I think that is absolutely true of healthy relationships... the trouble is when you have only had unhealthy one and been longing for and working hard to obtain commitment from someone elusive - you feel that ever present painful feeling and translate that to being in love. In this relationship when im highly anxious those hightened emotions aren't there to draw on to reassure me... bc as you say they aren't supposed to be. But that is hugely triggering. xxx

im so touched by everyones responses - I appreciate them hugely xx

I struggled for the first year as like you my healthy relationship began quite quickly after the demise of my passionate , rollercoaster but highly unhealthy relationship.

I got over my ex when I realised that my relationship with him was a carbon copy of my parents marriage. They are trauma bonded and have been unhappily married for over 30 years. They chase the (increasingly) fleeting highs but 90% of the time they have a terrible relationship (Can’t be together- always arguing but can’t not be together). For us children it was horrible and I almost repeated the cycle. These patterns have a habit of repeating but you can break the cycle.

After a year with my now husband I learned what real love looks like. I did go through a phase in the first year where I felt we had no passion and wondered if I was destined to be in a passionless but loving relationship.

I’m happy to say we soon got our spark back. It wasn’t quite as euphoric as in my unhealthy relationships but it was real and lasting and it grows stronger over time instead of burning out. He’s my best friend and I love him so much, he’s my biggest supporter and cheerleader, he makes me laugh, he makes me breakfast in bed, he’s the best dad I could possibly have chosen for our child. He enhances my life in every single way and I absolutely adore him - but it did take me a while initially to learn to appreciate him.

Please continue your therapy and give the nice guy a chance. I do think your pregnancy has happened quite quickly in your relationship and maybe it’s sparked a lot of fears and feelings of vulnerability. A therapist will really help you process such a huge milestone.

Wishing you all the best and lots of happiness. X

Thanks @Ivywild - YES to repeating. I think I subconsciously attract my 'dad'... immature, narcissistic and after euphoric highs they withdraw and become unavailable and ultimately rejecting. Incidentally.... I have the same pattern as my mum! I think for people like us being 'in love' means something totally different to 'normal' people... something akin to heroin!

You are right it has been quick, but I have felt so much biological clock pressure as my mum went into early menopause at 40, and I want more than one child... if I can cope! lol

I know I want to do it, I just need to hang in there and find that contented place I was at before the engagement ignighted my flight response! Like you I have found someone as giving in a relationship as I am, if not more! And as someone with co-dependant tendencies... that's saying something! lol I'm so so pleased you broke the cycle and got your happy ever after with a wonderful human. I don't know you, but from how kind you have been to me... I can see you deserve it! xx

Sounds like you need treatment. If you ring your local IAPT and self refer they’ll see you immediately due to being pregnant, they’re funded to expedite pregnant and 1yr postnatal women so no waiting list. CBT is very effective for ROCD.