How do you achieve being genuinely happy alone?

[HapyHahap]

I’ve got everything I want and need except a loving relationship. I’ve got a career and friends and money and have travelled. I have flexible working so can manage my own life to some extent. Nice home. Hobbies.

I have tried to be genuinely ok with no relationship but I’m not. I love relationships, I love sharing my life. It is a huge source of sadness that I don’t have that. Dating is causing me more exhaustion with it and I often feel low that I don’t come across people I want to get to know.

I wish so much that I could not care. And be ok without a relationship. Anyone managed it and if so how?

I was single for 10 years and I genuinely loved it. I also have a good career, hobbies and friends.

The lonely bit is difficult, sometimes I think you have to accept that you will get lonely, the same as if you're in a relationship you have to accept that your partners actions will sometimes clash with you and they will piss you off. It's highly unlikely you'll ever be completely happy 100% if the time.

I also had different friends to share my life with. Friends who I'd go away with, my hobby friends and my close friends. Plus fwb helped too

Be really, really good to yourself. Treat yourself with the highest respect. Recognise that being in a relationship is a) an addition to a happy life, rather than the making of it and b) not a perfect life.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, but if the quest is making you feel generally unhappy, something is missing that you need to provide for yourself.

What is it that you hope to gain from being in a relationship? What are the advantages? What is it you feel you're missing?

Also, if your current style of dating isn't suiting you, choose a different way to find someone.

I’m you, OP.

I agree, its normal to feel lonely. Especially around time of year and ocassions people often share with partners. I give myself the best around these times, such as planning stuff for myself I enjoy, prepare myself lovely food and as my niece calls it ‘live my life as the main character of my story’.

I remind myself frequently in that my life is great, I am honestly so lucky and another person taking physical, emotional and mental space needs to be absolutely has to be an amazing human to top that. Anything else is crap.

In my less than dignified moment alone, I also remind myself of the people around me who compromise, settle or put up with some absolute shit being together and am glad its not me.

Also, highly recommend a pet. I am the centre of my dog’s universe. 🤣

I also recommend reminding yourself of the value of non-romantic relationships and nurturing them. They can be so fufilling and loving too.

I think the key thing is to accept that, just as not everyone in a relationship is permanently delirious with happiness, it’s ok to sometimes feel sad, angry, uncomfortable, regretful, lonely etc when single. I think that it’s deeply unrealistic to imagine that you’re supposed to be 100% happy all the time, and it puts far too much pressure on you. (Especially if you feel you ‘have to’ be happy alone in order to find a good relationship — which I know is a common belief, and obviously makes a certain kind of sense. A relationship won’t work if you’re so desperate not to be single you’ll put up with any old thing. But I think that doesn’t imply you need to live some kind of technicolour happiness life when single to be basically at ease with yourself.)

What do you mean ‘you don’t come across men you’d like to get to know’?
Do you mean you don’t meet men that you’d want to have a relationship with?

I have a friend. Back when we were in our dating phase in our 30s - I’d have described her the way you described yourself. She was professionally successful, great friends, fun hobbies, lots of travel. By all accounts her life was busy and exciting. She wanted to meet a guy who would have an equally great life to match her and would sweep her of her feet.
She met many men. Some would be as it more successful. Other would have more adventurous hobbies. Yet others made their life by more extreme travel or had some other great achievements.
None had a whole package. And none had a whole package AND wanted to share a life with her.

She still has a great life, even if it’s not always easy as she does have to rely just on herself. She had a child by herself, and I think it gave her a lot of the unconditional connection to another human being that she was seeking without having to compromise on anything in her life that she wasn’t prepared to do.

I don’t know anything about your life Op. but something in the way you phrased me reminded me of my friend.

Hobbies help a lot

Bizarrely, once I stopped caring about finding the perfect person he turned up!

I was single for quite a few years in my 30s and really wanted to meet someone. I dated A LOT of people. One day I had a mental shift and decided that I would rather be single and happy than married and miserable. I stopped actively seeking dates and just decided to enjoy myself. I knew the right one would turn up eventually I just didn't know when. I went on dates if the opportunity came up but just laughed about the rubbish ones with my friends. My catchphrase became "NEXT!".

I ended up going out with DH (someone I had previously worked with). I didn't actually think he was 'my type' to start with. Within a short time, I realised that he was 'the one'. He was very very different to all my previous boyfriends and we are very similar in our outlook. I realised that I had been going out with people who were completely wrong for me all along. Fast forward many years we are still together and very happy.

You do need to relax and see who pops up. Keep an open mind. You might surprise yourself.

I was single for 7 years after I realised that I really needed to be happy with me and figure out who I was after a string of bad relationship choices.

After about 4 years I realised that I really was happy with my life and that anyone who came into it had to make it even better than it already was.

It took some time, but I am so glad I did it; I'm now in a wonderful relationship, and if I hadn't taken that time for me I think I would have just continued with those bad choices ad infinitum.

I am finally so happily single that I can't imagine ever dating again. Sadly I've reached this point after dating 1 disaster after another and realised that men really are more hassle than they are worth. I love that my life is drama and stress free (well not entirely, I do have kids) but I found dating just took over way too much of my headspace, at the detriment of other things.

I'm unhappily married. If I ever get out of this marriage then I don't think I would ever want to be with anyone else again. During lockdown I have become a bit of an introvert, had my confidence massively knocked and learnt a very heavy lesson about men. I don't want to risk being hurt, have the head fuckery of dating and all the worries and complications that comes with that, have to divide my time between DC/friends/family AND a bloke. There would be no time for a bloke. I would go on holiday with DC and separately with friends, I couldn't afford a third holiday with a bloke in terms of money or time off work

@anotherdisaster men really are more hassle than they are worth. I love that my life is drama and stress free but I found dating just took over way too much of my headspace, at the detriment of other things TOTALLY THIS

I am sure it will happen , effortlessly. The two most important partners l had in my life came along out of the blue. I wasn't looking, l didn't force anything it just happened. Try an d enjoy life the best you can with where you are now and have faith that just because your on your own now doesn't mean it's a permanent state of affairs. Love your freedom, the fact you don't have to compromise, learn everything you can about yourself, it's a beautiful time, some women never get to experience. My friend was married very young, an arranged mar riage, she is happy enough but says she never had any time just for herself and wonders if she ever will.

I promise I am not saying this is jest, but get a cat or a dog if you don’t have one. Their love is very pure. Of course it doesn’t replace a relationship, but you will be happier and calmer and perhaps that take sthe edge off loneliness

I just am happy on my own OP, I always knew I couldn't be bothered with a relationship so worked really hard to build a lovely life. I go out a lot with different friends, enjoy travel and gigs/theatre and did used to have a lot of casual flings who sorted my need for sex but don't even bother with that now.I

I've always saw relationships as a bit of a hassle and just didn't fancy it (not for everyone of course, just for me) so just built the life I wanted but from the ground up.

So not a good life with a man shaped gap iyswim but a good life that suits me as it is. I have some very good friends that I message daily for a chat and endless support if I want it. That's enough for me. I don't need someone to do life's mundane stuff with and if I really wanted to I could ask a pal. Not sure if any of that is vaguely helpful but for me , the only downside to bring single and childfree by choice in my 40's is other folks reaction. Living it is a joy.

I can relate to your post @snugglebum20

Tbh I think some people are wired that way or they are not. I'd love to find a happy, loving relationship. But I'm totally fine with being single.

Most of the time I don't really even think about being in a relationship. Unless i watch a sappy show that makes me think 'ah, that would be nice'. So then I go on a few dates...and remeber how much dating sucks and just lose interest again.

I think, cliche I know, that being happy in yourself helps a lot. I see men as something that could add to happiness (if you're very lucky and find a compatable, nice one) but not something I need for it.

Its not like most of them bring any romance for a start. I'd rather get my fix of that from just watching a cheesy korean drama :)

As for company, if I need that I'll see a friend or get a pet.

Like I said though, not everyone is hard wired like that. Maybe they always had people around whilst growing up so they don't know how to be on their own.

I'm single and have been for about 4 years. I'm a happy solo mother by choice and always knew that I'd like to be a parent - so for me relationships were secondary. I've tried a number of them over the years but every single time they brought more misery than joy. But having a child to look after/watch them develop and nurture has brought me a lot of joy and happiness. More so than any romantic relationship has so far. So a home, a job, child, friends and family make me happy. I'm open to meeting someone but I'm not prepared to go back on the dating apps again to find someone. If it were to happen, it'd have to be something along the lines of 'together living apart' arrangement. I like my life and my home/finances as it is.

I'm not sure I'd be entirely happy if I didn't have the child though now knowing what I know.